If I have to listen to Hannah Berner brag for one more second about all the sex she had with Des Bishop in the Summer House, I’m going to vomit. But that’s right where this week’s episode begins. With Des bragging about going down on Hannah in Kyle Cooke and Amanda Batula‘s bathroom. As if we could’ve scrubbed that particular detail from our collective brains in the last seven days. Even Paige DeSorbo, who is very, very drunk, is bound to remember. She promises not to tell Kyle. But we all know he’s bound to flip his lid come reunion time. And rightfully so.
But let’s try to move on. Because I can’t think about it anymore. The roommates move out of the hot tub and into the house for the night. And there are couples everywhere. While Danielle Olivera and Robert Sieber fight for the last stale peach ring, a drunk Lindsay Hubbard finally gives in and makes up with Stephen Traversie. As in, they’re officially back together. Boyfriend and girlfriend. And immediately Stravy wants to get engaged and have babies. But first, Lindsay allows him to unpack his bags and move back into the house. Small victories for Stravy, I guess.
The next morning is the Saturday before Labor Day. Summer’s end is looming, and the roommates are starting to think about their post-Hamptons plans. Despite taking a total break for filming, Ciara Miller admits she’s actually ready to get back to work. Even after months of working on the front lines of the pandemic, she misses the hospital. In other news, Kyle and Amanda have found a new venue for their wedding; this time in Jersey City of all places. The couple has a new wedding date too: June 21, 2o21. But the constantly shifting dates and delays don’t really matter. Amanda’s the first to say it feels like they’re already married. The wedding day will come when it comes.
Meanwhile, Lindsay pops into Danielle‘s room for a serious chat about the state of their respective relationships. To say Danielle’s taken aback to hear her BFF and Stravy are back together is an understatement. And so quickly too! Hubb House insists all it took was to see Stravy putting in the effort she’s asked for this whole time. But let’s be real. It was just getting the grand romantic gesture she wanted. Danielle still has her reservations, and her feelings about Lindsay and Stravy’s relationship hasn’t changed. On the other hand, she’s taking her own relationship slow and steady. Meaning she and Robert haven’t even slept together yet, despite the fact that he’s been in the house for days. So basically the exact opposite of what Lindsay and Stravy (and Hannah and Des, for that matter) are doing.
Speaking of Des, we’re almost through being subjected to him. Turns out, he’s not even staying for the entire weekend. Instead, he’s headed back to home the following day. And the general consensus among the roommates is that he’s hardly tried to get to know any of them. But that doesn’t stop Hannah from excitedly flaunting her new relationship status to all the girls. But even her bestie Paige throws some shade at how quickly things are moving. Like, she’s already sent Des pictures of the types of engagement rings she likes. Is it normal behavior? No. But like Amanda says, nothing Hannah’s done this summer has been in the universe of normal.
Saturday also happens to be the day of the 146th Kentucky Derby. To celebrate, Carl Radke‘s organized a full-fledged theme party for the house. Complete with everyone getting dressed up in their fanciest hats and horse racing attire, of course. With a $400 pot on the line, each of the roommates chooses a horse at random. And we’re off to the races! As luck would have it, Ciara‘s horse wins, while Amanda and Lindsay come in last and second-to-last place, respectively. As punishment, they’re forced to dress up in inflatable horse costumes and race around the driveway. With Paige and Ciara as their jockeys, the girls take off at a full gallop. Amanda wins, but did she cheat by running? That’s what Lindsay thinks, and Lindsay hates losing.
Hannah and Des barely participate in all the fun though. What with them being too busy making out in the corner the entire day to be involved with the rest of the group. It’s noticeable and more than a little awkward. Even Des has the self-awareness to ask if their gross PDA could be making everyone else uncomfortable. But Hannah couldn’t care less. In fact, something tells me making certain people in the house uncomfortable is exactly what she wants. Strangely, the only person she seems remotely interested in hanging out with is Ciara, who gets an exclusive invite to the couple’s late-night pizza party while everyone else is upstairs partying.
The next morning starts with an uncomfortable FaceTime between Paige and Perry Rahbar. The fashionista’s relationship has been circling the drain at a distance for weeks now, and it’s only getting worse. I mean, Perry literally starts the conversation by crowing, “You don’t care about meeeeeee” in Paige’s face. He’s totally focused on whisking her away to Miami after she gets back from the Hamptons. For six months. But in her confessional, Paige makes it clear she has no intention of heading to Florida. After all, if Perry can’t even come to the Hamptons for a single dinner, why would she follow him to Miami for half a year? It’s all take and no give when it comes to him, it seems. And Paige has had enough.
Lindsay, however, hasn’t had enough of telling everyone how happy she is with Stravy. This time, she corners a shirtless Luke Gulbranson in his room for a TMI-filled chat about their sex life. And spur of the moment engagement plans. And babies. And honestly, Luke’s face through the whole conversation is just hilarious. He fully realizes Lindsay sounds insane, but there’s just no stopping her when she gets going like this. Even when he suggests slowing things down, she forces him to go downstairs and retrieve his ring sizing tool. And also tasks him with passing along the size of her future engagement ring to Stravy. It’s a five, by the way.
Since it’s the last weekend of summer, the gang heads down to the beach for a day of sun and fun. And the topic of gossip in literally every car on the way there is, you guessed it, Hannah and Des. Once they arrive at the beach, the couple once again isolates themselves. And pack on the lovey-dovey PDA. Everyone can see Hannah thinks she’s making Luke jealous. It’s her primary objective, and one she keeps bringing up to all the girls. Even though Luke himself hasn’t said anything about being jealous. Because he’s not.
As he’s leaving, Des basically forces an invitation to the wedding out Kyle. It’s all sorts of awkward, but Kyle smiles through it. And just like that Hannah‘s back on the guest list with Des as her plus one. Once again, Kyle and Amanda lament that their original wedding date is just two weeks away. But the pandemic has helped them reprioritize their big day. So instead, they can just look back on the day they got engaged over Labor Day two seasons ago and be completely content with where things are.
Once Des exits stage left, Hannah basically makes a bee line to Luke for the validation she’s craving. She asks him point blank what he thought of her new boyfriend. And she’s not pleased when he’s less than effusive in his answer. In that Minnesota nice way of his, Luke admits Des isn’t exactly his “cup of tea.” And he wasn’t all that impressed with how little effort the guy made to get to know the group. But of course, that answer’s not good enough for Hannah. Because nothing ever is. It would’ve been World War III if Luke had told her what he really thought: that Des is just a washed-up comedian taking advantage of her success and spotlight. (But is he wrong though?)
Back at the house, Hannah can’t wait to vent to all the girls about how unfairly Luke criticized Des. Of course, her retelling of the story twists and exaggerates what Luke actually said, turning it into an asinine complaint that Des didn’t hang out with the guys enough. And again, her roommates’ reactions are not what Hannah expected. Danielle and Amanda point out that she didn’t really give them much of a chance to get to know Des all weekend. And basically validate all of Luke’s feelings on the subject. Which Hannah naturally takes as a personal attack. She gets insanely defensive and cutting, literally calling their feelings “stupid” in the process and once again turning Kyle into some sort of villainous scapegoat.
Like she has all summer long, Paige is left to play mediator between her bestie and the other girls, trying fruitlessly to rationalize with Hannah that no one’s attacking her. Not everything needs to turn into a big fight. But as usual, Hannah only has two speeds: getting defensive and playing the victim. And this time she does both, complaining that it’s “always something” with this group before storming away. But if it really is “always something,” maybe it’s time to look at the common denominator in all the fights. Just saying… Next week, it’s season finale time!
TELL US – DO YOU AGREE WITH LUKE THAT DES COULD BE USING HANNAH? OR WAS HANNAH USING PDA WITH DES TO TRY TO MAKE LUKE JEALOUS? WHY IS LINDSAY SO QUICK TO SWING FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE OTHER WITH STRAVY? DID HANNAH GET TOO DEFENSIVE WITH THE OTHER GIRLS?
[Photo Credit: Bravo]