I regret to inform you that last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills was, once again, all about Kim Richards‘ sobriety. At least we got to see some Erika Jayne side-boob this time though – to cover all the bases of Housewives anatomy. Honestly I can’t decide if that’s better or worse than pantygate.
The story of Kim is a sad one indeed. In fact, Kim and Kyle Richards‘ life reminds me of a book I read – a memoir written by Jack Kerouac’s daughter about her adolescence and early adulthood. I initially read it in high school and was jealous of her free-spirited life and her mother who let her do whatever she wanted; she could party, stay out all night, etc. I re-read the book in college and that time I was sad that she had zero guidance or stability.
So, do we think Brittany Cartwright‘s mama is going to be successful in her quest to get Jax Taylor into a church?! If so, will the holy water turn him into liquefied jelly – or will he start speaking in tongues?! Oh wait, he already does… Yes, an exorcism must be done on Vanderpump Rules, but shockingly, Jax isn’t the one who needs it. OK, maybe he does, but not as bad as some people…
So let me tell you a little story about a Three-Headed SheBeast named KriStasstie – if that sounds like a very weird food served in an eastern European prison, or a disease you probably do not want to contract from a monkey, well, it’s not far off.
This is the story about three women who have absolutely NO IDEA how unimportant their opinions are, and their self-aggrandized delusions about their amazing friendships are, well, sad. Really sad. Thank goodness we have the ‘boyfriend stealing’ Ariana Madix, of the dewy mermaid skin and evil eye to put them in their place. And their place is out by the dumpsters at SUR. Who knows…they may even be puking in them.
Can we all just agree that game nights and the ladies of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are just a terrible, terrible mix? It’s like tere and prostitution whores or Vicki Gunvalson and boyfriends or Kenya Moore and reality. They just don’t fit well together. Make it stop, Bravo. The charades I can handle…the drama, not so much!
On this week’s RHOBH, the dreaded recurring game night occurred at Kyle Richards’ abode, complete with the newbies and a very healthy looking Kim Richards but sans slut pigs (thankfully). Eileen Davidson used the opportunity to nitpick the accent memory and word choice and panty pranks of Dorit Kemsley, while Lisa Rinna revisited her long-standing feud with Kim. Don’t get me wrong, I am not quite on board with Dorit, but she clearly has no clue how to handle these women. I adored Eileen on Days of Our Lives (especially as Kristen DiMera’s crazy twin Susan), but her pettiness is exhausting. Ditto for Rinna’s hustling and QVC line anger at Kim. At least the even keeled Lisa Vanderpump is here to give us her words of wisdom!
In her blog, Eden thanks Kyle Richards for hosting the night and jokes about Dorit Kemsley’s very sudden and very bizarre attraction to her: “I kind of wish we were all naked (#FreeLove), but I guess it didn’t matter. Dorit was already undressing me with her eyes. And remember, I told you guys last week that the only games I like to play are with men!”
Things continue at Camille Grammer‘s Luncheon From Hell, which really wasn’t all that hellish after all. It kind of fizzled and popped, then went flat like day-old Perrier. What Dorit wanted to finish telling Eileen is that she feels constantly on the defense with these women. I feel like it’s true that Dorit is under laser-focus, but I also feel like Dorit is trying too hard, then imagines people are constantly scrutinizing her. Her affiliation with the sleaziness that is PK doesn’t help.
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules, we learned that Stassi Schroeder‘s problems with men run deep. Like down in the beautiful, briny sea deep. She’s also being strangled in turtleneck-form by her own ill-advised hubris.
Now, I must do a disclaimer with this recap: Do not expect my usual greatness of prose mixed with pearls of wisdom, as I have the worst cold I have ever had in my human existence. And I feel like garbage. Like what Tequila Katie (minus Tom 2) may smear on Scheana Marie‘s overly-contoured face.
Can we talk about Scheana? Ho-ly does that girl need a ‘stink face’ removal procedure. Didn’t anyone warn her that her face will freeze that way if she makes a poop face immediately after getting Botox? I mean, I get it – she has a hard-earned summer body to protect, but lighten up and eat a lil’ clam. I hear Kristen Doute loves them.
Lisa also defends her friend Dorit and bemoans the fact that she’s in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills “hot seat” so far this season.
Lisa points out that “wine obviously flowed copiously” at PK and Dorit‘s dinner party. “So one might be forgiven if an accurate memory of what had transpired in conversation might be a little hazy so to speak. When we flash back, it compounds the fact that Dorit was inaccurate of her recollection. The subject of Eileen‘s name and mother, of course, was raised, however there were wires that were crossed.”
The extremely touchy and personal topic of deceased parents came up repeatedly on this week’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, and it was not at ALL appreciated by Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna, both of whom sadly lost a parent this past year. In her blog, Eileen takes issue with PK and Dorit Kemsley judging her about when, where, and how she revealed the news of her late mother’s passing.
Eileen clarifies, “I lost my mother in March. This was months after all the issues with Lisa [Vanderpump] happened. The next day, I worked Y&R. I chose not to tell anyone there because that was the only way I could do my job. It was pure survival. I had to make the same decision for the reunion. We all had a lot of issues that needed to be talked through. I knew it would rob everyone of their ability to be honest with me if they were all walking on eggshells.”