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Real Housewives Of Salt Lake City Recap: As Zion’s ‘Wives in Latter Days

The thing about this fight en route to Zion on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is that it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Yes, it’s happening in a van. And yes, poor Kevin the driver is once again chauffeuring the ladies. Seriously, is there something production’s piping into the van through the A/C unit that makes everything go left? Because why is Jen Shah even screaming at Lisa Barlow? I’m having a hard time following. Why is anything Meredith Marks does Lisa’s fault? And why is is this escalating to the point that it turns physical?

Regardless of why they’re screaming at each other, eventually a brave producer has to step in and de-escalate the situation. Mostly by pulling Jen to the other side of the van while Whitney Rose attempts to hold Lisa back. And before you know it, Jen is having a full-blown mental and emotional breakdown. Honestly, it’s kind of what we’ve been waiting for. Some sort of emotional awareness about how bad this situation is that Jen’s gotten herself into. Through tears she pins all her legal woes on Meredith and Mary Cosby. They did something to nail her to the cross with this indictment. It’s the only way! Seeing her crying plays on Lisa’s sympathies, and suddenly she’s the one comforting the friend who was just screaming in her face and getting physical.

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And next thing we know, everyone’s…back to getting along? It’s some sort of bizarro twilight zone that can only happen in the sprinter van. Because suddenly Jen‘s joking about eating hot dogs. However, Jen reaches the conclusion via confessional that she no longer trusts Lisa. And Heather Gay‘s ready to join Meredith and Mary‘s coven to avoid ever taking another van ride to…anywhere with these women. I mean, do you blame her?

The ‘Wives arrive at Zion, and are staying at the Red Rock Villa. Which, contrary to what the description is telling you on screen, is actually located in Rockville, UT. Not “Zion, UT.” They’re welcomed by a sweet note from all the husbands, which is kind of laughable. Only because…do we think Robert Cosby Sr.‘s even aware that Mary left on a girls’ trip? Is he wandering around the house? Or is he in, like, Florida again? But nice of the other guys to include him, I guess.

Jen‘s visibly inebriated at this point, and the ‘Wives gift her with the best room just to, I don’t know, keep her from pulling the smackdown on Lisa again. Meanwhile, Lisa’s filling John Barlow in on the fight with help from Jennie Nguyen. And vows to start being a whole lot meaner if this is what attempting to play the nice, kind peacemaker is getting her.

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The ‘Wives decompress with some time by the pool. But once Mary and Meredith make their grand entrance, the entire vibe changes once again. In fact, Heather goes so far as to lock herself and Whitney in the bathroom to avoid the pair. This trip sure is off to a weird start. Eventually, Heather opens the door and fills Meredith and Mary in on the fight between Lisa and Jen. Meredith sees it as further evidence why she’ll never travel with these women; Mary’s disappointed she missed having a ringside seat.

For their first activity, Whitney‘s planned a special spiritual healing known as a red earth ceremony. However, Mary and Meredith showed up so late that now the entire plan is behind schedule. Meredith doesn’t even have time to change into white like the rest of the women. And Mary’s so in her own world that Whitney decides to leave her behind. Kevin can go back and get her, OK?

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The red earth ceremony is led by Whitney‘s healer. And involves all the women wearing white, carrying gratitude bundles around a labyrinth maze as they think about all the resentments they want to let go of. Like Jennie says in her confessional, this could take a while…But it actually ends up being quite moving, and cleansing, for most of the women. Except Mary. She shows up 34 minutes late and couldn’t be less interested in participating in the drum circle she interrupts. Instead, she stands awkwardly to the side and makes fun of Whitney’s spirituality from the safety of her interview chair. Whitney’s obviously insulted by Mary’s refusal to participate in something so special that she had planned. Particularly given how much she went out of her way last season to support Mary — even attending her church.

Then there’s the fact that Mary went  postal on Whitney for not answering the phone when she was driving carpool earlier this season. It’s such a glaring double standard, LITTLE GIRL. So Whitney has every right to feel offended. But also, what has Mary had a good attitude about this season? She flat out refused to go ice fishing. She sulked and pouted on the raclette night in Vail. She hated going tubing. Unless it’s lunch at one of Salt Lake City’s many Italian restaurants, it seems Mary won’t be happy.

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Back at the villa, the ‘Wives sit down for a gorgeous dinner. Meredith even changes into the all-white shaman look she had planned for the red earth ceremony while Jen dons a tight snakeskin dress that’s somehow more “comfortable”? Whitney starts off the dinner upset. Because due to some of her friends’ tardiness, they weren’t even able to get through the whole ceremony before sundown. She had a whole second, fire-burning ceremony planned for the group. So instead, why not just get everything out at the dinner table?

However, a group discussion about why Meredith and Mary chose not to drive to Zion with the rest of the ‘Wives quickly spirals into World War 3. And most of it boils down to the tension between Jen and Meredith. With several of the other women pulled into the fray here and there. Jennie and Meredith are at each other’s throats over whether the former called Jen a “criminal” in Vail before turning around and inviting her to the pho luncheon. Which naturally sets Jen off (“I’m not a f–king CRIMINAL, JENNIE!”). While she retreats to the bathroom, Lisa and Meredith briefly go another round over Lisa’s friendship with Jen.

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But Whitney‘s more interested to know why everyone’s so anxious to make peace between Meredith and Jen when no one’s trying to the same for her and Mary. Looking specifically at you, Meredith. So now the big question becomes: why is Meredith such good friends with Mary? Particularly when Mary’s been so awful to…pretty much every other woman in the group. But this assertion sets Meredith’s victim complex off again. Because NO ONE has been treated worse than she has by Jen, OK? So stop trying to debate it because Meredith’s trauma trumps everyone else’s.

Meredith‘s not in a mental state for this level of dissension. So she storms away from the dinner and it takes Mary — of course — coming inside to coax her back out to the table. For what’s essentially one final showdown with Jen. And here’s where we get the confrontation we’ve been waiting for. Jen calls Meredith out for hiring a private investigator. Which she only knows about because Jennie told her. Jen gets out of her chair and starts screaming in Meredith’s face about the vagina incident from last season. And Meredith fires back that Jen has no idea how much dirt she knows about her. Chilling. Jen accuses her of having something to do with the federal indictment — as well as having “10 boyfriends.” Oof. Which sends Meredith back into the house screaming, “Who’s calling who a fraud, baby? Bye!” And scene.


[Photo Credit: Bravo]