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Below Deck Sailing Yacht Recap

Jenna MacGillivray Below Deck Sailing Yacht

I didn’t think there ever would come a time when I would take Adam Glick‘s side on anything, but on last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht that moment came. I am permanently imbedded with second-hand embarrassment for Jenna MacGillivray after she begged Adam to have sex with her, then told him he’d end up living alone in a van for rejecting her. Girl… it’s not that he’s not that into you, it’s that he’s actually trying to respect you by not putting it IN you before you’ve even had a first date.

It’s ironic that Jenna is complaining that Madison Stalker is moody and overly-emotional when one minute Jenna seems happy to be hanging out with Adam, and the next she’s throwing a tantrum because he doesn’t want to bang her in Greece’s answer to Motel 6. This should be a compliment!! It’s like the opposite of Tinder hooking up. It’s like ‘I want to get to know you like this is 1886 and we’re in a Jane Austen novel.’ It’s like be happy!!

But first lets discuss the latest disgusting pile of bruh’s to land on Below Deck: the nauti boys from Jersey. It sounds like a 1990’s boy band, and I do believe there were a few frosted tips in the greased hair to complete the image.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht

Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht featured the worst guests in Below Deck recorded history. AW-FUL! It’s like someone let a pack of Joe Giudice‘s illegitimate sons loose and told them whomever consumed the most alcohol wins an all-expense paid trip to The Bunny Ranch (followed by all you can eat french fries).

As if immature guests weren’t bad enough there is Jenna MacGillivray and Adam Glick behaving like teenagers. In the past there have been chefs and chief stews, or chief stews and bosuns together, but never have they been so unrestrained in their non-stop touching during work. Jenna’s crew also feels rejected because mommy has a new boyfriend. Madison Stalker and Georgia Grobler are bothered by Jenna choosing Adam over them (and work), leaving them to their own devices to be molested by guys, taken advantage of, and forced to fend for themselves at too young an age.

Jenna MacGillivray Below Deck Sailing Yacht

On last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht Adam Glick and Jenna MacGillivrays relationship grew muuuuch closer while Paget Berry and Ciara Duggan drifted further apart. Seeing a baby on board must’ve made Paget fear the pressing threat of potential ginger babies all the more!

It’s midway through charter 3 and already the crew is falling apart. They’re at each other’s throats, either because like Adam and Jenna they’re trying to kiss it, or because the constant grind of ironing out whose responsibilities belong to whom is causing tensions. It seems that neither Paget nor Jenna are very effective at squashing these issues, namely becuase they seem distracted by personal situations. And then there is happy-go-lucky (but alone) Captain Glenn Shephard and his trusty first mate/engineer Byron Hissey to inject a much-needed dose of sarcasm into the ebb and flow of back-biting and bitching.

Parker McCown Below Deck Sailing Yacht

Last night’s Below Deck Sailing Yacht was all about coming for the weakest links. Poor little Parker McCown is just trying to be his bubbly self, but he really needs his mommy to hold his hand and tell him he’s OK. Since Mommy McCown’s not available Madison Stalker is filling in to hold Parker’s ego in a gentle embrace.

Yes, we’ve got another one of these Tanner Sterback-type baby boys this season, minus the lechery luckily. Also, instead of getting blackout wasted, Parker just sits in the corner and sulks.

Toga parties are supposed to turn any event into Animal House, but the most exciting thing that happens at this one is that Paget Berry, the first escapee of the Plath Family Cult, argues with Ciara Duggan about cleaning deck furniture. Wooooooow. Riveting. These two are so dull even their arguing isn’t exciting. 

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Captain Glenn Shephard

I must say I am loving Below Deck Sailing Yachtespecially in contrast to the toxic cesspool of poop-smelling goo that was this season’s Below Deck. Sure, Adam Glick may have the flirting game of the SNL skit The Ladies Man, but at least he’s not sexually assaulting people, then blaming sand for existing at the same time he was suffering from drunken hurt feelings.

Also, I adore Captain Glenn Shephard. Only a man living on a 4-foot sailing yacht for the last decade, in a room the size of a can of beans would mispronounce vegan as “vaygan”. I just find him so charming and calm, and without ego. Yay Captain Glenn!

But now we must dive into Jenna MacGillivray‘s failed seduction of Adam. Which culminated in her passing out in a wet bathing suit after a hot tub make-out.

Below Deck Sailing Yacht Jenna MacGillivary Adam Glick

After reserving judgment last week, I’ve decided that I think I like Below Deck Sailing Yacht. It has all the elements of a disaster but set against beautiful scenery and a competent crew.

Take Paget Berry and Ciara Duggan for instance. Together since practically infancy, isolating themselves away on a sailing yacht in a wonky tripod of living with a parental figure who is also a friend and their boss, and cut off from people their age. And in comes the new crew and suddenly Paget overhears Georgia Grobler singing in the laundry (It’s like the Little Mermaid!) and remembers that other women exist. This might come as news to Ciara as well.

Now, Paget has the sex appeal of a boiled potato, and I think it’s mainly his hair which is flaxen-colored flaccidness that belongs on an 8-year-old Norwegian in 1987. Ciara also does flattening things with her hair, and it’s odd to see something so bushy also look so… flat. But we are not here to dismember the intricacies of Pagara’s hair (or are we?) – we are here to pick apart every other thing about their relationship!

Below Deck Sailing Yacht

Welcome to Below Deck Sailing Yacht where there is the same drama, but in even more confined and awkward spaces! Also now accompanied by fun Pirates of the Caribbean music and some very weird super quick, out of focus camera zooms. Well this should be fun. Naut!

We are however switching from Thailand and motor yacht Valor, to Greece and Parsifal III, a motor sailing yacht where for the past 9 months Captain Glenn Shephard has been living in an awkward a-sexual menage a trois with couple Paget Berry and Ciara Duggan, awaiting the start of charter season.

One of the differences between motor yachts (like Valor from regular Below Deck) and sailing yachts seems to be that the captain and a skeleton crew always remain on board to keep the boat in shape, even when they aren’t in season.