Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: STDs On Stormy Seas

Nothing like a little chlamydia scare to add insult to injury, huh? This season of Below Deck Sailing Yacht just has everything. Love triangles! Ships crashing into the dock! Filming during a global pandemic! Sailing! Truly the only thing we’re missing is another Deloris jumping overboard to cap off the season. And hey, there are still two charters left, so there’s still time. But before we jump into the venereal-seeming elephant in the room, we need to talk about the boat. You know, the one that crashed into the dock at the end of last week’s episode?

Yes. So. Parsifal’s stern rather regrettably smashed right into the dock. And Captain Glenn Shephard is mad. No, more than mad. He’s furious. This is by far the most angry we’ve ever seen the laidback Canadian cap on either season. And for good reason. Because realistically, this is one of the worst accidents in Below Deck history. It’s worse than anchors getting tangled up. Or the tender breaking down. Frankly the only thing worse that’s ever happened was the time Ashton Pienaar nearly died. At least with this accident no one was injured.

Except for the boat. Parisfal is definitely looking worse for the wear. Pieces of the boat’s stern (and the dock) are literally floating in the water. Quickly, Captain Glenn and the deck team launch into troubleshooting mode. Because they can’t figure out what exactly caused the boat to stop working. Was it a throttle malfunction? An engine problem? Was it cavitation? That’s a fun new word we all learned this week courtesy of Gary King‘s guide to yachting. (Did you ever think Gary would teach you something? The crew doesn’t even know if the transom door will open. Needless to say, one of the worst days of Captain Glenn’s career has now been caught on camera.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: STDs On Stormy Seas

Hallelujah, the transom door is functioning properly! In fact, it seems most of the damage is cosmetic, rather than structural. So that’s at least one sliver of good news out of a very bad situation. More bad news is that the crew still has to prepare to pick up guests for the next charter. With two hours to spare, Glenn calls in someone to quickly repaint the stern. To hide as much of the damage as possible, he makes the wise call to open the transom for the guests’ arrival. He also use a couple paddleboards to camouflage the new paint job, which is smart thinking. Distract from the mess at all costs!

Of course, Erica Rose (of The Bachelor fame) and her entourage arrive none the wiser and ready for the girls’ trip of their dreams. But it quickly becomes apparent the women brought an entire plane’s worth of baggage with them — both in terms of luggage and drama. Immediately after boarding, Erica asks the interior to unpack all their bags, which leaves poor Alli Dore being regaled by stories from Erica’s mother for 90 minutes while she sorts out all the luggage. But at least that spared her from the sight of Erica’s friend Bianca strutting around the boat in a Trump 2020 bikini. While she’s screaming “Tatas for Trump!” an argument ensues with another guest who doesn’t appreciate the sentiment. And honestly, the entire exchange just brings me back to an election season I’d rather keep in the past.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: STDs On Stormy Seas

The guests then decide it’s time to go sailing. Except slight problem: there’s literally no wind. Well, not literally literally. But certainly not enough to actually go sailing. Still, what the guests want, the guests get. So Captain Glenn hoists the sails and Parsifal putters along at roughly two to three knots. During the slow crawl of a sail, Gary gets a weather forecast predicting sudden storms. And then promptly gets caught gossiping with Colin Macrae about just how high maintenance these women are bound to be. (Think halal, gluten-free desserts and, you know, specifically asking the crew to unpack their dozens of bags.)

When one of the co-primaries calls them out, the guys can only smile and laugh. But when she complains to Daisy Kelliher, the chief stews calls an emergency crew meeting in the laundry. Piled into the tiny room, it’s kind of remarkable how many crew members can fit between the washers and dryers. It’s like the clown car of Parsifal. Naturally, Daisy chiding Gary leads to yet another spat between the two. But maybe just try not to talk about the guests where they can, like, hear you? Just for future reference…

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: STDs On Stormy Seas

Captain Glenn decides to anchor in Necujam to give the boat some protection from the incoming storms. And for dinner, Natasha De Bourg decides serve a three course meal. That’s two courses less than she originally planned when talking through the evening’s menu with them. But the chef figures they’re so drunk, they won’t notice her only delivering three-fifths of what she promised. She also doesn’t try all that hard with the food because, as she puts it, “Trump people eat anything.” To Daisy, this is yet another example of what’s become a recurring theme in the galley. Natasha always over-promises and under-delivers. The predicted storm rolls in just as Glenn calls the insurance agent to report the crash from earlier. Good thing Alli and Dani Soares set up dinner indoors. Because before you know it, there’s rain and lightning, and the boat is definitely rocking.

Thankfully, the guests are appropriately distracted by the Spanish tapas-style shrimp Natasha serves, followed by lightly blackened salmon and cauliflower. (That is, when Erica isn’t too busy accidentally locking herself in the bathroom mid-meal.) However, when dessert is served, everyone takes note that two courses are missing from their five-course dinner. Oops, Natasha’s caught empty-handed. And the guests aren’t afraid to complain that they’re still hungry, either. This leads to her having to throw together some steak and broccoli…after the berry tiramisu. It takes an extra 25 minutes, but hopefully saves the crew’s tip from being affected? Again, Natasha underperforming is risking it for everyone.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap: STDs On Stormy Seas

The guests are in bed by 10 p.m., but the drama is just getting started. First, Alli refuses Gary‘s late-night text to cuddle. Now that she’s learned he had sex with Sydney Zaruba, her whole perspective on their boatmance has changed. Meanwhile, Jean-Luc Cerza Lanaux some, uh, genital irritation. And suddenly he’s worrying via confessional that he has chlamydia. Again! By the next morning, things have only gotten worse for the deckhand. Now he has to break the news to Dani, who’s busy putting her esthetician license to good use by giving the guests massages.

After taking Erica Rose for a quick paddleboard ride in the rain, he finally rips the band-aid off and informs Dani of his, well, discomfort. Naturally, the second stew doesn’t take this information very well. Could he have given her something? She stresses out to Daisy and Natasha, both of whom tell her not to worry until JL gets some sort of diagnosis. It could be anything, right? Meanwhile, the guests are busy fighting over lunch. Bianca, of Trump bikini fame, feels like she’s being picked on and slut-shamed during the trip, and is not going to put up with it. The row provides just enough background noise to push Dani to her breaking point. As the episode ends, she informs Daisy she wants to quit. The crew can do the last charter without her.

TELL US – IS NATASHA’S CHRONIC UNDERDELIVERING HER FATAL FLAW? DO YOU THINK JEAN-LUC REALLY HAS AN STD? WILL DANI ACTUALLY QUIT BEFORE THE SEASON ENDS?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]