It’s the end of an era. The Real Housewives Of New York have left the building, with nary a poop smear in sight. And despite the war-torn stage that hosted this bitter reunion, season ten will still go down in the history books as one of the most dramatic, comi-tragic, and just plain bananas television we’ve seen on the franchise in a long time. Goodbye, Carole Radziwill! Hello……….Jill Zarin? (Okay, I’m not speaking this into existence – just wondering! Stand down, internet.)
Who knows what next year will bring, so in the meantime let’s catch up with these brawling b*tches one more time! We pick up from last week with Carole giving Andy Cohen and Bethenny Frankel the stink eye after having been told that she bashed Bethenny on the show just as much as Beth bashed her. The argument continues with social media evidence of Carole’s friend slamming Skinny Girl, Carole bringing up Bethenny blocking her on IG, and finally – Red Scarf Guy. No! Not this dude again.
Bryan (RSG), hasn’t been in touch with either Bethenny or Carole since filming, but Carole still feels like Bethenny came at her sideways over the dating situation. As Carole tries to explain the Bryan story, Bethenny goads her by snarking “I heard a STORY too” and waving her hands around. But Carole has her trusty readers and iPhone, so she reads Bryan’s text as evidence that Bethenny was lying about his interest in her. Bethenny grabs her phone to duel it out, reading back texts from her to Bryan that end with “I can set you up with Carole if you like.”
When Carole refutes this claim, Bethenny jumps out of her seat to shove the phone in her face. “Boo Yah, B*tch! That’s what it said!” she shouts as Andy openly giggles. Oh man, is he enjoying this after Carole came at him. “Lie!” shouts Carole, even when Andy grabs the phone to read the text in question. Carole claims this text exchange came after Bethenny realized Bryan was interested in Carole, and she’s just covering her tracks now.
Finally, Sonja Morgan, heroine of the hour, ends this absolute clusterf**k. “This is a battle of egos. Nobody even wants this ‘Red Guy’ anyway,” she shrugs. EXACTLY.
Andy wonders where Carole and Bethenny go from here? The answer is nowhere. This friendship and these two women are done. Dorinda Medley doesn’t think any friendship – even this one – is ever over, even her relationship with Luann De Lesseps. She thinks this is just a “comma” not a “period” in their story. Hmm. I think it’s more of a *#[email protected]%!!!**#@!
Moving on to Sonja, we remember the days when she returned from her “retreat” in Costa Rica <side eye> and immediately started questioning Tinsley Mortimer’s ability to support herself, not to mention her flare-ups with Ramona Singer (the P.O.S!) and Dorinda over Morgan Family Crests (!!) and deceased/divorced husbands. Despite battling half the women on this stage, Sonja really doesn’t give two sh*ts anymore.
In typical Sonja fashion, she’s gold-fished herself into the next chapter of her life, which involves a rented townhouse and a new apartment where she can suck on alllllllllll the clear ice she wants. Take that, haters! (Question: Who moved the 46 bottles of Wesson Oil in the basement? We need answers.) Sonja does admit she was a mess at the beginning of the season, blaming it on – literally – going off her meds. “I was just saying every thought in my head!” laughs Sonja.
Tinsley (who, yes, is still here) finally gets to make a speech about how mean Sonja was to her. “You called me a prostitute!” says Tinsley, at which Sonja just rolls her eyes. Sigh. This moment isn’t going to make Tinsley happen, so let’s move on, shall we?
As for Dorinda’s beef with Sonja, it’s still not quite over. Dorinda still thinks Sonja doesn’t get the difference between losing a husband and divorcing a husband (especially years ago). Sonja knows this, but she still argues that mourning the loss is something she’s still doing – obviously. Despite Dorinda being constantly triggered by Sonja’s nuttiness, she basically knows she’s harmless. But she still thinks that family crest sh*t is WACK.
When it comes to Sonja and Ramona, their relationship is just as dysfunctionally delightful as ever. And Ramona wins the award for comic relief when she stands up in the middle of the Sonja/Dorinda bickering to shake out her “cramp.” It’s a testament to what a lovable lunatic Ramona is that NO ONE bats an eye when Ramona just starts shaking a tail feather in front of the couches. LOLOLOLOLOL
Oh lordt! Time to relive the marathon, ya’ll. And writing 500 word articles. And breaking up with semi-boyfriends. Yes, it’s Carole’s storyline, and we must bear witness to all of the thrilling moments in one sad montage. Carole says she and Adam still occasionally see one another, but it’s still over(ish). Everyone offers kudos to Carole for accomplishing such a huge goal this year, which anyone who finishes a marathon does deserve.
However, the real subtext of Carole’s storyline this season was her close relationship with Tinsley. But OH SNAP! Carole is apparently done using Tinsley as her on-camera wing woman because now she claims they’re not that close after all. Sure, they take vacations together. Sure, their sort-of-boyfriends were friends. Sure, Tinsley still thinks their BFFS. But I guess Carole is throwing everyone under the bus right now, including poor little Tins, because she can’t even bring herself to admit liking her all that much anymore. Wtf?!?
As for Carole’s journalism career, it ended 17 years ago, which Bethenny makes a point to remind her of – much to Carole’s chagrin. Again, the women jump into an argument about who has a bigger – or at least current – career, and Bethenny knows she’s the winner. “Would you like to put your resume up against my resume?” Bethenny taunts. Carole digs in, reminding Bethenny that her
dad can beat up other peoples’ dads career is super awesome and cool too. OMG, MAKE IT STAHP.
But before we move on, the tension in Colombia must be addressed. Bethenny admits that she was in a bad place from being overwhelmed back home, but she didn’t intend to direct her emotional breakdown at anyone in particular. Carole then explains, in one of the most ridiculous monologues of the reunion (and that’s saying something), that she has a “ginormous hippocampus” which apparently makes her extra sane, with no emotion on top.
Sonja can’t even handle the craziness she’s hearing, which also pretty much says it all…no? She’s proud of her very small “hippocramptik” because, hey – at least she has “a very large vagina!” Oh Sonja, never ever ever ever EVER change. Or go back on your meds. Mmmkay? Thanksabunch.
Thank god the conversation turns to the topic of drowning next! Ramona, who’s flown right under the radar for this segment of the reunion, pipes up to defend how legit scary that Colombian boat ride was. “We could have capsized!” she says. “We could have died!” Everyone except Tinsley agrees that the situation was a lot more dire than what cameras showed. Even Sonja-od-the-very-small-hippocampus agrees that it was treacherous. As for what the viewers bore witness to after the boat trip, well, we can never unsee that. Yes, it’s time to address those poop smears.
Despite winning “Most Improved” on the room picking front, Ramona still sh*t all over the trip. Literally. (Then again, so did nearly everyone else!) Andy wonders how human feces even gets on the floor? Ramona just shrugs, no shame in her diarrhea game, explaining how it was just “running out of me!” What’s a Housewife to do? In Sonja’s case, at least she comes prepared with diapers. #Winning
On that note, Andy closes the reunion by asking everyone what their biggest regrets of the season were. Bethenny says that calling Dorinda “a drunk” is hers, which Dorinda thanks her sincerely for admitting. She breaks down in tears, hugging Bethenny – who apologizes again – then excusing herself for a moment. Aww, are these two okay now? Let’s hope so. Sonja and Tinsley say that they both regret starting the season off by bickering with each other.
Ramona regrets posting that group photo of all of the ladies on their spa trip because it hurt Luann, who was in a vulnerable place at the time, post-rehab and arrest. Carole regrets
those socks the fact that her friendship with Bethenny couldn’t be repaired. “I tried,” she says, “but I failed.” Dorinda regrets her fight with Luann, who she has a long history with and still cares about deeply. She also regrets getting wasted at Bethenny’s dinner, which might just haunt her forever.
In the end, the RHONY ladies toast with some healthy green juice, raising their glasses to Luann. Because nobody puts the Countess in the corner.
TELL US: WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON SEASON 10 OF RHONY? ON THE REUNION AS A WHOLE? ANY PREDICTIONS FOR NEXT SEASON?
Photo Credit: Charles Sykes/Bravo