You could’ve spotted Ryhlee riding the crazy train from a mile away; tooting her horn and waving a flag that reads “SS ATTENTION WHORES.” It’s always the ones who go overboard trying to prove they’re normal that cause the most mess! Of course, Chandler isn’t doing himself any favors trying to run this boat like his name is Captain Lee Rosbach when he’s merely a bosun and his second in command Ross Inia is basically doing all the work.
Chandler’s little lips are so pinched they’re the tightest burrito Chipotle ever rolled and any Real Housewife worth her margarita salt would warn him about the wrinkles this will cause. As it stands Chandler and Rhylee are on two opposite ends of the reality TV spectrum and need to stop playing tug-a-war before it becomes an all-out war. Oh, wait… too late!
Steve Bradley is 123 sheets to the wind while riding a jet ski at 70mph … at 8:30 am. When Captain Lee spots him without a lifejacket he comes down to issue some ground rules, then orders the deck crew put away the remainder of the jet skis to punish Steve into complying or come crawling home. Sure enough, within seconds Steve is bored that he has no one to play with – because all sensible people are eating breakfast and just starting their drinking for the day. Also, probably, nobody likes Steve, they just like the fancy vacations his money can buy. Lee blames Chandler for not having a handle on the life jacket situation which means it’s strike one for our newbie boson with a million years of insecurities to make up for.
The plan for the day is a picnic on the black sand beaches, but when Chandler and the crew take the tender to scout locations they realize it’s too rocky to get close enough to haul the supplies to shore. Kate Chastain is tasked with breaking the news to Steve, who has changed into a white tuxedo dinner jacket and bow-tie, with flower crown, but no shirt. Al0-hahahahaha, you crazy, bitch!
Rhylee is pissed that she was the only deckhand who wasn’t invited on the mission to conquer the unchartered terrain. She thinks it’s because she’s the only girl and Chandler doesn’t believe she can lift heavy stuff – even though as a boat captain in Alaska she spends all day throwing men overboard while picking up 1,000 mackerel and savagely ripping chunks of their raw flesh out with her teeth. Actually, somebody from the deck crew just had to stay behind and she’s the least experienced. Rhylee is literally looking for bones to pick…
Steve is not happy about the canceled beach picnic and immediately stalks into Lee’s office to complain. Like a 3-year-old throwing a tantrum he threatens to jump off the bow of the ship unless Captain Lee does what he says. Obviously, Captain Lee tells him to go walk the plank but makes Ashton Pienaar hold his hand while Steve plunges into the uncertain depths of his lack of dignity. Afterward, Steve floats in the water so long Kate wonders if he’s dead. Meanwhile, the rest of the charter group enjoys a lovely lunch on the lower deck and ignores him.
Things are largely calm in the interior crew although Caroline Bedol is shocked Adrian Martin suggests that she’s overly touchy and snaps at people. Caroline reacts by bursting into tears about her narcissistic father. That sounds dreadful and like she needs counseling, NOT to put herself on reality TV where the likes of someone like Ryhlee and the nefarious-leaning Josiah Carter will use their animalistic instincts to snarl and claw until she explodes into something resembling a concoction Adrian will whip up for dessert. In the absence of therapy, maybe she should just do some yoga with him every morning?
After their “sssssh!” fight Caroline is determined to put aside any issues with Josiah because for the most part she likes working with him. And so far – at least to her face – he seems a wonderful, charming guy with tons of experience. Behind her back, he’s complaining to Kate that she’s basically a gentle flower who will turn into a liability. Caroline needs constant reassurance and calls Kate’s name so often it’s reminiscent of the way my kids bellow “mom!” every 15 seconds. It’s like OK, you know how to turn on the tap to get water, and
mommy Kate is having her much-needed wine so SHHHH!
Kate doesn’t care, because so far everyone is working hard, not f–king up, and she doesn’t explain 334 times how to load a dishwasher. I believe we call this period “The calm before the storms” and “If things sound too good to be true, they probably are!” Or maybe reality TV has turned me into a pessimist?
Steve has apparently drank so much the alcohol worked some voodoo magic to have reserve effects which turned him normal instead of insane. For their final dinner, Captain Lee predicts he’s in for a really, really unsavory meal, but instead Steve is charming and fun. Until he insists upon having a foam party in the hot tub. Which no one else attends! It’s the saddest thing I’ve ever seen on this show: Steve alone in this hot tub exploding with bubbles until the bubbles overtake him growing larger and larger until we can’t even see his head for the foam. Eventually realizing that he’s about to literally be consumed by soap byproduct he stands up and bellows for Kate to come save him, but she, like every other woman in his life, has abandoned him to his own delusion of fun. When Steve lays his head down on his pillow, on particularly bad days, I feel like this is the nightmare which won’t leave his mind.
The next morning, recovering from foam abandonment, Steve doles out a meager tip and everyone is pissed that such a high-maintenance wacko is also a cheap jerk. But at least they have a crew night out to look forward to… where they can spend the entire evening staring at Rhylee’s nipples! She is wearing some sort of white, sheer jumpsuit with NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH. “Where is your bra,” fumes Kate in the confessionals. Precisely! And now I feel like my grandmother who also referred to pants as “slacks.” But still, WHERE IS YOUR BRA!? Ashton is here for it, but he may be the only one.
As they leave the boat Chandler complains about the charter and Rhylee wonders if he’s allowed to speak so freely. He clarifies that off the boat he isn’t technically her boss, and that’s where they get into the rough waters of semantics.
Things are not going well for ol’ Chandler, are they? If you’ve ever seen Friends, it’s the curse of that name! But anyway, he has problems with Captain Lee over communicating the wrong deck while dropping the anchor, until Ross takes over with efficient hand signals, then Chandler has difficulty communicating the chain of command to Rhylee who takes it personally that he doesn’t feel she’s capable of work, and Ross has to fix that too. Then Rhylee overhears Chandler complaining that she asks too many questions, and basically Ross needs to just take over as bosun.
By the time everyone has a few drinks in them it’s bound to turn toxic. First Ashton won’t leave the club because he’s macking on women and dancing. Annoyed at having to wait for him until they have to pull him out of the club, Chandler decides to punish the deck crew by issuing a 6 am start time. Rhylee, fairly, notes that if he does this it will piss the crew off, but Chandler digs in his heels until she starts yelling about whether or not he’s her friend or her boss and if she’s allowed to speak to him about how he’s an asshole. A) He is an asshole; but B) No, you can’t scream at him, because even though he’s kinda sorta not always your boss, he’s still always kinda, sorta your boss. So if you have issues, wait until everyone is sober and try to speak calmly, then tattle to Captain Lee.
Chandler huffily stomps back to the boat to vengefully scratch “START TIME: 6 AM” onto the dry-erase board. Ooooh! You told’em! Rhylee is hot on his tail to continue their argument until Ross intercedes, gently pushing her out of the room and trying to negotiate with Chandler – to no avail. Ross accepts that this is the chain of the command, but Rhylee is captain of her own mind.
Outside his door Rhylee rants to Kate and all who will listen about how Chandler was waving his witchy finger around like he’s the boss, until Chandler comes out and stands menacingly behind her, glaring. So, um, yes these two are getting along swimmingly!
Next week things will really, REALLY go down in flames and Ross is forced to inform Captain Lee!
TELL US – WAS RHYLEE OUT OF LINE OR WAS CHANDLER BEING AN A-HOLE?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]