Last night the Below Deck disasters got a new drill sergeant to whip them in to shape when Captain Lee surprised them by bringing EJ on board as the brand new bosun. He might be all “cool beans” and chipper smiles, but he’s using those tow lines as a whip faster than Chris Brown can say “Booooooze.”
Something about EJ is a little smarmy and shifty. Also insincere and hollow. Is he a robot? He seems to be relishing his role as savior of the Valor’s honor. He doesn’t have crazy eyes, but overly-intense eyes. He reminds me of Captain Dan from Forrest Gump maybe? This season is just too weird in general; nothing about casting makes much sense.
So, after a night of partying the crew is up and att’em to clean Valor, except for Chris Brown, who can’t be bothered to shove a mop while complaining about how hung over he is. Nico Scholly is pissed, and first thing in the morning while nursing the booze blues is no time to be angry.
Ugh – what can even be said about last night’s Below Deck, except Disco makes more sense? I mean, Kate Chastain is in a cult and gone mad, Chris Brown is absolutely bafflingly sucky, and everyone wants Brianna Adekeye to suck their summin-summin.
With one charter out the door, the crew is in da club and Jen Howell is in the cups. Actually, she’s in the jungle juice and drowning in it. Jen’s messiness is also messing up Kate’s ‘date’ with sexy Aqua Jesus, who truth be told is just OOOOKaaay looking, but Kate has some weird taste in significant others, to say the least! With someone else assuming responsibility for Jen – for once! – Kate and J2.0 depart for his heavenly waters. “What would Jesus do?” Kate says, “Me.” Indeed.
Last night, Below Deck was plagued by more crew issues as one man fell asleep, another fell ill, a stewardess fell into the clutches of Jesus, and a fourth fell into a toilet while wasted. Good times!
Well, where on the yacht is Chris Brown, y’all?! Captain Lee Rosbach sure wants to know! While his fellow-deck hands are busting butt to prepare for charter, Chris Brown is passed out in his bunk after a night of partying too hard. I was hoping we’d see a Captain Lee explosion when he discovered Chris Brown put booze before valor, but unfortunately the first mate fell ill the day before the charter and that superseded any Chris Brown drama. For now.
It’s episode two for the greenest crew Below Deck has ever had. As a result, Nico Scholly, Captain Lee Rosbach, and Kate Chastain are barely clinging on to their wits or the task of keeping Valor afloat.
Kate finally decides to turn things over to God. “Yes, I have a moronic crew,” she declares, “but he gave me easy guests.” With the guests safely ensconced on their beach picnic, she uses the time to complain to Captain Lee that she can’t continue doing all the stewarding single-handled and requests additional crew.
Last night was the premiere of Below Deck season 5 and guess what?! I have thoughts. Oh so many thoughts. And I may still pine for the Season 1 cast. Oh Bravo, where did you, NOT Captain Lee Rosbach, find these people?!
Captain Lee is steering the gorgeous Valor out to St. Martin with a skeleton crew of ne’er do wells, or actually never-had-dones. He blames all the “Hollywood Types and Wall Street pricks” who now own yachts instead of merely chartering them, and therefore there are NO available good crew left and he was stuck with the leftovers. #DoNotBelieve. I blame Bravo casting. Either legit professionals don’t want to appear on a reality show, or Bravo intentionally cast unprepared boneheads for drama.
Luckily, Lee will always have Kate Chastain!
By now we’ve all seen Below Deck‘s Men Eater commercials starring Kate Chastain enough times to expect a season of some serious resting bitch face! So without further ado here is a brief lifesaving recap of last season’s drama – just because it’s good to be prepared on the high seas! Or maybe it doesn’t matter since this season the crew is almost completely new.
The most saddy-sad news of all is that Ben Robinson is not returning. I. Know. Oh boy do I know. So sad. He and his on-boat/off-boat girlfriend Emily Warburton-Adam are instead launching their own cooking show. Needless to say Emily, who started out so promising, and ended up so Anti-Kate, is not returning either!
Happy news, Below Deck fans! The show is back for a fifth season – with an almost all-new crew!
Captain Lee Rosbach is back on board and cruising the Caribbean, along with fan favorites Kate Chastain and Nico Scholly. Joining them is a new gang of deckhands and stews and a new chef, too! The newbies includ: Matthew Burns (chef), Brianna Adekeye (stew), Jennifer Howell (stew), Chris Brown (deckhand), Bruno Duarte (deckhand) and Baker Manning (deckhand).
Kendall and Kylie Jenner need to go back to hanging out with Jaden Smith! The Keeping Up With the Kardashians stars have been spotted recently with convicted woman-beater Chris Brown and d-bag of the decade Justin Bieber.
Well now those new friends are not only making us question where Kris Jenner would draw the line with her youngest kids and their choice of friends, but it is also putting them in danger.
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE REST!