There’s messy, then there’s Sonja Morgan’s townhouse messy. There’s also Luann de Lesseps’ quickie-marriage-and-divorce messy. And even worse, there’s Dorinda Medley after 3
hundred and four martinis messy. As luck would have it, this week on The Real Housewives Of New York, we get to visit all three crumbling kingdoms in one 53-minute episode! And it’s pretty much as cuckoo as one would expect. But here’s the clincher: We come full circle to a tender moment at the end, which peels back another layer of this group’s continually evolving dynamic.
Tinsley Mortimer is back from being stalked/surprised by Scott whisking her off to Chicago, so she wants to spill all of the giddy details to Carole Radziwill over breakfast. Carole isn’t in a good place with Adam, though. He’s apparently met someone else – someone who will actually admit dating him? Because Carole sure as hell wasn’t up for that sh*t. But she’s not up for him dating anyone else either. Essentially, Carole claims Adam didn’t want to break up, so she just accidentally “slipped back into a relationship” with him. But now? It’s OVAH! So it sounds like there will be no more slipping back into anything, anywhere, anytime from now on.
Over at Morgan Manor, Sonja is showing Kristi the real estate broker just what happens when one person lives in a townhouse for too long surrounded by countless interns and bottles of Wesson Oil. Kristi’s official task: To help Sonja prepare the townhouse for leasing. Kristi’s unofficial task: To manage a polite smile while Sonja defends objects like the ones below as tasteful decor. Altogether now! Poooooor Kristi.
Sonja is shocked to hear that not everyone will enjoy her home’s “tone” – especially someone who can afford $32k/month. THIRTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS?! Jayzus. Sonja might be a nutjob, but she’s no idiot for looking to rent this money pit out – even if the ice is brown, the walls are crumbling, and yesterday’s thong is still floating in the bidet.
Bethenny Frankel is in Miami aggressively slicing boxes open when Dorinda pops by to help out. They’re on the first leg of their mission to Puerto Rico, and Dorinda couldn’t be more excited. In fact, since Bethenny decided to take Dorinda along on this disaster relief mission, they’ve been bonding more than ever.
Dorinda listens as Bethenny tells her about the horrific conditions in PR, and how B-Strong has organized efforts to help. The planes and infrastructure are all donated, so Bethenny can use all donation money for cash cards that go straight to people on the ground. She also organized all of her efforts without any red tape – no government or private organizations gave her permission or stood in her way. Say what you will about Bethenny, but that’s incredible. Dorinda is impressed.
Someone who conspicuously didn’t get invited to Puerto Rico as Bethenny’s Plus One is Carole, who instead got the boobie prize: Ramona Singer and Tinsley meeting her at the nail salon. After Ramona complains about how batsh*t Sonja is (which is like my cat complaining that my other cat is lazy), she dives right into her passive aggressive digs about Bethenny choosing Dorinda over Carole.
Practically squealing with delight, Ramona chirps, “Oh, you didn’t KNOW? I’m surprised she didn’t ASK YOU. You’d think she would have invited YOU!” Carole says it’s all good, even though you know, she did lots of that kind of work at ABC…just in case we all forgot since the last time she told us
five minutes prior to this moment.
Somewhere very far away from Ramona’s manicure, Bethenny and Dorinda are visiting the B-Strong warehouse. Michael, Bethenny’s charity partner, updates her on the 10 million pounds of supplies they’ll be delivering. Besides cash cards, they’re taking sleeping bags, generators, water – you name it. Dorinda had no idea how much of a gargantuan effort this has been, and she’s grateful to be part of it. Now, Dorinda says, “It seems real to me.”
Meanwhile, Luann is meeting her daughter Victoria out for lunch in the city. She’s getting a chance to reconnect with her kids now that the Tom nightmare is in her rearview mirror. But it’s not all roses. And it never was, Luann admits. Tom never really let her into his life completely. She didn’t even feel at home in the PENTHOUSE, people! Oh, the humanity! “In retrospect, why did I have to get married?” asks Luann, practically making Victoria roll her eyes alllll the way back in her head. Apparently, Tom has a new girlfriend – which Luann says she’s fine with. Sure, Jan. Sure.
Victoria says she thinks her mom shouldn’t regret anything, but in the end, is glad they split up. She apparently told Tom straight up that he was a superficial person and an awkward hugger, which pretty much makes Victoria the hero of last year’s entire RHONY season. Why could we not see that on camera? Damn you, Bravo!
Oh no. Gird your loins. It’s about to go down. The dinner with Bethenny’s charity partners and Dorinda is barely underway, and Gangsta Do is already half in the bag before she even sits/slumps down at the table. After slurring hellos to Bobby, Michael, Eve, and Omar, Dorinda starts blabbing about G-5s and luggage and – oh who the eff knows? Let’s put it this way: There is closed captioning under every phrase she utters, and it is absolutely necessary.
Except Bethenny’s friends don’t have the luxury of reading Dorinda’s drunken ramblings printed handily on their TV screens, so they must suffer through every cringeworthy second. You guys, I I actually can’t even look! OMG. SERIOUSLY I CAN’T. (Hold me.)
Bethenny admits that she and Dorinda had a few drinks before dinner, but she suspects Do was pre-gaming before that. Because homegirl is wasted. When Dorinda tries to bizarrely argue with Bethenny’s partners, Bethenny looks like she wishes she spent that last 3 million on a black market Harry Potter cloak of invisibility rather than another Manhattan condo. She is living a nightmare, and super-drunk Dorinda is none the wiser.
When Dorinda starts arguing about how the people in Haiti are still suffering and she used to give money with Richard but it never helped – blah blah blah – Bethenny’s finally had enough. “Maybe you shouldn’t come tomorrow if you feel that way,” she says. Since Dorinda’s mind has officially left the building (and let’s be honest, it never really entered), she immediately storms out in a huff, slur-yelling how Bethenny ruins everything. “I was excited! I was so happy! You did this!” Um, Dorinda, you forgot one last parting statement: I was mortifying. At least she got one thing right. This was a sh*tshow.
In a moment that is truly refreshing, Bethenny tells her tablemates that Dorinda is a good person who has some personal pain, was obviously affected by alcohol, and is probably going to beat herself up for acting like this tonight. She assures Omar (who will be actually traveling with them) that it will all be okay, that Dorinda will move on and be positive. And she assures everyone else that the work they’re doing is important and necessary. Ultimately, Bethenny already has compassion for the Dorinda of tomorrow, who she knows will wake up filled with regret but ready to go.
Back in NY, Sonja is hitting on her real estate photographer (natch) and making excuses for her house being a filthy rotten mess (natch). Travis the photographer barely has time to change the lens on his camera to “Blur Dog Feces” before Sonja practically humps his leg. Too bad he’s married. Sigh. All the good 27-year olds are taken! And gay. Well – at least Travis is. Sonja is actually thrilled to hear this news because now she can force him to make out with her at her weekly gay party. You know, the one she’s been throwing for YEARS that no one on the planet has ever heard about?
In Miami, Bethenny and Omar are hauling cash cards to the plane. As predicted, Dorinda is up and ready, and she’s not dwelling on the horror show of the night before. Bethenny waits until they board the plane to address the situation. She doesn’t want to come down on Dorinda too harshly but finally works up the nerve to say, “You go to a 16 out of 10. And the way you sometimes treat me is worse than Ramona. I just sometimes cut you slack because you’re a drunk.” OUCH.
Dorinda’s eyes look pained, but she doesn’t get deep right away. Instead, she makes excuses about being up too long, maybe drinking a wee bit too much, being stressed out. Yeah, but there’s more going on here. Dorinda doesn’t think she’s an alcoholic, resenting Bethenny’s attempt to label her (even though the word hasn’t been uttered yet). But Bethenny says she’s scared of the person Dorinda becomes when she drinks that much. It’s a whole ‘nother level of insanity. And not the fun kind.
Does she miss Richard? Yes, Dorinda admits, every day. Tearing up, Dorinda says seeing Dennis (Bethenny’s boyfriend) triggered something in her. And Sonja blathering on about her divorce obviously triggered her too. “I have a life now that’s not the life I expected,” she cries. She knows she’s moving backward, and she is starting to let it sink in that John isn’t fulfilling her relationship goals. Bethenny reminds Dorinda that no one can tell her who the right match for her is, but there’s probably some truth to all of this unhappiness stemming from unhappiness with John.
“The person I was 6-7 months after Richard died – when I started dating John – isn’t the person I am today,” says Dorinda. “Maybe I need to go to therapy.” And maybe she just needs a hug, which Bethenny gives her. Wow. What an emotional rollercoaster of an episode. Are you guys all in a safe space? Everyone okay? Damn, RHONY – I’m not crying. You’re crying! I don’t care what anyone says, these women continue to surprise me, flaws and all. I’m rooting for them.
TELL US: THOUGHTS ON THE BETHENNY/DORINDA CONVERSATION? WILL SONJA EVER MOVE OUT OF THAT TOWNHOUSE? IS LUANN REALLY OKAY WITH TOM GETTING A NEW GIRLFRIEND?
Photo Credit: Bravo