Luann de Lesseps is fresh out of rehab, so of course, it’s time to whisk her away for a wine-fueled weekend and cruel reminders of her failed marriage. Naturally! The Real Housewives of New York head to the Mayflower Spa in CT, where Luann learns that Ramona Singer tried to score an invite to Tom D’Agostino’s New Year’s Eve party – yup, the very one Luann had heard about in dreaded NOT-WEST-PALM-BEACH! Dorinda Medley continues to peck at Sonja Morgan about her penchant for hanging on to the past, while Bethenny Frankel comes to Sonja’s rescue. Even weakened allies are still allies, I guess?
Before they leave, Luann greets Dorinda at her new apartment – you know, the one she barely moved into before getting cuffed and booked? The PENTHOUSE, dahling! Now, she’s baking cookies and brewing coffee in an effort to keep the rehab/yoga/therapy pink cloud going. Dorinda is glad Lu’s doing so well and hopes a trip to the spa will help her stay in a safe cocoon. Um, except that cocoon contains a Ramona, so…maybe not so safe. Luann’s already heard that Ramona was trying to score an invitation to Tom’s NYE party, which is mind-blowing considering what went down last year.
Sonja (who’s been upgraded from the Jitney and roadside pickups!)and Bethenny travel to CT together, with Ramona, Tinsley Mortimer, and Carole Radziwill in another car. Everyone is weirded out by facing Luann for the first time since her arrest, but Carole quips that “the real crime was that dress” Lu wore in the courthouse. OUCH.
Meanwhile, Luann attempts to explain the order of events that transpired before sitting in a police cruiser, slipping out of handcuffs, and threatening to “KILL YOU ALL!” Let’s put it this way: It was a series of unfortunate events involving alcohol, wrong rooms with polo players, and hotel security. Luann would like us to know that she never actually kicked a cop, though. She just closed a door on one! Dorinda’s advice next time is to just apologize and start crying. So, basically turn into a Ramona/Tinsley hybrid monster? Got it.
“They threw me a bologna sandwich!” gasps the Countess, recounting her night in jail without a blanket or glass of tap water. This is what bottom looks like: Biting into a mustard packet wedged inside of bologna slices as one sits in a sundress in a 6×6 cell. Dorinda can’t help but laugh at the story – and I have to give mad props to Luann for getting a chuckle out of it too. But OMG, why can’t we have CAMERA FOOTAGE OF THAT SH*T? #TVgold
Lu and Dorinda arrive at the house first, which is gorgeous but filled with champagne and wine bottles galore. “I’m fine!” quips Luann, who knows alcohol will be everywhere. She feels strong in her commitment to staying sober.
Bethenny and Sonja arrive next, and somehow Sonja still has enough energy to cheerfully greet everyone after Bethenny complained to her about Carole/Dorinda/Ramona/et all the entire ride there. Bethenny walks in with gift bags for all, sponsored of course by Skinnygirl.
It’s Sonja who will actually provide the most comfort to Luann because she’s not drinking either. #Solidarity (No word on Sonja’s meds situation though, which has been suspect ever since the Costa Rica “detox.”) But seriously, the hug Luann and Sonja share is a super sweet moment. And it shows Sonja’s (rare) ability to extend warmth without judgment. More of this, please, Lady Morgan!
While Bethenny marches upstairs to her room, Dorinda wonders what the B-weather is today and if she should throw on a bathing suit or carry an umbrella. She never knows WTF Bethenny will bring to their relationship. One day it’s bonding, the next day it’s “You’re a drunk!” Meanwhile, Luann tells Sonja and Dorinda about Ramona trying to slink in to Tom’s party. Do thinks it’s hideous, but Sonja just shrugs. “That’s Ramona. She’d attend the opening of an envelope.” Luann agrees that Ramona has major FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out. And she’ll throw all these b*tches under the bus in order to see and be seen.
When Ramona, Tinsley, and Carole arrive, things tense up. Luann coldly listens as Ramona talks around the Palm Beach issue. At least Tinsley understands what it’s like to spend the night in a Palm Beach cell, while Carole – and the rest of the viewing public – just wants to know how she got out of those effing handcuffs?!? Lu doesn’t even know. It’s a Housewives Christmas Miracle! (Hallmark movie forthcoming, 2019).
While Tinsley whines to Carole about her mugshot “making its way back to the top of Google,” Ramona tries to suck up to Luann in her room. But Luann’s not having it. And at dinner later – after much blow job table talk (!?!) – she decides to confront her directly: Why did Ramona try to attend Tom’s party?
Not missing a beat, Ramona just shrugs her shoulders and blows the issue off. She’s all, Well my friend wanted to go and it was a party, so whatevs! Luann is dumbfounded by Ramona’s crass response, considering her fake gushing earlier. Bethenny can’t believe Sonja got invited, first of all, and even worse, that Ramona was trying to CRASH that bastard’s shindig! But Ramona just defends that it was all her friend’s fault. Plus, she’s still bitter about 1) not being invited to Luann’s wedding, and 2) Luann dating her alleged “ex.” Okay, loonytune. Keep singing that sad song.
“What a traitor!” thinks Luann. “Ramona makes Benedict Arnold look like Betsey Ross.” Even Sonja wishes Ramona would trot out one of her fake apologies, given the fact that she is DEAD wrong in this situation. But no such luck tonight.
Back in the house, Bethenny sums up the problem that is Ramona. “She’s just a terrible human being,” she tells Sonja. She thinks if she did something like that, the group would murder her. Until then, she and Sonja will just have to slap on their Skinnygirl masks and pass out without the knowledge that neither one of them can get out of their own way – ironically, just like Ramona.
The next morning, Luann reflects on Ramona’s betrayal. Even though she says she feels bad for her, Lu’s still pretty pissed. As the group gathers in Dorinda’s room (or is it Lu’s?), Sonja becomes the immediate target. Dorinda calls her out for wearing slippers and a ring with the “Morgan family crest” which is apparently a deer. Besides the fact that a family crest is L-O-L, let’s keep it real: OF COURSE SONJA DOES THIS. We are talking about the woman who kept a wall-sized portrait of her ex-husband on the wall until just recently, and who stockpiles Wesson Oil in the basement like a zombie apocalypse cometh.
But Dorinda thinks this is over the top. Bethenny defends Sonja, telling Dorinda it’s just like her keeping the “Medley” last name. “So she has a deer on her slippers. You have the f**king monogram on your luggage!” But Dorinda, once again, is offended by the comparison of widow versus divorcee. It’s like scene three, episode one all over again. And Sonja doesn’t have enough caffeine in her to even attempt defending herself. She just blinks like the deer on her multiple crests, not understanding where Dorinda’s continued wrath is coming from.
Thirty minutes later, Luann’s publicist calls to send up the reality TV bat signal: Everyone knows she’s out of rehab because Ramona posted a photo on social media of them at dinner the night before captioned, “The gang’s all here!” Lu doesn’t appreciate Ramona putting her release from rehab on blast, considering the photo highlights a dinner table filled with alcohol. This is the kind of press she clearly doesn’t need. #ThanksRamona
Bethenny thinks this is just another selfish Ramona move, but Ramona doesn’t see it that way. She just thought they looked beautiful! Correction: She probably thought she looked especially good. Therefore, Instagram At Large needed to know. But Luann’s parole officer certainly does not.
TELL US: IS RAMONA MAKING INNOCENT MISTAKES OR CALCULATED MOVES? WILL LUANN IN DANGER AMONG THIS GROUP? IS SONJA AND BETHENNY’S BOND REAL OR CONVENIENT? WHY CAN’T DORINDA LET GO OF HER BEEF WITH SONJA?
Photo Credit: Bravo