Guys, this Cartegena trip is not going well. The Real Housewives Of New York continue their journey to the center of Bethenny Frankel’s emotional meltdown this week as she continues to unravel. Dorinda Medley offers support in the best way she knows how: by letting Bethenny cry, then getting drunk and picking a fight with Luann de Lesseps at dinner. While their argument picks up steam on one end of the table, Carole Radziwill faces off with Bethenny on the other. Basically, it’s a boom operator’s nightmare, what with microphones only able to pick up on one Housewife clusterf**k at a time!
Before we get to the big fight, we pick up right where we left off: Bethenny in the kitchen with Dorinda, crying and shoving her head into the freezer. WTF?!? After rejecting Luann’s comfort, Bethenny unloads her worries on Dorinda. She’s in a custody battle with her ex, she’s moving to a new apartment, her life is too scheduled, and she’s at war with her (former) best friend. Basically, Bethenny’s life can be summed up as #ThisIsACrisis.
After Dorinda calms Bethenny down, they go shopping with the group. Meanwhile, Luann is feeling rejected (natch) and Carole is wondering why Bethenny has to drag the entire trip down with her “negative, toxic energy.” Obviously, Carole has no patience or empathy left for her friend, and it’s clear that their relationship is DUNZO. Sonja Morgan meekly tries to bring up the fact that Bethenny hasn’t necessarily done anything harmful to anyone on this trip; she’s just going through a tough time. Carole disagrees, claiming Bethenny has hurt her for months.
Sonja thinks being a good friend equals standing by them when they’re a hot ass mess. I mean, this is the only way Sonja can hang on to friends after all, so it makes sense! In the shops, Sonja confides in Dorinda about how unfeeling Carole is – but Dorinda doesn’t want to get involved. She’s sticking to her marching orders: First rule of Bethenny Club is do NOT talk about Bethenny Club!
But this doesn’t stop Carole from whispering in a corner to Dorinda. She doesn’t believe Bethenny’s tears, or she simply doesn’t care. Since Bethenny’s life is pretty rad, Carole thinks she should just get her sh*t together, be grateful for what she has, and get the eff over it. Bethenny realizes that literally everyone is talking about her and now, feeling about as rejected as Luann, finally just plops down on a curb with Sonja as her only confidante. “I’m not helping things,” admits Sonja when Bethenny spirals even further down, eventually calling Dennis and threatening to book a plane out of there.
Even Ramona chimes in with her two cents: “Her behavior is very erratic!” And ya know, when Ramona Singer is calling your behavior erratic (not to mention using the word “erratic” correctly in a sentence), it’s time to reassess your whole damn life.
While the ladies lunch, Bethenny cries on the phone to Dennis. He calms her down enough to join the group, if only for now. But when she makes a joke about the table “wanting to poison her” with fish, no one laughs. Like, NO ONE. This is sadly not the carefree Mexico trip of last year, folks. Last year, we had Luann falling into a bush and Sonja flashing her boobs at passersby. This year, we have seven people eating Paella in TOTAL SILENCE for what seems like hours. Ugggghhhhh.
Back at the hotel, Carole and Dorinda get massages while Bethenny attempts to turn her mood around by reveling in her many retail purchases. Sonja struggles valiantly with cameltoe shorts before dinner, but that ain’t nothing a little toilet paper shoved in the crotch won’t fix! Again, I ask…WTF?!? Also, I love Sonja for this moment. We need this.
In Carole’s room, she privately asks Sonja what Bethenny’s real issue is? Well, Bethenny knows you hate her ass now, Carole! Bottom line: The friendship is over. But Carole thinks it’s all Bethenny’s fault. Sigh. Until both of them take ownership of their part in things, they won’t get anywhere. (And now that we know Carole is definitely leaving RHONY after this season, it seems as if that ship has permanently sailed. Best wishes with those Coupon Cabin cameos, girl! Rots o’ Ruck!)
At dinner later, the sh*t officially hits the Colombian fan when Carole and Bethenny finally face off after Sonja fills her in – and after Sonja orders a “mocktini” in solidarity with sober Luann…then asks for tequila in it. LOL.
After Carole and Dorinda sneak off for a smoke, she comes back to “address the elephant in the room.” She doesn’t want the trip to continue with this wall up between Bethenny and her, but Beth sees it more like an “erosion.” Carole disagrees. She thought they put their issues to bed earlier, but obviously not. Talking about it now isn’t a great option considering the entire table is listening to their argument, as evidenced by Dorinda’s not-so-covert-spying below:
When Luann calls Dorinda out on her mounting aggressive behavior – powered by
non Skinnygirl tequila – Dorinda goes HAM on her. No longer are we (or the camera crew) interested in Carole’s battle with Bethenny! No, we’re focused on Dorinda blowing her slurry top in 3 seconds flat. “Why don’t you drink some more and get arrested?” she snarks at Luann, shoving drinks across the table at her. Luann is dumbfounded, likely because she has to deal with this drunken brawl while stone cold sober.
Cameras whip back and forth to Bethenny and Carole trading tits for tats while Dorinda continues to go even lower (if you can believe it) with Luann in the corner. When Luann refuses to apologize for what Dorinda thinks is her “self-righteous” judgment, Dorinda reminds Lu, “I didn’t get a mugshot” for drinking too much. “Really?” deadpans Lu, ready to march out and feeling betrayed by someone she thought supported her. “REALLY,” slurs Dorinda.
“YOU WANNA GO TO COURT?” Bethenny screams from the other end of the nightmare while Carole just shrugs it off as them not liking each other much anymore. Bethenny wants Carole to read their texts, which is moot at this point.
Holy sh*tballs! DIS TEW MUCH. How can we keep up with this level of drama at one table?!? Even Ramona looks scared, and the Ramonacoaster does not scare easily. At this point, Dorinda has morphed into FULL Slurinda mode, and she’s ready to attack anyone in her path – including Ramona. No one and nothing is safe (including the back of Dorinda’s hand) when Gansgsta Do reaches this blood alcohol level. The night is essentially a total disaster and someone just needs to start screaming “GO TO BED! GO TO BED! YOU’RE CRAZY!” circa Scary Island to put an end to the madness.
Also: Are Sonja’s shorts unzipped? What is happening here??? <screaming face emoji>
At least Carole tries to calm the storm by kissing Bethenny and reminding her, “I do love you” before she leaves dinner. Beth still isn’t sure where they stand though. Too much has gone down to fix it all with a wink and a kiss.
If you forgot that Tinsley Mortimer was on this trip, well, that makes two of us! So she reminds us of her presence by inserting herself into the Luann/Dorinda drama on the way back to the house. She thinks Lu was in the wrong to judge Dorinda’s drinking, given the fact that she’s had serious issues with alcohol herself. And hey, she’s not wrong about that.
Back home, Luann tearfully tells Bethenny about the fight happening adjacent to her own. Bethenny hugs her, reminding Luann that Dorinda’s wrath isn’t really about her – it’s about how disgustingly low Dorinda goes when she’s drunk. (Lest we forget Sonja’s many run-ins with Dorinda on the wrong side of too many martinis.) This is a problem. In fact, it was such a problem in Puerto Rico that Bethenny straight up called her a “drunk,” which she now confesses to Luann. She hasn’t told anyone this story yet, but cameras were there, so now is as good of a time as any to share it. At least Luann can relate to someone being in denial about their problems.
Meanwhile, Dorinda is downstairs droning on about inviting heroin addicts to her house and “never shlaming anyone whoosh got a problem!” Carole just listens to Crazy Lady, eventually joining Bethenny in helping her wipe off the lipstick smeared across her entire face. Where’s Luann to start crooning Money Can’t Buy You Class when we need her? Because all of these chicks need it right about now.
DAMN, ladies! Is it time for that boat to go down yet? Grab your life jackets.
TELL US: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED AT THAT TABLE?!? CAN LUANN AND DORINDA COME BACK FROM THIS? IS THIS THE LAST STRAW FOR BETHENNY AND CAROLE?
Photo Credit: Bravo