On last night’s episode of 90 Day Fiance, the couples start settling into their new life in America. Did I say “settling”? I meant “arguing” because that’s exactly what started happening. Mercury is clearly in the 90 Day retrograde with all heck breaking loose for our no-longer-long-distance lovers.
Tania Too Hype and Syngin haven’t even said goodbye to her friends before she throws down the gauntlet on having kids. Clock’s a tickin’, Syngin! We get to meet our newest member of the club, a Washington farmer named Mike. He is anxiously waiting on Natalie from Ukraine. Little does Natalie know, Mike is hiding a secret that might hinder their future plans. Anna Campisi and Mursel Mistanoglu continue to play a game of “Seriously, why are we ever together? Honestly”. Damned if I know. Robert and Anny can’t even make it through a car ride without fighting. Not one single car ride, y’all. Emily gives birth to Sasha‘s third child (that we know of) and surprise! It doesn’t go as planned. Finally, Juliana arrives into the loving arms of Michael…..and a stretch Hummer limo. Hold on tight, friends – this Hummer limo has a few bumps along the way.
Tania, 29 (Colchester, Connecticut) and Syngin, 29 (South Africa)
Here we are on Tania Too Hype and the Syngin‘s Big New York Adventure, and why shouldn’t we be? Her girlfriends are still there too so the more the merrier if you ask me. We rejoin Tania and Syngin in the morning, in bed, next to the Bedside Sex Table, in the smallest hotel room I have ever seen.
Surprisingly, her friends aren’t there but I’m guessing it’s only because two more people couldn’t fit in that room. Anyway, Tania tells us she’s really enjoying the simple parts of being together again, like smelling Syngin’s armpits. This is a surefire way to gauge how long a couple is together because no one that has been dating for an extended period of time would have anything intimate to do with their partner’s armpit. Trust me.
But it’s time to stop sniffing and start sightseeing. They meet up with Too Hype’s friends, who she lovingly points out were there before Syngin and if need be, will be there after him too. They all sit down for a sushi lunch. Syngin fills them/us in on what his plans are for working in the U.S. Buckle up, guys, this boy has DREAMS. His plans include (in no particular order) being a firefighter, a bartender, going on Hollywood auditions, being in the opera and basically whatever tickles his fancy.
I don’t really know how one plans to do a “Hollywood audition” from one’s backyard shed in Connecticut but hey, reach for the stars! To their credit, Tania’s friends are super gracious about his 8 year-old-me-list-of-things-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow up and they sweetly suggest maybe he could just pick a lane?
Maybe but Too Hype has some plans of her own and just when you thought Syngin sounded nuts, Tania has come to say “hold my beer”. Tania wants a baby. Like, is super hype about wanting a baby, whether Syngin is ready or not. When they are finally alone out to dinner, they don’t even get the breadbasket before she’s asking again.
Luckily, they are seated right by the door in case Syngin needs a quick escape plan. But none is needed because he stands his ground and informs her that he’s not going to be pushed into anything. Besides, doesn’t she wants to travel? Doesn’t she want to buy a van or live on land? Sorry, guys, he said one or the other. And with Syngin, it could be either. Too Hype has been so busy planning her own dreams that he completely forgot about his. And I think we all deserve to see how his opera career plays out.
Mike, 34 (Sequim, WA) and Natalie, 35 (Kyiv, Ukraine)
Enter our newest lonely heart Mike – tall, loud and proud (his words). He rolls up to meet us on an ATV, which is almost the perfect introduction if he wasn’t upstaged by his uncle (more on that in a minute). Ok, so Mike’s family has been in the small town of Sequim for 130 years and they have had their 27-acre farm for generations. When it came time to sell it, Mike decided it would be best to keep it in the family and buy it for himself. Enter his uncle and farmhand Beau, who is easily my favorite person on this show. Beau is described as “happy as a clown” and despite being one of the domestically born individuals on the show, he requires subtitles. More. Beau. Please.
But life on the farm with just a clown/uncle can be lonely and Mike has one failed marriage behind him already. Luckily, love found Mike when his friend married a Ukrainian woman who had a beautiful friend….enter Natalie. They started talking via text and once Mike
saw a picture got to know her, he hightailed it to the Ukraine faster than Caesar from Before the 90 Days could send Maria that money she requested.
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Natalie is adorable and full of life, the vegetarian to his meat-eater, the elegance to his ogre, the beauty to his beast. Three months after meeting, Mike sealed the deal with a romantic proposal and here we are, watching them FaceTime and disagree on when they should have kids. Ahhh, love! But Mike has a secret and that secret is credit card debt. So, in other words, he’s broke and Natalie has no idea.
Not so good news from Kyiv – Natalie’s visa is delayed and it might be six months before she can be approved to come to the U.S. Mike is understandably upset. Poor Natalie was all ready to go before getting the rug pulled out from under her. Because of the delay, Natalie wants Mike to come to her and here we are in that pickle again. Money is tight, but he also misses her and will make it happen anyway. Time to bust out the credit card again.
Anna, 38 (Bellevue, Nebraska) and Mursel, 38 (Turkey)
We last saw Anna and Mursel knee-deep in nachos and staring down the barrel of her mom, who wanted to make sure that Mursell 1) doesn’t stone people and 2) will stay with her daughter and admit to his parents that she has kids.
They head to a park, where Anna continues to press Mursel about whether or not he’s going to leave her, all through a translator app on her phone. But some things are lost in translation. And one of those things would be Anna’s damn mind. Why wasn’t this discussed BEFORE he came to the U.S.? It doesn’t sound like he was ever on board with telling his parents about Anna’s kids. Hi, this should be a deal-breaker for any mother.
Mursel admits that the only way he would tell his parents is on their deathbed, which seems like a pretty thought-out plan? Maybe too thought-out? Who plans something like that? A man who is carrying a murse full of lies, that’s who! He tells Anna this is his destiny and no one, including Anna, knows what that means.
Anna thinks her boys know something is up and we call all file that under “no duh”. Gino was sitting right there at dinner when they had the whole awkward conversation about them being a secret to Mursel’s family. Mursel tells them he doesn’t want to lose his family while Anna sits there staring at her shoes. Gino is the only logical one, saying it’s not fair and if Mursel came to America without thinking of the consequences, that’s his problem. Smart kid. Now if only your mom had your good sense.
Robert, 41 (Winter Park, Florida) and Anny, 30 (Dominican Republic)
Anny is finally here and she wants us to know she had sex with Robert last night. Robert wants us to know he had lots of drinks. And all of this leads Anny to the appropriate moment to cash in and ask for some clothes. Robert is willing and able. So, hat to the back and off we go! Robert decides to keep the shop a secret so Anny can be surprised when they show up and boy was that an understatement.
It doesn’t take long for Anny picking through clothes she deems “ugly” and “rubbish” to realize she is in a second-hand clothing store, also known as places some people need to shop and there is nothing wrong with it. But Anny said she was expecting fancy clothes like Chanel or Versace. Anny, honey, you really are in the wrong place and I’m not talking about the shop you walked into.
She storms out, with the clerk, who is all of us, watching awkwardly. Because Anny may be poor but she will be damned if she wears clothes that could have been worn by dead people. Come on, girl, those dead people clothes would match your cold, dead heart perfectly! Robert, in a shocking display of newfound balls, tells her she is selfish and reminds everyone that money doesn’t fall out of his ass. Noted.
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They head out to dinner, Anny still upset about being brought to a second-hand clothing store. If she’s looking for an apology, she’s not going to get one because tensions just rise when wedding talk comes up at the table. She was imagining a full beach wedding in Miami with seafood and all. Robert was thinking more along the lines of a small courthouse ceremony and buffet. Anny responds by saying she’s going to throw her wine in his face. The waiter breaks up the tension when he delivers their fish dip.
I don’t know how I feel about this. Even if Anny is being materialistic, it’s clear that Robert made her some promises he wasn’t prepared to deliver. With both of them digging in, their relationship is about to last as long as that fish dip. Also, where is that iPhone you promised her? How’s a girl supposed to talk smack on you to her friends without one?
The ride home isn’t much better. These two haven’t even made it through one day without showing some major cracks in the relationship. She thinks he’s a liar. He thinks she’s ungrateful. He tells her she can sleep on the couch and I’m shocked at how quickly this escalated. However, I am even more shocked at how quickly they diffused matters by simply saying they didn’t want to fight. Ok then. Now seems like the perfect time for Robert to present Anny with the gift of…..lingerie, which we all know isn’t really a gift for her but for him. You aren’t fooling anyone, Robert. I’ve got my uncomfortable consignment store clerk eyes on you, bud.
Emily, 28 (Portland, Oregon) and Sasha, 31 (Russia)
Emily is in labor and Sasha, despite having two other kids, has never been in the delivery room since it’s not customary in Russia. So what happened when his other two kids were born? Sasha doesn’t know. Maybe he was working. Maybe he was finding another woman to marry. Who knows? Why dabble in such “what ifs” when he is here now?
And to his credit, he is a very loving partner to Emily in all of her pain. Once Emily has her epidural, she tells us she wishes her family could be there, but doesn’t regret her decision to stay in Russia so Sasha could be present. At this point, she needs him since none of the medical staff speaks English.
Hours later, Emily is exhausted and Sasha looks bored. She’s fully-dilated but unfortunately, the baby is in the wrong position and she needs an emergency c-section. Emily is freaking out and honestly, I would be too given that she’s giving birth in what looks like a hospital/former insane asylum.
Ok, so it’s time and please, TLC, less surgery and more cute, squishy newborn baby. He’s finally here and Sasha is ready to present Dave (wait, Dave?) …..yes, he’s presenting newborn baby Dave to Emily. Adult American name aside, Dave is adorable and it looks like Sasha was genuinely happy to have been there for the birth of his child. Hey, maybe he can do that for the next kid too (mother TBD)!
Michael, 41 (Greenwich, Connecticut) and Juliana, 23 (Brazil)
Michael is back from Brazil and anxiously waiting to find out about Juliana‘s visa status and not the Visa card she charged a car to, her K-1 visa. Luckily, Juliana sends word that it was approved and it’s time to fire up the
douche mobile stretch Hummer limo. Huh, I didn’t realize we teleported back to 2005 but what do I know about cars? I’m the dummy that pays for them with cash and bank financing.
Juliana arrives off her flight and looking gorgeous. They seem so happy to see each other. Despite the whole stench of them meeting on a European yacht party, I think these two crazy kids (ok, well one crazy kid and one crazy adult) are actually in love. They jump into the Hummer limo. After popping champagne, Michael tells Juliana they could shoot a limo porn, whatever that is.
I will never understand rich people. Champagne is popped and he decides to hit her with the $4K monstrosity that is a piece of jewelry with every color you can think of shoved onto a necklace. She loves it (seemingly) and I guess we can all start to sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” in unison. Say what you want about Michael, but he does know how to treat a young lady, as an old skeezer should
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As they get closer to Greenwich, Juliana is worried that his kids won’t like her. Michael brings her into the apartment they are staying at and she rightly calls it a disaster. She gets to meet his kids and the real stars of the show, Max and Cece. They welcome her with cake and breakfast. These two are so pure I can’t stand it! Can we seriously give it up to Michael for raising these two adorably sweet children? If anyone would be equipped to deal with their father’s child bride, it would be these two.
TELL US- DO YOU THINK TANIA WAS BEING FAIR TO SYNGIN? SHOULD MURSEL JUST PACK UP AND GO HOME? DO YOU THINK ROBERT LIED TO ANNY? SOUND OFF BELOW!
[Photo Credit: TLC]