Last night’s Below Deck was certainly stiff with drama, wasn’t it!? Former ESPN host Jemele Hill came on board with a group of her girlfriends to celebrate her bachelorette party. They wanted smiling stewardesses, nonstop drinks, and a penis cake. Well they got everything, but the smiling stewardesses!
But first … le drama! With mere hours left before the new – famous! – charter guest arrives, Captain Lee Rosbach has to put all the naughty slumber-partying kids to bed with the threat of punishment. No dessert for a week! He storms to the aft deck like an enraged mommy woken from her slumber. The only thing he needed was curlers in his hair to complete the look, (pecs are the new curlers).
Kate Chastain slinks to her bed then bursts into sobs. Kate is beyond fed up with being taken advantage of by the men on this boat so good thing she only has 3 days left to go! The next morning the mood is tense and testy as Captain Lee calls the entire crew in for a meeting.
The rules are simple: if you can’t get along, get out – and even if there’s 15 minutes until the final docking he will absolutely fire people. For Rhylee Gerber this is the final warning to keep her mouth shut. And also her eyes apparently, courtesy of giant sunglasses to shield her face. Oh, Rhylee also turned off her radio so, “See no evil, Hear No Evil, Speak no evil…” I suppose!
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Rhylee has decided she just won’t bother speaking with Ashton Pienaar, which is really and truly the best way to have a relationship with him if you’re not a “bru.” It turns out that’s also the best way to have a relationship with Brian de Saint Pern. Not wanting to end things on a bad note Courtney Skippon, proving herself as aged as fine champagne, tries to have a mature conversation with him about their argument in the Thai market. No one’s relationship should disintegrate amid smelly fish guts and desiccated large insects after all! Or amid the vulgar expletives of Rhylee on a rage bender!
Except Brian has been fully converted to ‘bru.’ Mere minutes outside of Courtney’s orbit, and the tender threads of decency were severed with one of Kevin Dobson‘s knives. Far from having a discussion Brian accuses Courtney of being disloyal because she dared to defend Kate instead of blindly having his back. I’m sorry — is this 1910, when women are expected to be subservient, voiceless, nameless creatures? I just finished reading Margaret Atwood’s The Blind Assassin, so clearly I undertand Brian, Ashton and their cretinous ilk’s views on women. In fact they’re so cretinous I’d say Kevin ought to cook them for dinner if that weren’t committing cannibalism by eating his own kind.
Also Brian banged his shin walking around the boat, and whacked his nose on his bunk of something so Courtney should probably have his front instead.
Anyway, during this so-called conversation Brian calls Courtney “bru” and if a man ever calls you bro, or dude, or any version of a masochistic moniker that is automatic grounds for termination. That is the cheap beer of insults. Then Brian has the nerve to complain to Ashton and Tanner Sterback, who is the masculine equivalent of a can of anchovies left open in a hot car, that he can’t handle Courtney running to Kate to complain about everything he does. Yeah, but how does Courtney feel about him regurgitating misogyny to the Bru-Squad?
Courtney winds up in tears and is comforted by Kevin, who smirks as he hugs her. Of course Kevin is the type of men who wants to save women from their emotional selves. Thankfully Kate rushes in to save Courtney from Kevin’s forced compassion/notcompassion.
Then Tanner has the audacity to point-blank proposition Kate about setting a a sex date. Like Rhylee, I’d rather have explosive diarrhea. In a public bathroom.
Anyway by the time Jemele and her friends arrive the mood on board is somber, despite the flower crowns. Through the TV you could feel the low energy, and Jemele picked up on it right away. Initially Kate loves their quirky ideas for parties – a 90’s themed bachelorette event, a three dimensional penis cake, beach picnics with massages – but she quickly sours on them when Jemele confronts Kate for being in a bad mood.
Jemele point-blank asks if Kate is annoyed by them, and when Kate haltingly answers that she’s not Jemele promises that she’ll give Kate something to be annoyed over. Kate is a girl who rises to any challenge – even a three-point shot – but she does not like being called out. Kate isn’t annoyed with the guests, she’s annoyed with her co-workers, but projecting it everywhere she goes. It’s not just Kate though. The deck crew is also wan about their interactions with the guests, and the jet ski rides seem lackluster. Either everyone is tired, tired of drama, or a combination of both.
Except for Simone Mashile. Simone continues to live completely in her own world. She seems impervious to everything going on and positively loves having Jemele on board. She’s her smiley, happy self and informs Kevin that since these guests are getting under Kate’s skin, she likes them even more! That inspires Kevin to really cook his ice-cold heart out until it’s thawed and perfectly seared. The guests LOVE his food. Which does look higher quality than usual.
Lunch goes off without a hitch and the first supper is also a smashing success. Afterwards Kate has the crew change into 90’s themed attire (how on earth did they know to pack such a thing?) for a throwback to the era when MTV was cool. Jemele is having so much fun (and is so many sheets to the wind) she can’t even remember why she found Kate off-putting and apologizes to her, bitch to bitch. Kate excepts, cooly and with reserve, because a bitch is as a bitch does, and this bitch wants a good tip. And not the kind of tip Kevin is constructing from cake in the kitchen!
The next morning Jemele nearly misses breakfast she’s so hungover, then wakes up requesting a shot of bourbon. Jemele has to be alert for her beach picnic – to pay astute attention to the bins used to transport and serve the lunch! I mean an iKea Tupperware — how gauche! But that’s just what Kevin and Kate argued, profusely, over. Kate lobbied for plasticware because Saran Wrap is a bitch (and not the good kind – it is also my nemesis and when that fucker gets hot, all hell breaks loose. Literally), while Kevin keeps trying to insist on using Pyrex baking dishes wrapped in the devil’s cloth (aka Saran Wrap). Kate insists that the casseroles look appalling. But more appalling than plastic tubs?
OK, I think it is high time for an important and relevant question: HAVE THESE PEOPLE NEVER HEARD OF PYREX WITH THE PLASTIC LIDS?!?!?!? MotorYacht Valor you cannot be less prepared than my mother’s garden club potluck!
Both Kate and Kevin got their way, but nobody won here. Kate was furious at once again being the victim of Kevin’s attempts to usurp her authority and belittle her, and Kevin is incensed that he cannot have a professional relationship with Kate. Still hell hath no fury like a woman forced to use Saran Wrap, so Kate decides it is high HIGH time Kevin get his due. She will be standing erect to deliver that karma …
The beach picnic was an outstanding success. None of the guests even minded getting a message on a freaking yoga mat thrown on the sand. Or being served out of discount service-ware.
=Brian is begrudgingly on Rhylee duty and she is ignoring the entire deck crew except for bare minimum interactions. Even when Ashton gives her the exalted opportunity to drop the anchor (then abandons her to it alone) she barely speaks. She’s eating in her room full-time. Ashton finds all of this completely unacceptable and complains that he will not walk on eggshells for a “junior deckhand.” Way to take a stand, bru!
Kevin has spent all day building an elaborate, and rather realistic looking, cock cake. It involved rolling a sponge, shaping it, and then freezing it before dripping ganache all over it. This really needs to be a challenge on Great British Baking Show. I can only imagine Mary Berry (I MISS HER) judging such a confection with a knowing smirk on her lips as she licked the vanilla flavored foam off the tip. Paul Hollywood would combust over the spun sugar pubes.
Ergo this was NOT the night for Captain Lee to join the guests for dinner, but there he was sitting at the head of the table. Pun intended. The guests loved the meal, but after drinking all day straight, Jemele can barely keep her eyes open and goes to pass out before dessert. Instead of warning Kevin to cut the cock cake – literally – Kate allows him to bring it out, with a sparkling candle stuck into the tip, to surprise Jemele.
Around the bend, here comes Kevin, baring a chocolate cock, flaming and flaring in his face – perfect to illuminate Kate’s smirk just behind behind him. Except Jemele was not there, and without her the rest of the guests were having a conversation with Captain Lee about his plans after retiring from yachting. Kate has no bones about admitting that she set Kevin up, because Karma, like cock cakes, is better served straight up.
Bummer Jemele missed this because I bet she would’ve loved it! And had Kate not been so intent on revenge – revenge Kevin well-deserved – it could’ve been a fantastic breakfast send-off. Instead it went flaccid, and Kevin went limp with it. I really don’t know why the other guests looked so shocked – they freaking requested this! Were they joking on the preference sheet? Did they forget? Or was it merely that Jemele wasn’t there and without her, really what was the point?
Next week is the season finale of this season of Below Deck I thought would never end. Kevin and Kate have their final falling out as Kevin tries to salvage the cock cake debacle. Rhylee and Ashton try to talk through their differences, and Tanner continues to try and get in Kate’s pants until she turns her Valor skirt in.
TELL US – DID KATE’S PRANK GO TOO FAR? IS BRIAN TOO IMMATURE FOR COURTNEY?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]