It's Prom Night on Dancing with the Stars, which means big hair, cheesy back stories, and Sean Lowe dressed as Huckleberry Finn. Oh boy. This is going to be a very long two hours. Host Tom Bergeron says, "This is no April Fool's joke – it's really prom night," and waste of space Brooke Burke-Charvet adds, "And yes, I really wore my hair like this."
Nobody cares, Brooke.
To go along with the theme, a prom king and prom queen will be crowned on tonight's results show. The winning male star and female star, which will be decided by Twitter, will each receive two bonus points to add to their original scores. I fully expect Zendaya and Sean to take those honors. We shall see.
Aly Raisman and Mark Ballas
Viennese Waltz: The combination of counting music and pretending to be hot for Mark Ballas proves to be too much for Aly to handle this week. She thinks all of the pressure is going to make her head explode.
Well, at least she'd be somewhat interesting, then. While Aly and Mark's dance seems to be technically okay, Aly's movements always come across as cold and forced to me.
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Judges: Len starts, "Up to now, I have been really impressed by your dancing, tonight not so much – April Fool's!" Hilarious. And here I thought Brooke's 80s hair was going to be the only April Fool's joke. Bruno thinks Aly nailed the hot for Ballas role, adding, "Cupid's arrow hit the spot!" Carrie Ann says that Aly needs to work on staying in character, though Len and Bruno thinks she's being too nitpicky.
Andy Dick and Sharna Burgess
Cha Cha Cha: Andy is so incredibly tense, he's physically hurting Sharna's hand when they're in hold. Andy suffers from another emotional break down this week after Sharna implores him to stop over thinking and stressing about every move. Andy yells, "I have to think or I'm going to rip your head off. Accidentally." For the first time, I sense tension between the two, and Sharna asks Andy to please not yell at her. It's a Weird Science flashback on the dance floor. Andy's dancing leaves a lot to be desired, but he's extremely entertaining.
Judges: Bruno loves the Revenge of the Nerds performance. "The only way to win is to try," says Carrie Ann. "You try with your full heart and soul." Len tells Andy, "You're like a sneeze – you know it's coming, but there isn't anything you can do about it." Len goes on the tells Andy that watching him dance makes him feel better, adding, "Any connection to the Cha Cha, however, was a coincidence."
Ingo Rademacher and Kym Johnson
Paso Doble: Ingo oohs and aahs his way through rehearsal – at the ripe old age of 42 – and I fear that the powers that be have already deemed Kym useless this season. Le sigh. Ingo rides onto the dance floor on a motorcycle with a mirror ball trophy on his head and it still falls flat. I enjoy the dance but it's forgettable.
Judges: Carrie Ann thinks Ingo captured the power of the paso, though she tells him to work on his posture. Len compliments the feel and attitude of the dance but agrees with Carrie Ann about the posture. Bruno thinks Ingo's paso might have been a little too aggressive, saying, "You're supposed to be a matador, not an ax murderer!"
Lisa Vanderpump and Gleb Savchenko
Viennese Waltz: Sad about their bottom two placement last week, Lisa says to Gleb, "We need our Twitter followers to vote for us." Gleb is like, Don't look at me, I've got, like, six followers. Lisa decides it's time to play hard ball, saying, "We can't worry about the judges. We gotta worry about our fans. Get your kit off!" Lisa takes a picture of a shirtless Gleb and sends it to Twitter.
In all seriousness, Lisa admits that Dancing with the Stars is more difficult than she ever imagined, adding, "But I don't want to lose my sense of humor over it. It's supposed to be fun and that's what it's going to be. If I land on my ass, that's okay, I just don't want to go home."
On the dance floor, Lisa looks like a Disney Princess dancing with her Prince Charming. Lisa and Gleb's dance is beautiful and, despite a minor flub of the hands in the middle, a huge improvement. Taylor Armstrong, Kyle Richards, Mauricio Umansky, Kim Richards, and Brandi Glanville are sitting with Ken and Giggy in the audience.
Judges: Len calls it "light and breezy" and "free and easy" but says Lisa still needs to work on her footwork and posture. Bruno tells Lisa that it felt regal, adding, "When you're good, you look fantastic, but it's not constant." Carrie Ann loves watching Lisa and Gleb dance together.
Kellie Pickler and Derek Hough
Jive: Kellie points out that Derek talks to her in "dance speak" and gets "wasp face" when he's mad at her. Derek insists he's not mad, just tough, saying, "If my partner is capable, I'm definitely tougher." Oh. Please. As if the golden boy ever had to deal with a partner who was less than capable.
So, the Houghs certainly dig Footloose, don't they? In all honesty, I didn't love Kellie and Derek's jive, as I didn't think Kellie did enough dancing. Derek, on the other hand, caught a bad case of Ballas Overdance-itis. That said, if this show were Doing Splits with the Stars, Kellie would annihilate her competition. I'm pretty sure her body does things that are illegal in most states.
Judges: Bruno thinks Kellie and Derek's jive was sharper than a samurai sword. Carrie Ann brings "ridiculously amazing" and "fastest routine ever" to the table. Len boldly declares Kellie the queen of the prom. Obviously, the inevitable season 16 Derek Hough love fest is officially underway, UGH!
Victor Ortiz and Lindsay Arnold
Contemporary: Considering her So You Think You Can Dance experience, Lindsay is probably one of the more "seasoned" pros when it comes to contemporary dance, and she's thrilled that Victor is strong enough to pull off the lifts. Victor does much better with this "free and flowing" style of dance; however, I have to admit that I'm feeling under whelmed.
Judges: Carrie Ann praises Victor and Lindsay's chemistry, adding, "That's what contemporary is all about. That was breathtaking." Len compliments the lifts but says the bits in between the lifts (I'm no expert, but I think that the dance part) still need a lot of work (I totally agree). Bruno gives the pair a standing ovation and rambles on about "ease of movement" and "total involvement."
Jacoby Jones and Karina Smirnoff
Rumba: Jokester Jacoby reveals that he played some pranks and got kicked out of his prom. Karina freaks a little, wondering if Jacoby will be able to bring the serious and the romance that is needed to pull off the rumba. She implores him to find his romantic side. Cue the music, which is Rihanna's Stay, bring on the shirtless wonder that is Jacoby, add in the beautiful artistry that is Karina's choreography … OMG! … what an amazing performance.
Judges: The always hot and bothered Bruno carries on about "volcanoes of passion" and "rivers of fire." This time, though, I agree with Bruno. Jacoby and Karina's rumba was HOT. Carrie Ann agrees, adding, "You have incredible artistry." Len admits that he's shocked by Jacoby's "refinement" and "quality of movement."
D.L. Hughley and Cheryl Burke
Salsa: D.L. admits that he wasn't expecting to be safe last week, saying, "The judges had us on death row but the Supreme Court, our fans, gave us a stay of execution." For reasons unknown, Cheryl has D.L. dance the salsa on a 12×12-ish raised platform. So, D.L. moves even less than normal, and the entire routine is nothing but nonsense and hip thrusts.
Judges: Len quips, "If you're a sex machine, I'm America's Next Top Model." Len points out that the dance itself was nowhere near a salsa. Bruno tells D.L. that it looked like a case of hip replacement. Carrie Ann blows raspberries at Len and Bruno and claims to see improvement in D.L.'s dancing.
Wynonna Judd and Tony Dovolani
Samba: Wynonna's promise to release her "inner tigress" this week turns out to be yet another April Fool's joke. Seriously. Did Wynonna even move? Any attempt that Tony made to add personality to their performance – a stripper pole and Rock of Ages costumes – fell completely flat due to Wynonna's unwillingness to move.
Judges: Carrie Ann says, "We got wild outfits and wild pole dancing but the rest of the dance was like a whisper." Len compares Wynonna to Mt. Rushmore, adding, "You look magnificent but you don't move." Bruno tells Wynonna that one must "ride it hard" to pull off the samba but her performance came across as "a bit sedated."
Zendaya Coleman and Val Chmerkovskiy
Viennese Waltz: With no prom experience to speak of, Zendaya focuses her attention on her grandmother who has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Val and Zendaya dance a lovely waltz to "Que Sera, Sera."
Judges: Bruno calls it "enchanting" and "charming" despite a few stumbles. Carrie Ann tells Val that he's doing a great job with Zendaya, adding, "I feel like the best is yet to come." Len appreciates how effortless dancing appears to be for Zendaya.
Sean Lowe and Peta Murgatroyd
Cha Cha Cha: Oh! YMCA! So, Sean is dressed like a construction worker, not a farmer. Nevertheless, he still looks ridiculous, and Peta is the most almost naked Indian I've ever seen. About Sean's first day or rehearsal each week, Peta says, "He is so awkward I get very nervous about what it's going to look like." No doubt, after watching Sean attempt to handle that bedazzled jackhammer, Catherine is saying the same thing about her wedding night.
Judges: Len felt the energy, attack, and attitude from Sean. Bruno is really, really, really
horny pleased. Carrie adds, "There was only one thing missing in the routine – Bruno!" Clearly, these judges are sipping the spiked punch, because that review is bonkers.
Kellie and Derek: 25
Zendaya and Val: 24
Jacoby and Karina: 24
Aly and Mark: 23
Victor and Lyndsey: 23
Ingo and Kym: 21
Sean and Peta: 21
Lisa and Gleb: 21
Andy and Sharna: 18
D.L. and Cheryl: 16
Wynonna and Tony: 15
TELL US – WHO SHOULD GO HOME TONIGHT?
Photo credit: ABC