Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

After a rather drama-free season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, it’s not surprising that the secrets revealed last night were less than exciting – and had mostly to do with teenagers behaving badly and the mothers who worry about them.

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave‘s husband Edwin is giving Mauricio a run for his money in the real estate game! Either that or Edwin’s been watching Million Dollar Listing for some advice on how to win a bidding war on multi-million dollar homes, because after stalking the builders of his neighbor’s house, he badgered, harassed, and harangued them into taking $2 million less for the property just to get rid of him. They need security for the security guy!

Teddi is thrilled with the new home – at a discount price. Not so successful was Edwin’s buying a new Lambo with the money he saved. Teddi does not like things that go fast unless they’re one night stands which lead to the altar. Or cardio classes. And horsepower belongs on four-legged friends with mane and tail.

Um, I wouldn’t pay $2.99 to fulfill my husband’s midlife crisis, let alone $299,000. Edwin is a lucky guy!

Last night was part 3 of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion. Which means this season of interminable squabbles about protocol and etiquette at the queen’s court of public opinion, an unintentional farce from the court jester, is over. Thank you Dorit Kemsley for your tragicomic contributions to Reality TV – we salute you with a beer stein filled with cheap champagne.

So last night the ladies of Beverly Hills trotted out their plethora of headache-inducing shiny dresses for the last time to bicker over such impotent social slights as who talks about themselves the most (the answer: always and forever Kyle Richards) and the definition of a liar. For the record, I really dislike recapping reunions. It’s like following a verbal tennis game and I always want to activate closed captioning on my TV to catch all the shady little barbs, except I don’t actually know how to turn that on. Maybe that’s a good thing?

Is there a reason the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion is three parts? A good portion of last night was more footage of the ladies doing lunch, albeit backstage where they continued talking about each other’s low-level dramas.

As much as I enjoy watching Lisa Vanderpump sitting around in her bathroom eating salad while counseling Dorit Kemsley through perceived slights against Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, it’s evident that this was filler so Bravo could bilk another episode out of the rather lackluster reunion. I’m in the minority, apparently, in not minding that the drama was mostly surface and petty – it’s a nice breather from such heavy seasons about substance abuse and serious family dysfunction (I mean I love that too), but I certainly think they could’ve gotten away with a two-part reunion. 

I have so many thoughts on last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills reunion, but the thing I am most excited to discuss – the thing I’ve been waiting to talk about ALL WEEK – is Lisa Rinna‘s hair. It sort of looked like a mop head, no? But it was extreme soap opera and combined with the dress Lipsa obviously decided to bring what she lacked all season, pulling ‘SASSY LISA RINNA’ out of her duster pocket and lettin’er rip. So f–k you, Jeremy! And shut up Lisa Vanderpump.

These girls were quite petty last night, were they not? Like Erika Girardi seriously trying to shade John Mellencamp over a joke made by Andy Cohen that they should collaborate. She’s just bitter that her music will never actually be considered music. (She’s a peeeerrrrrrfffffoooormer). Why can’t Erika ever take a joke?! Insecure much. 

Kyle Richards doesn’t care! It’s not her party and she’ll throw tantrums if she wants to, start fights if she wants to, Dorit Kemsley – you would too if happened to you. So that’s pretty much how the season finale of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills went!

All-in-all it was a pretty lackluster season (Lisa Rinna we need you! Like your first and second season you, but I understand you’re scarred after Revenge of the Blue Bunny). When the major drama centers around Dorit’s early on-set dementia (why does this woman never remember anything accurately or at all?!) and hissy fits over etiquette she doesn’t have, or Kyle feeling unsupported, you knew it was gonna end on a fussy note. Which is fine – any time I get to see Kyle act a fool, I kind of relish it.

Reporting from Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills there’s really nothing to report here people! The women survived Berlin, no pandas were injured as a result of this filming, they returned to LA: gyrated, cried over houses and bikinis and puppies, then left us to go hide until the finale. You know – it was that calm before the storm finale episode and it made my heart sad because that means the end is near for this season of RHOBH. Also this trip to Berlin was brought to us by Aperol Spritz, which I am now going to be drinking liberally because it apparently erases cellulite, droopy brows, bad manners, and the need to cause drama over nothing!

Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave are sitting in a the lobby of Berlin’s finest luxury hotel just waiting, and waiting, and waiting for the appearance of their idol, pop star Erika Jayne. Teddi jitters her knee and double-checks that her autograph book is by her side; Kyle, anxious she’s not cool enough, hikes up her over-the-knee boots a little higher and decides she better paint her nails. I’m impressed with her on-the-fly mani skills though!