Lizzie and Scott

It turns out that next Friday is the season finale of Love After Lockup, so we have one more week of this wretched awesomeness in our lives. After that, we’ll be forced to mope around until 90 Day Fiancé (all four versions of which have been renewed!!!) comes back to fill our snarky little hearts with K1 Visa love. And even though this debut season of LAL was a mere 7 episodes, it served up enough drama to last us an entire aggravated assault prison sentence (which is approximately 6-18 years, according to our fair felons).

This week, Andrea takes the Crazy Bananas Crown back as she berates her children for questioning her relationship with a convicted felon, who she drags them halfway across the country to meet, then forces/bribes them to call “papa.” Thus, it’s official: Andrea is a garbage person. Side note: All three of Andrea’s children are approximately 4 trillion times more mature, eloquent, and intelligent than their mother.The friends and relatives of the rest of the crew try to warn them about their equally doomed relationships, to absolutely no avail. Because that is mission f**king impossible with this crew. And just when we thought Scott was the most tragic figure of all, Alla steps in this week to bring the seriously sad story of relapse. Even perma-crazy eyed James figures out that all is not well in Alla-Land, which is saying something. Sigh. This show needs a hero! Or Dr. Phil. Until then, we’ll just recap the stankfest.

I said it before and I’ll say it again: The inmates are not the crazy ones on Love After Lockup. Their fiancés are. Although Andrea runs away with the crazy-bananas crown this week, I have a strong suspicion that this dubious honor will rotate equally among the cast mates all season long, which of course makes this show the absolute gold mine it is.

This week, Garrett bought a car with some mystery fund his grandma gave him, blowing Johnna’s chances at the One-Carat-Solitaire-Stone! she’s dreaming of. Johnna had no bitmojis available to address the situation, so she just scrunched up her face and pouted. Trucker Scott attempted to pick up his con woman fiancé Lizzie upon her release date but – oh snap! She was nowhere to be found. #WheresLizzie? More importantly: #WheresScottsMoney? Alla introduced James to her family, and James introduced Alla to his judgy-eyed friend, Chris. We were also briefed on our next couple, Canadian Mary and her incarcerated fiancé Dominic, who only grabbed 7 minutes of camera time – but somehow managed to fill those 7 minutes with some glorious arguments, drug-encrusted jackets, and a denied conjugal visit. But first, we must talk about Andrea and Lamar because, well, we just have to deal with this troubling carwash situation. My god.