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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills - Teddi & Dorit

I started this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills planning to keep an open mind, but the plotting is just so sloppy and transparent. And not the plotting Lisa Vanderpump is doing!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave has, by now, told about 15 renditions of her involvement/non-involvement in DogGate. In each version, she becomes increasingly naive and played for a fool. Also each time one of her versions doesn’t coincide with the revision, the other women conveniently brush it aside and double-down on the narrative that Teddi is the victim. Or Dorit Kemsley is. Really?

For instance tonight Teddi told her therapist she never spoke directly to Lisa about Doggate (Why are we still talking about this?!), then told Dorit and the other women that she was on a three-way call with Lisa and John Sessa which proves LVP is directly involved. Isn’t the  whole point of Teddi’s argument that LVP isn’t owning her part and wants to frame Teddi? Well, it sounds like Teddi is doing the same exact thing!

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave On Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Tonight the axis of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills officially shifts when Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave, a turtle of accountability, cements her very misplaced alliance with the rest of the cast against Lisa Vanderpump. All this over Dorit Kemsley (who has a deflated bank account to go with her droopy ethics and very drooping bikini tops) mistreating a dog and a friend.

I mean, when you (Teddi) are basing your rejection of a friendship based on said friend’s (LVP) possible collaboration in exposing a really shitty, contract violating, grifting, lying animal mistreating, a-hole, you probably need to reexamine your priorities in life and your version of morality. Just my opinion! But there goes Teddi throwing accountability to the wolves of Erika Girardi, Lisa Rinna, and Dorit. Girl… have fun with that til they turn back on you. 

Lisa Vanderpump, Kyle Richards, Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills the dissecting of doggate and what LISA VANDERPUMP knows continued in full-force. I am just so over this storyline and this same old nonsense. Already I am Loosy Loosey Losty Attention for Lucy Lucy Apple Juice!

In other news Kyle Richards, the eight circle of hell, dropped another daughter off at college. Also Denise Richards decided to get married to Aaron Phypers approximately 10 minutes after his divorce from Nicollette Sheridan was finalized. Why is she not on this show?

Dorit Kemsley - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

No one on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills ever learns. Most of the cast never learns that it is simply not possible to take down Lisa Vanderpump. Sorry, I know your hopes are dashed harder than a broken botox needle, but this is the truth you must accept. You are all middle-aged, even if you’ve had six facelifts, and Lisa is not going to be toppled over defending Dorit Kemsley.

Likewise, Lisa Vanderpump never learns. She never learns that she can simply admit that yeah, she was trying to manipulate, and so what? After Lisa rendered them all impotent of storyline, she could toss a baggie of Viagra on the table, and saunter away; the ruffles on Lisa’s shiny satin blouse shaking as she tried to suppress her chuckles. After 7 seasons of the ‘Take Down LVP agenda’ she remains harder to conquer than the Viet Kong, even though the one tactic LVP has never tried is a strategic fake-out. 

Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Tonight drama in the Bahamas continues for the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills as they fight over whom is dogging whom!

Dorit Kemsley struggles to make sense of her issues with Lisa Vanderpump, and finds an unlikely friendship with Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave in the fallout over Lucy. Dorit also finds comfort in Lisa Rinna and Denise Richards

Lisa vanderpump - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Whew – I haven’t been this mad about an episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills in a long time! I had to press pause several times during last night’s episode to yell. My poor husband!

As a longtime professional (haha!) Housewife-ologist, I am by this point almost impassive to the antics and goings-on, and rarely become emotionally engaged. I should also mention that while I am a fan of Lisa Vanderpump and I enjoy watching her, I am not an LVP-stan. She has often annoyed me with her inability to admit she’s wrong. And it’s been obvious many times over that she loves producing narratives behind the scenes in a way that makes this particular franchise inauthentic and hard to follow since viewers are kept apart from so much of what actually caused the drama. 

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Leave it to the Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills to behave atrociously, abysmally, terribly badly on a five-star vacation to a sensational locale! After all, this is how the rich roll. At least according to Bravo.

Lisa VanderCantGetOverAnything continues nipping at Dorit Kemsley for her dodgy, ditching doggy adoption. Erika Girardi decides she doesn’t want any grande dames (other than herself) ruining her vacations. Also, it’s apparently her duty to be Dorit’s guard dog. 

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was a filler episode of wealthy women doing what Bravo wants us to believe wealthy women do: shopping and pastry decorating in between filming PSAs about parental abandonment (aka empty nesting) and eating disorders coinciding with the launch of your Instagram modeling career.

Things begin with Kyle Richards driving Lisa Vanderpump to Dr. Ourian‘s office. Dr. Ourian is the plastic surgeon to Kardashians and also Brielle Biermann’s lips, so you know… do what you will with that. Then book an appointment with Paul Nassif immediately afterward.

Anyway, Lisa takes a hit of laughing gas, which according to her “is like drinking a whole bottle of wine without the hangover” and gets her neck tightened. Kyle videos the whole procedure, and LVP explains that laughing with Kyle is necessary for her as she deals with the loss of her brother.