Last week was a sad, sad week indeed. One of my favorite drama-seeking, delusional, Jimblob hugging, goofballs with a heart of gold and brain of hairspray decided to flee the coop and leave Real Housewives of Orange County!
Oh Alexis Bellino… why? Why you do this to me? Who will be the burst of ridiculous in a sea of bitches who take themselves way, way too seriously? I blame Gretchen Hiss-tine Bootay for this! To commemorate one of my favorite delusional blondes with boobs as big as the Hollywood Hills I now present, Jesus Barbie: A Retrospective. Let’s recap some of Alexis’ greatest moments, shall we?
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Alexis first joined the cast in season five, where were introduced to The Bellinos, they seemed affluent, flashy, and well – all about the OC lifestyle. They were also hardcore bible bumpers who let their stroller (bearing twins!) roll into the pool whilst they were taking shots. Good thing Alexis' DDD implants are so buoyant! LifesavingByBravo!
Unfortunately for poor Alexis, her assets – well at least her physical ones, quickly made her a lot of enemies. And a lot of people questioning WWJD concerning boob jobs? According to Alexis, if a boob job made Jesus feel better about himself, he would get one. So it's totally, like, fine! Above all Jesus wants all people to be happy – fake boobs, fake nose, lipo and all! Aaamen to that!
The ladies also quickly zeroed in on Jim Bellino's controlling nature! Jesus Barbie likes it. He's her king, next to Jesus of course, and their marriage works – both for the bible and the OC. And she likes it so much she attacked another woman at Gretchen's Tupperware party over her man!
Alexis also got on Vicki Gunvalson's bad side when she called her rude and offensive during a girls trip to San Francisco – and then proving Jim doesn't let her out much she spit her very pricey dinner into her napkin! Manners, what's that?! Alexis only consumes Kraft Mac n Cheese!
Having sex with Jim – blech!
In Season 6, Alexis was back with a new storyline – Alexis Couture! Which means, like, rich. And after a disastrous vacation where her husband vowed he would quit the show, Alexis was now facing all the ladies' events alone. Which of course led to a sobbing meltdown at Gretchen's dinner party because Jimblob had stayed home. Jimblob no likey being called out for being phony rich – and he no likey Bravo cameras!
In the off season, Alexis Couture had some upsetting news – it seems her house had been foreclosed on – or sold in a short-sale. Whatever. Alexis also revealed she had bulimia on a girls' trip to Texas when she dumped BBQ sauce all over Peggy Tanous' chocolate cake.
Alexis brought Peggy onto the show and apparently she could take her out! When news spread like wildfire that Peggy once had a a little tet-a-tet with Jimblob – pre chimplant – and never told Alexis at Jim's behest, he began spreading rumors that Peggy stalked him! Um… why do I find that impossible to believe? Apparently friends that foreclose together, don't always stay together. It's not always the bankruptcy that binds – sometimes Lamborghinis can tear a friendship apart!
Best Friends Forever! Or at least until someone better comes along!
Oh, Alexis – why you so silly. It was back in those days that Alexis and Gretchen were the besties of friends. I mean, Alexis didn't even rat her out when she was allegedly cheating on her dying fiance! Now that's a true friendship.
All that would change in season 7, when Tamra Barney – longtime Alexis nemesis swooped in to claim Gretchen for her own. Poor Alexis was left out in the cold, surgically altered nips blazing, as everyone decided they didn't like her fake, one-upping self.
Alexis also took on yet another job – newscastering. Which didn't sit well with her king who just wanted her to stay at home, keep her cameltoe off the news, and hard boil some eggs for him. It didn't sit well with Gretchy Poo either – she claimed Lex, like stole her job. I guess National Booty Awareness Month is, like, kinda a big deal…
You only hate me because I dress better 80's than you do.
And poor Alexis, she just wanted a nose job to look good on TV, but for some odd reason that became the number one reason she was fake. Not her DDDDDDDs? At Tamra's annual Bunco party, Alexis got into it with Tamra over whether or not she had a reason to whittle down her honker. And then the dramas over surgery came… anesthesia is scarwy. Even more scarier – what if my nose, like, looks, like, worser?
Alexis also didn't hit it off with new Housewife Heather Dubrow! Apparently really, really rich Heather didn't like play-acting rich Alexis. Or her phony ways. So she made it her mission to help Alexis see the light with dramavention in Costa Rica. Everyone piled on Alexis and accused her of being as phony as Spam – with about as much dollar value.
And Alexis revealed that her king must have hawked her zillion carat engagement ring to purchase a trampoline park so she could bounce her boobies. Because she wears a fake ring everywhere she goes. This was just another dye job to add to the layers of peroxide blonde until all the hair fell out on Alexis.
After a season where she believed she was bullied relentlessly and labeled "Jesus Jugs" by her co-star, Tamra (for which she decided to take legal action against), Alexis announced she was pulling the plug on her days as a Housewife and focusing her energies on her true passion – puppies and princesses.
Yay! Botox. I look purdy for Jesus – and Jim!
Alexis will just have to do her plastic surgery off camera from now on.
Well, Jesus Barbie – I will miss you and your like, rich, ways in season 8 and I cannot imagine anyone will be able to replace you! Keep smiling, knowing even if Tamra hates you, Jesus doesn't. And, of course, I'll always be "Team Alexis."
A video of Alexis Couture walking the runway is below! Viva la fashion.
TELL US – WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE JESUS BARBIE MOMENTS?