I said it before and I’ll say it again: The inmates are not the crazy ones on Love After Lockup. Their fiancés are. Although Andrea runs away with the crazy-bananas crown this week, I have a strong suspicion that this dubious honor will rotate equally among the cast mates all season long, which of course makes this show the absolute gold mine it is.
This week, Garrett bought a car with some mystery fund his grandma gave him, blowing Johnna’s chances at the One-Carat-Solitaire-Stone! she’s dreaming of. Johnna had no bitmojis available to address the situation, so she just scrunched up her face and pouted. Trucker Scott attempted to pick up his con woman fiancé Lizzie upon her release date but – oh snap! She was nowhere to be found. #WheresLizzie? More importantly: #WheresScottsMoney? Alla introduced James to her family, and James introduced Alla to his judgy-eyed friend, Chris. We were also briefed on our next couple, Canadian Mary and her incarcerated fiancé Dominic, who only grabbed 7 minutes of camera time – but somehow managed to fill those 7 minutes with some glorious arguments, drug-encrusted jackets, and a denied conjugal visit. But first, we must talk about Andrea and Lamar because, well, we just have to deal with this troubling carwash situation. My god.
Andrea & Lamar
Andrea and her house slippers have successfully picked up Lamar in the car she’s purchased for him. Lamar is loving life on the outside after spending 18 years in lockup. He’s in awe of the doo-hickies on the dashboard, the new speed limit regulations, and the multiple Presidential administrations that have been instituted since he’s last lived in society. This guy is basically the Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Crips edition. And I am LIVING for it.
Please see: Lamar’s delight over electronic motel room keys and magical flat screen TVs as evidence.
Andrea is so in love with Lamar that she reminds him, “I will kill a b*tch in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen” if anyone tries to take him away. Just like the Bible taught her? Since she needs to wash the freeway prison stank off, she heads to a full-service car wash on their trek home. And we see just how possessive/delusional/erratic/batsh*t she is when the unwitting teenage carwash attendant asks if they’d like “the works?”
Andrea goes FULL Maury Povich on this girl’s ass, barking back, WE’RE ENGAGED!!! like a psych ward lunatic. She thinks this pretty young girl is trying to steal her fresh outta prison felon? Um, no, ma’am. This young woman is just trying to get a $2 tip. And here’s a $3 tip for Andrea: No one wants Lamar but you, crazy lady. NO. ONE.
Still, Andrea – who proclaims to be a woman of God – calls this girl a slut. Then she makes a low rent porno with a shirtless Lamar as they drive through the car wash AS ATTENDANTS SCRUB DOWN THEIR VEHICLE. Yes, this is a free event open to the public, apparently.
*Note to all Utah service staff: This is an APB to stay alert and away from this couple, should they come within fifty feet of you or your establishment! You will be slut shamed and forced to watch them dry hump.
At the motel, Andrea starts in on her big lie – you know, the one where she wants to remain “chaste” due to her Mormon beliefs? Except that she has a 5-year old child and has been in a relationship with Lamar for 6 years, so…do the math. As Lamar closes the newfangled sliding curtains in their room and begins dutifully licking her neck, Andrea coos and protests, No, no, no! She’s concerned that Lamar is going to realize her other big lie – the one where she claimed to know all sorts of crazy sexual tricks. “I’m not a gymnast!” she tells cameras, just now realizing that she dug her own sexual grave.
“I am NOT going to hell with you,” Andrea then tells the man who hasn’t been “with a woman” (he clarifies the “woman” part several times, by the way) on repeat. But we and the camera crew have indeed gone to hell because we are being forced to literally witness this nightmare from two feet away!!! Andrea giggles that they can have “lots of fun” without technically having intercourse. OMG. Bring back the shower sex! At least we didn’t have to SEE it! #SomebobyHoldMe
Scott & Lizzie
It’s the day of Lizzie’s release – or is it? No one is quite sure, because when Scott and his long-suffering adult son arrive (5 hours later) at Lizzie’s prison, the guard informs him that he doesn’t have any paperwork on Lizzie’s release. Scott is sent away without so much as an explanation or prison t*tty pic to comfort him.
“Am I being conned? Am I her biggest trick of all?” wonders Scott as he drives home, defeated. Oh man. You know, despite this grizzled guy’s thumbnail being within half a degree of gangrene setting in, I have a soft spot for him. And I sort of want to save his delusional ass as he pulls over and nearly gives himself a stroke on the side of the road, then pukes/dry heaves a bit before wandering through an abandoned orchard, gray hair flapping in the wind. This tragedy has become Shakespearean, yo! And suddenly I am in an extremely codependent, disturbing relationship with Scott’s story right now. (Please send help.)
Scott is obviously being conned by Lizzie, who calls later to assure him he’s not. She reminds him that he’s got her birth certificate, social security number, and all of her clothes that he purchased in his home – so why would she leave him? Um, because that crap doesn’t matter when you’re a grifter who likely has seven fake IDs stowed up one’s personal cracks and crannies as any given time? Scott takes the bait and calms down, lying to himself that there must have been some sort of mix up. He’s still convinced Lizzie is the real deal. Oh, Scott. Oh, Scott’s son. Oh, the humanity!
James & Alla
Now that Alla has found her stash moved back into her apartment, she’s feeling footloose and fancy free. So it’s time to introduce James to her parents. As they dine in Alla’s family home, which can only be described as the TJ Maxx awesomeness of every Polish relative I have (love you, fam! no shade!), Alla’s father serves warm wine and grills James on his intentions. Question: Why is Alla’s family serving her alcohol? Is she not on probation for drug use/dealing? (Legal sleuths out there – get on this!)
James holds up well under pressure, but Alla doesn’t fare so well when he introduces his friend Chris to her later – who is way too interested in stories of prison shower sex. (Maybe he should go hang with Johnna and Garret?) Alla is put under the microscope, as all potential felon-fiancés must be, and admits that the way she met James was out of the ordinary. But oh well!
It’s worth noting that Alla’s lack of reaction to this grilling sesh might have a little something to do with her state of mind – which again, seems…let’s say…impaired. This, combined with her strangely sluggish interview segments, plus the way she can barely maneuver a cigarette to her lips outside of the restaurant later spells only one thing: TROUBLE. I don’t see good things in store for this girl.
But James doesn’t seem to see these red flags or – like most of our hapless crew – doesn’t want to, as we witness his glee when ring shopping with Alla later on. He’s smitten. So I’m sure introducing his ex-con fiancé to his Chicago cop father will go over about as well as a Crip in Utah.
Johnna & Garrett
Personal dignity be damned, these two are my favorite! Not that I see a happily ever after for them, mind you. Maybe just because there aren’t kids or drugs involved (yet) and I can happily snark at their ridiculousness with abandon. Who knows? In any case, the introduction of Johnna’s surly father, who basically calls his daughter a trainwreck without a clue (TO HER FACE), is the cherry on top.
Johnna’s dad, Tony, meets his daughter and Garrett in a park to tell them 1) they’re delusional, 2) they need an actual plan for adulting, and 3) they are a disaster waiting to happen. Basically, he wants no part of this clusterf**k. Quote of the night goes to Daddy Johnna for his reaction to his daughter complaining that he thinks she was Garrett’s “only option” in prison. “Well, you were,” he retorts. Slow clap, sir. Two snaps in a circle to you.
This week also finds Garrett asserting his independence as he purchases a new (used) car with $5k from his grandma and financing the rest. On what credit, we have no idea. Plus – where is grandma? And why is she not the person Garrett is living with? She can be his new warden! Bonus: Grandma surely doesn’t know how to track jack squat on an iPhone.
When Garrett pulls up to the house in his sweet new gray Nissan, Johnna’s hairline twitches imperceptibly as she peeks through the blinds. But she saves her epic meltdown for the driveway, where she stomps her foot and rails on and on about Garrett buying something “THIS BIG!” without getting her a ring first! Whahhhh!! But Garrett can’t escape in the middle of the night on a ring, so in his mind, this was the wiser purchase.
Garrett also doesn’t give two f**ks what Johnna thinks – this man needs a getaway vehicle. He just laughs as he takes her out for a test drive, all the while listening to Johnna whine and contort her face into a sour-patch version of a shrinky dink (seriously, what is going on with this chick’s expression here?!? It hurts to look at!!). The ring will have to wait, and so will Johnna.
Mary & Dominic
Okay, here’s the situation with these newcomers: They are the only couple on the show who were actually together before prison intervened. So, are we hopeful? No, we are not! At least not yet. Because Mary seems to be in denial about the reality of their situation, which is this: They were only dating six weeks before Dominic was arrested for a bar fight that landed him in prison for 6 years. SIX YEARS? Okay, he stabbed someone. For sure. (Let’s look into this, people. Meet back here next week.)
In the time Dominic has been away, Mary has changed her face several times and worked on her real estate license. When Mary meets her brother and friend out for drinks to discuss Dom’s imminent release, they tell her flat out that she’s living on another planet. There’s no way Dom’s going to walk out of that prison ready to settle down, work hard, and start a life with his prison wifey. Mary doesn’t give two sh*ts what they think! She’s just excited about the conjugal visit she’s finally getting with Dominic soon.
Mary should heed the warning signs though, because when you’re being schooled by people who look like this? Well, you’ve got to reassess your life.
When Mary shows up at Dominic’s prison ready for her pre-conjugal strip search, she’s in for a big disappointment. Although she claims she doesn’t do drugs, apparently her jean jacket did not get the memo. Because that sh*t was sniffed out and sent packing! Mary tells us, “They said there were drugs on my jacket.” Um, ON her jacket? So, like, encrusted there from decades of unwashed drug-den dwelling? WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE!?!?!?
In any case, Mary must drive home in her drug jacket alone, in tears, and un-sexytimed. She cries that she drove four hours just to be with Dominic for a romantic weekend just to be sent home again! I guess we’ll have to see if their prison trailer of conjugal dreams will be offered again, or if the magic will happen in the car upon his release – where most of this crew seems to prefer their action.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Love After Lockup & more!) – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE NEW COUPLE? IS LIZZIE SCAMMING SCOTT? ARE YOU ROOTING FOR ANYONE? WHO’S THE BIGGEST TRAINWRECK?
Photo Credit: WeTV