Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Recap: Party Bus PTSD

Poor Kevin. That’s all I could think of during this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. That poor driver. Either he’s the luckiest fan in the history of Bravo or the unluckiest fool in all of Utah to be assigned to drive this group of women not once, but twice. And in the exact same sprinter van! The things Kevin has seen. The things Kevin has experienced firsthand. Any RHOSLC fan worth a snowflake would do anything to trade places with Kevin for a day.

However, before we leave Salt Lake for another cast trip, we have some ground to cover to set the stage. And first up, we’re treated to a rare group seen between (some of) the Househusbands. Seth Marks, John Barlow, Duy Nguyen and Justin Rose are off to Mulligans for a guys’ golf day. Sharrieff Shah can’t make it, and, uh, does anyone even know if Robert Cosby, Sr. is currently in Utah? Does Mary Cosby have him locked in a closet somewhere? Because we’ve only seen her step-grandpa-turned-husband a couple of times in passing all season. Some of the men (ahem, looking at you Seth!) clearly love hamming it up for the cameras. And so they propose a bet. They want to send their ‘Wives on a girls’ getaway for Mother’s Day. So they split into teams of two — and whichever pair loses at golf foots the bill for the trip.

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Meanwhile, Heather Gay is treating Jen Shah and her latest terrible wig to a spa day at The Cliff Spa at Snowbird. Because with all the stress of, you know, a federal indictment hanging over her, Jen needs to relax. And yet, all the girls can talk about in the hot tub is the recent drama. Understandably, Jen is confused by Meredith Marks‘ attitude towards her these days. She wants absolutely nothing to do with her, but has defended her at the last two group events from the other women not being good enough friends to her. It certainly is giving off mixed signals. If Meredith truly can’t be Jen’s friend, then why bother sticking up for her at all?

In Jen‘s mind, she’s the easiest scapegoat in the group for Meredith to blame her rage on. But what about Mary? Meredith’s seemingly unwavering allegiance to the pastor is starting to look more and more suspicious. She’s even choosing to support Mary these days over her best friend Lisa Barlow. It’s weird. And now some of the women are starting to wonder if Mary and Meredith’s strange new alliance goes even deeper. Heather brings up the question on everyone’s minds: how did the feds know the women were at Beauty Lab?

Meredith and Mary‘s glaring absence from the scene of Jen‘s near-arrest makes the whole thing even more of an eyebrow-raiser. Particularly considering that Mary bailed on driving with the other ‘Wives to Vail at the very last minute. From where Heather‘s sitting, it looks feasible that Meredith may have known something was about to go down and only decided to tip off Mary.

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Next up, Meredith throws Seth a birthday party. One which Jen is very clearly not invited to. It’s on the rooftop of a Park City hotel, complete with a one-man band and a very committed dancer whom Meredith has stuck ankle-deep in the hot tub. She waltzes into the party wearing the same pink sequined Mugler dress Erika Jayne wore to the RHOBH reunion back in Season 8. (Guess Mer — or her stylist — didn’t know her Housewives history enough to keep that from happening?)

All the other ‘Wives are in attendance, though Mary‘s making a point to ignore Jennie Nguyen. She’d rather give her attention to Meredith‘s dog Teddy anyway. And Seth would rather give his attention to Whitney Rose‘s cleavage. Which the ‘Wife has brought in the form of a cake. Because apparently he has enough of an obsession with her breasts for production to splice together a flashback package of all the times he’s mentioned it on camera? Weird. And kind of skeevy.

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At the party, everything seems just great between Meredith and Lisa. Which bothers Heather to no end, given how the two were at odds at the Wild Rose Beauty relaunch. But wasn’t Heather the one who was urging Lisa at that party not to let Mary come between her and Meredith? Shouldn’t she be happy the two are getting along if she cares so much about their friendship? Pick a lane, Heather! The bash ends with all the ‘Wives serenading the birthday boy with a rendition of “Happy Birthday” before everyone either jumps, or is pulled into, the hot tub. And even though it’s Seth‘s birthday, the guys surprise their wives with the trip to Zion. But Jennie wants to know one thing: Is Jen invited?

Over at the Shah Chalet, that’s the exact same question Jen asks when Coach Shah tells her about the trip. But of course Jen’s invited! I mean, why wouldn’t the other women want her to join them on a trip while she’s awaiting trial? Honestly, it’s a bit hilarious that it’s even up for debate, because Jen knows she’s invited to Zion. In fact, I have it on good authority from a source that the cast trip was originally supposed to be somewhere out of state, but was rearranged to specifically accommodate Jen’s attendance. (As a condition of her bail, she’s legally barred from leaving Utah.)

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Fast forward three days and it’s time to leave for Zion! For reference, the drive to the national park is much shorter than the ten-hour trek to Vail was. It’s just a few hours away. And Jen is thrilled to be attending this time. She’s even put herself in charge of throwing a Cinco de Mayo fiesta during the getaway. And shows up to the designated meeting spot — not Beauty Lab this time — brandishing a pair of maracas out the window. And would you believe it? Like I mentioned, the girls have the very same driver they had on the trip to Vail the day Jen was arrested.

This trip starts out on a much lighter note — though both Mary and Meredith are once again conspicuously absent from the bus. And the arguing kicks off before the ladies have even left Salt Lake County when Jen decides to pick a fight with Lisa over her friendship with Meredith. Honestly, the logic of the fighting is a bit difficult to follow, which is an all-too-common problem when trying to make sense of Jen’s rage. She’s angry at Lisa for…being Meredith’s best friend? And because Meredith hired a private investigator, which she learned from Jennie.

And while Lisa tries to point out that she’s actually supported to Jen to the actual detriment of her friendship with Meredith, it’s still not enough. Because nothing ever is with Jen. Soon, Jen’s so enraged that she’s standing over Lisa and screaming in her face. To the point that a producer gets involved to try to de-escalate the situation. But rather than calming things down, Lisa eventually snaps over Jen’s aggression and the altercation looks like it’s about to turn physical when…the screen cuts to black. To be continued next week!

TELL US – DO YOU THINK MEREDITH TIPPED OFF MARY? HOW CREEPY IS SETH’S PREOCCUPATION WITH WHITNEY’S CLEAVAGE? ARE YOU TEAM JEN OR TEAM LISA? DO YOU THINK THE FIGHT WILL TURN PHYSICAL?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]