Bethenny Frankel called last night’s episode “The Crying Game” before it aired, which left me to wonder how this trip would differ from any other? I mean, tears, drinks, and stabbing oneself in the hand are just par for the course when The Real Housewives of New York hit the shores of any foreign country, right? As it turns out, this Colombia trip did involve a lot of crying, but it also involved ONE AMAZING WIG courtesy of Luann de Lesseps. So all was not lost!
The South American destination of Cartegena didn’t know what was coming
until it saw the Ramonacoaster rolling up in a friggin wheelchair, but the ladies didn’t waste any time making their presence known. After packing montages, the group somehow makes it past airport security to officially leave the country. This is, we assume, an auspicious start.
Even with Ramona Singer’s injured ankle (which she twisted during a Marrakesh-related
drunken event), everyone manages to pile into cars in Cartegena. Everyone also manages to loathe Ramona’s whiny, demanding arse as she gets WHEELED out from the airport and barks at the poor dude steering her all the way to the car. So far, Ramona is winning at being most obnoxious on this trip, and she hasn’t even done her classic Room Grab yet. Luann puts it plainly: “She’s such a pain in the ass.”
In one car, Bethenny tells Luann and Sonja Morgan that Red Scarf Guy (Brian) from speed dating won’t get off her jock. He’s been texting her nonstop, but Beth wants nothing to do with him since she found out that he slipped out for drinks with Ramona and the matchmaker, Rori Sassoon, after speed dating. He and his Skinnygirl Red Scarf are not welcome near her anymore.
The house Tinsley Mortimer arranged is gorgeous, and the women are suitably impressed with their house manager and welcome drinks – although they’re likely picturing the house manager running away in horror once Ramona starts making her many, many demands.
To avoid the toddler-like tantrums that ensue when picking rooms ANYWHERE, ANYTIME these chicks travel, Tinsley passes out Tiffany boxes with names. Rooms will be determined, much like everything else in Tinsley’s life, by blind luxury and chance. There’s a necklace in each box with one of their initials, and each woman will place their box in a room. The name gets the room, period. Except whoops! Ramona and Sonja are along, so they’ll be bartering and scaling walls and rubbing their scents all over whichever quarters suit them best. Oh, maybe not! Looks like the feral cats are standing down. The Tiffany gifts seemed to have tamed them, no?
Well, at least Ramona gets to boss around the kitchen staff for a bit, then force Miguel, her appointed manservant, to unpack all of her sh*t. THIS WOMAN IS A MONSTER. (But I still love her…sort of. A smidge.) Everyone else explores, then meets for a bite to eat before heading out to the pool. It’s here that Bethenny’s #WorstVacationEver begins as she takes a bite of soup, only to realize it’s fish soup. She’s allergic to fish, immediately reacting to the “poison” and fleeing the table to puke and find a Benadryl.
After Bethenny writhes around on her bathroom floor upstairs, she somehow rallies and heads back down for dinner. The ladies are heading out on the town because – hey – who doesn’t like seeing grown women fight in public? They can’t be expected to keep their crazy indoors all week. Tinsley giggles about Scott “delivering a glam team” to her for vaycay, while Ramona receives a different kind of delivery: A wheelchair. But before she can climb into her geriatric chariot, she has to escape the elevator. Alas, the buttons are beyond her current brain functioning.
Then, in the most horrifying moment to date on this franchise, Ramona stares from an elevator while trapped in glass RIGHT BEHIND CAROLE’S HEAD. Photo evidence of Scream XXI below:
But we must quickly get over our horror because no sooner does Ramona escape the elevator, then Luann comes waltzing out in a full Sofia Vergara getup – wig and all. She’s shaking her thang and doing it sober, for which Bethenny praises her. Sadly, this week’s headlines of Luann relapsing and heading back to rehab put a damper on her efforts to have booze-free fun. 🙁 But in this moment, Lu is loving life, so good for her!
After everyone gets over their shock (and Ramona is loaded into her wheelchair), they head out to dinner. And let’s just pause to celebrate this motley crew wheeling Ramona down the cobblestone street as Luann straightens her wig in back while explaining the finer points of her court sentencing to Bethenny. These women are SO wrong, it’s right.
Once Ramona is hefted up several curbs, they sit down to dine – and to fight over Slade Smiley 2.0, otherwise known as Brian of the crimson color scarf. Apparently, Carole went out on a date with him after speed dating, which shocks Bethenny. She doesn’t want Brian but is surprised to learn that Carole went out with him – knowing he’s after Bethenny too – and hasn’t mentioned it. Bethenny says Brian is a nice guy but warns Carole that he’s a player.
“He’s running game,” Bethenny tells Carole. “This guy is RUNNING GAME.” But Carole seems oddly smitten with Brian and doesn’t want to hear it. She doesn’t think it’s that deep, which royally pisses Bethenny off, who thinks it’s highly unusual for a dude to be circling a group trying to date any one of them who’ll take the bait. Carole doesn’t see it this way, continuing to defend Tom 2.o’s honor – especially when Sonja and Luann jump in to echo how smarmy he seems.
For her part, Lu is just bummed out that the group already lost its mojo. She was promised naked skinny dipping! And make out sessions with Sonja by the pool! Now it’s just going to be one long cat fight over some speed-dating weirdo that nobody really gives two sh*ts about. Sigh.
After dinner, Bethenny peaces out with Sonja and Luann before she’s forced to do battle in the streets of Cartegena with women wearing green feathers. “Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!!!” Bethenny screams on the street while Sonja and Luann just laugh at her, then convince her to head out after all. They find Ramona easily by tracking the trashed wheelchair tossed out on the curb for someone to steal. Oh, Ramona. #MoneyCantBuyYouClass
Okay – the band is back together! But the tune is even more sour than earlier, especially when Tinsley asks Bethenny if she’s having a bad time (per Dorinda’s gossip). Bethenny immediately lashes out at Dorinda for “over-sharing” that Beth is having a crappy time in Colombia, but Dorinda rightly calls bullsh*t on her. It’s not an important issue, and it’s not a personal slight – Bethenny has been miserable so far, period. She puked earlier, fought with Carole at dinner, and is being forced to walk around in public with wheelchair lady. WHO WOULDN’T BE WORN OUT? The fact that she takes issue with Dorinda mentioning it to everyone else is a misguided attempt at laying blame elsewhere though. And even she probably knows it.
Eventually, Carole’s squad leaves Bethenny crying at the table, with only Sonja to comfort her. Bethenny admits that her sadness is really about Carole and about feeling ganged up on, which Sonja can relate to. What Sonja can’t relate to is why Bethenny doesn’t just brush it off and start drinking her face off like a normal real housewife.
The next day, Bethenny apologizes to Tinsley for complaining about the trip. She admits she’s unhappy about much deeper issues (her custody case, her beef with Carole) and doesn’t want to take it out on Tinsley, who planned and is hosting a lovely getaway. Tinsley graciously accepts her tearful apology.
At breakfast, Luann reminisces on her many dating mistakes of yesteryear (hello, Rey!) while Tinsley is delivered a funeral bouquet of 365 roses that spell out her initials plus Scott’s. It. Is. Something. Else. Luann correctly notes that all the gift is missing is “a stand and a dead body.” To top it off, Carole gives Tinsley the jewelry Scott ferreted away in her suitcase. It’s a one year anniversary fit for a princess! And it sends Bethenny straight into a fit of her own.
Leaving the table in a huff, Bethenny admits she’s straight up jealous. She wants to come back in her next life as Tinsley – money already earned (by the parents, not her), men showering her with gifts just for existing. Instead, she’s in a nasty custody battle with her ex, which she tells Dorinda about later on. She can’t talk about it, but (in true Bethenny form) wants everyone to read her mind and back off.
Dorinda just sighs in exasperation, especially when Bethenny starts going off on her again about “betrayal.” Sure, she called Dorinda a drunk (!!!), but Bethenny thinks saying horrible things to a person’s face
on national TV and in front of their children is better than saying it behind their backs.
“If I say something to you, don’t f**king say it to anybody else,” demands Bethenny. In order to keep the peace, Dorinda just grabs Bethenny’s hands and says, “I got you, I hear you.” Since Dorinda epically unravels from time to time, she definitely senses an impending meltdown when she smells one. And indeed within minutes, Bethenny is fully melted. Sobbing inside the house, Bethenny tells Dorinda she feels a panic attack coming on. She doesn’t think she can face the group today and, given the state of her emotional health right now, maybe she shouldn’t.
(Damn you, Red Scarf Guy! We just wanted to make it nice!!!)
To be continued…
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for an interview with Rori Sassoon, the matchmaker who hosted last week’s RHONY speed dating event. She has a LOT to say about Brian! (Episode 46) Available on Acast, Stitcher, & iTunes. Visit pinkshadewitherinmartin.com for all links.
TELL US: IS THIS BETHENNY’S BREAKING POINT?
Photo Credit: Bravo