Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, things took a turn for the dour. Lets just say there were a lot of tears and too few drunken antics, but sometimes a little Housewives Xanax is needed after all the insanity!
Things begin with Joanna Krupa getting her charity on and thankfully she's not exposing her pubes to raise awareness this time. This time, she's competing in a charity volleyball game. Joanna + bikini = $$. Karent Sierra and Lisa Hochstein are cheering her on – and curiously absent is Romain Zago.
A somber Joanna fills them in on the grim reality post boobnight bitchslap. Although Romain and Joanna are still technically living together they barely speak and he works overtime to avoid her.
Joanna takes to the court and is surprisingly good. For some odd reason I was expecting it to be a gobsmackingly appalling performance. And after the match Romain arrives to show his better late than never version of support. They decide to go have a chat because I mean who doesn't want to have a personal and heartfelt conversation about their relationship in public, at a sporting event?
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Romain basically reads Joanna the riot act. She's embarrassing, her behavior is out of control, and she is losing him because of her drinking and her temper. Romain is pissed because he was trying to help her at the boobnight blowout and she shoved him away and repeatedly tried to get in fights. She says she doesn't need him to help her. Joanna is missing the point – she should WANT Romain there, even if she doesn't need him. That's called respect and trust.
Eventually Romain tells her she has a problem with alcohol, meaning she just can't handle more than a drink or two and she needs to stop drinking or else. Joanna, shockingly, admits she does have a problem and she's going to prioritize her relationship with Romain. And good for her. I hope her actions speak as clearly as her words.
Moving on to another relationship in turmoil, Ana Quincoces and her ex-husband Robert are officially breaking up. And they are cementing this final end to their relationship by dismantling their shared legal practice. Good, cause that office looks kinda janky. Ana is bawling as she packs up her stuff and frets about change. Robert seems bemused. Ana says Robert needs her and she can't believe after all this time they're parting.
You know, I like Ana – she's very sweet, but she is SO not over her ex. And it's palpably obvious she does not want their relationship to end. Robert decides they should celebrate this final closing (haha for a lawyer joke) with a shot. Ana raises the bottle to her puffy, tear streaked, mottled face and almost vomits; firstly over Robert's spittle on the rim of the bottle and then over the fact that it tastes like "Raccoon piss."
And from depressing to more depressing, Lisa and Karent are officially Housewives BFF. When did this happen? Anyway, Lisa pays Karent a visit to discuss fertility. Lisa accurately points out that it's impossible to talk to most of the ladies because they make every conversation about themselves, apparently Karent isn't like that because no matter what you say to her she just nods and smiles. Lisa takes that for "active listening."
Lisa shows up and they sprawl awkwardly and inaunthentically on the most uncomfortable, stiff-looking sofas ever. None of the Housewives houses ever seem comfortable – it's like this weird franchise phenomena that they all live in show houses, with rented looking, ugly furniture. It's so bizarre.
Lisa starts to cry as she explains she is desperate to be a mother but conception issues coupled with three miscarriages are leaving her feeling defeated. Doctors don't know what's wrong. I have to say, Karent was really nice here. She asked Lisa heartfelt questions and was both supportive and empathetic. Apparently Karent too quests to be a mom, but chose a career first and now worries she'll never settle down in time for children. They hug and I do feel terrible for Lisa. I really, really hope she can become a mom.
And in seriously the most depressing Housewives episode I've seen in eons, over at Lea Black's house she is in the middle of giving her son a nutritious snack of Pringles and milk when she receives some bad news from her vet that their dog Leroy is not going to make it. Lea literally tears out of the house and races to the vets office.
After learning that Leroy has passes Lea asks Frida, the nanny/housekeeper/second child to help host a ceremony to celebrate Leroy's life. Lea should have hired Phunerals by Phaedra to do Leroy's ceremony. I mean, no doves? No mahogany casket? No horse drawn carriage? No marching band? Lame.
At the funeral, Adriana de Moura shows up wearing I don't know what – another silly hat – and they all say kind words and reminisce about his life and personality. RIP Leroy.
Over at Karent's house, she talks to her parrots and tells us they stave her Rodolfo-induced loneliness away. Then she lectures her mom on eating ice cream. And then she receives a phone call from Alexia Echevarria. Apparently it's an olive branch. Well, I mean sort of – it's more of the poisoned branch variety.
Alexia has decided the group has gotten out of control and in order to mend fences she wants to invite everyone over for dinner and discussion. Karent does not smile at this invitation. In fact she warily reminds Alexia that she's you know been a giant bitch to her and even though Karent like really, really likes to take photos of celebrities and pretend to be their friends she's not a total psycho stalker. We hope. Alexia, shockingly, agrees she's been rude and hopes Karent will see she is sincere.
And with that, Karent and her extra T (which someone on twitter explained stands for Teeth) decide to walk into the lion's den with only a parrot and a smile.
At Alexia's, Karent has brought not only her teeth and her boobs (out on full display like we need any reminders of Lisa's party!), but wine. The other ladies are already there, well – except for Joanna.
Marysol Patton and Adriana forgot to retract their claws before entering and they cluster in the corner making mean girl snipes and giggling. To say it's awkward would be an understatement. To say Lea is just twittering with anticipation of all the drama, would also be an understatement. To say I'm starting to feel bad for Karent event thought she'st a completet famewhort is an understantementt.
And then Marta (huh?) arrives, followed by Joanna. Oh Joanna. Joanna does not scuttle in, fear showing in her eyes like Karent. Oh no, Joanna waltzes in, eyes blazing, knowing she can take these bitches. Oh, Joanna.
Immediately, Adriana starts complaining loudly about Joanna from where Joanna can hear and Marysol is egging her on. I can see Adriana is really dedicated to work things out, isn't she?Anyone else surprised by Marysol? Maybe without Mama Elsa there to be the voice of reason she turns into a jr. high mean girl. Also, why was she wearing a doily? She was disappointing me all over the place last night.
Alexia ushers everyone to the table and instructs the waiter to keep the wine flowing and Marysol launches into Karent about that article she did in which she called them all brainless famewhores. Marysol insists that puts her professional reputation at risk. Karent tries to defend herself and explain that the lady didn't introduce herself as a journalist, etc but no one will let her talk.
And I sort of see both points. On Team Anti-Extra T's side for Karent to say she didn't know the woman was a journalist and she was misquoted, it implies she was basically talking shit about the show and the other ladies randomly and socially, when basically she is the biggest famewhore (ok on a short list) of them all.
On Karent's side, I see that it was a harmless conversation from her perspective, she could have been joking and she had no idea the woman was planning to print this information in the newspaper.
Anyway, they're all yelling at Karent and she's not allowed to get a word in edgewise. At least her hair looks pretty. Ana jumps in to insist every, single RHOM problem reverts back to Karent. Which may or may not be true, I'm not a scholar in the ways of RHOM.
So Karent just sits there and does what she does best, straps on her vacant smile and smiles away. Which makes everyone furious. I'm so confused: first Karent isn't allowed to talk and then she's annoying cause she's not talking? Girl – just go home, eat your mom's ice cream, and talk to your parrots.
At this point the ever peacekeeping Lisa tries to plead with everyone to be nice and Lea hops up to basically tell them to get over themselves. Unfortunately out of nowhere Joanna and Adriana decide it's time for everything to be about them again. It's been a full five minutes where they weren't center of attention, you know.
So they start shrieking about slapping and punching and lingerie parties and nonsense. And poor Marysol is about to get slapped by flying arms as she's stuck in the middle of these two hooligans. Joanna insists she did not hit Adriana first, but she would punch her now! Adriana insists she has permanent scars from where Joanna scratched her. Joanna screams that she has an infection, so hopefully Adriana won't get rabies.
Rabies… I think this is a new one for Housewives. Although foaming at the mouth and claws is old news. Back and forth, back and forth. Finally Joanna admits she was drunk and really doesn't even remember what happened so if she did in fact smack Adriana, she's sorry. Adriana concedes that she's sorry too. They reach across Marysol and her doily dress and they shake hands.
A collective gasp escapes the onlookers. Lisa stands up and claps. Really, she did as if this was the most moving and amazing thing she's ever seen. Oh, Fembot – she's just too cute and too goofy.
And then Joanna rescinds the apology, kinda. And then Adriana announces she has to get out of here because the energy is too bad or something. And it was a short-lived truce. Perhaps the shortest truce in recorded Housewives history. But a truce nonetheless. Like Lisa said, they're just too similar.
And once againt, Karent is just only yesterdayst' newst.
And on Thursday comes a dinner party from hell that looks like it might put RHOBH's to shame.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DO YOU THINK KARENT DESERVES ALL THE HATRED SHE'S GETTING? WILL JOANNA QUIT DRINKING? WILL ADRIANA AND JOANNA EVER SEE EYE-TO-EYE?