This week on Princesses: Long Island, Chanel "Coco" Omari invites the princesses, including newcomer Casey Cohen, to the Hamptons to experience a traditional Shabbat dinner. Also, to search for husbands, because their wine-soaked ovaries are not getting any younger.
But first, Amanda Bertoncini and Joey Lauren must kinda, sorta, not really deal with the fallout from last week's drunken pool party. Amanda's annoying voice opens the show, sharing, "A slap in the face heals but a harsh word is always remembered," adding, "I'm surprised that half the girls in Long Island don't have black eyes." #lifelessonsbybravo
So, Joey meets Amanda to talk about the Jeff/Sara/Facebook drama, and she kind of apologizes for, um, something. However, Joey refuses to accept any responsibility for the hurtful words that were said or the drinks that were thrown, and Amanda still believes that Joey should have at least asked her friend to leave the party. In the end, Amanda accepts Joey's apology, but she vows to keep her eye on her in the future.
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Next, Chanel visits Ashlee White's home, which is horribly decorated and hardly a mansion worthy of her offensive "I'm going to die in Freeport" attitude, to invite her to the city to meet Casey. Also, to search for husbands, because Casey is supposedly a dude magnet. Ashlee's parents beg Chanel to find a man – "anything at this point!" – for their troll of a daughter. Ashlee doesn't want to hear it; she realizes how undesirable she is and plans to mooch off Daddy till she's 190.
Mom is like, I can't believe Ashlee's going go be 30, and Chanel is like, She looks so much younger, and I'm like, Seriously?! She looks 45! Ashlee admits that she wants to look older – good thing! – because she likes older men, adding, "The oldest I'll go is, like, 48, but he's not, like, an old wrinkly bald man, like, he's amazing." Then, Ashlee sends Daddy upstairs to fetch her brush, as her ratty hair desperately needs a once over before she goes sniffing for a man in the city.
Can we back up to the house/neighborhood that Ashlee lives in for a second? They're nice, don't get me wrong, but this is the girl who cried her way through a low- to middle-class neighborhood in Freeport. She needed to call Daddy to pep talk her through it. Given that scene and her sense of entitlement at the nail salon, I expected so much more than an average-size home filled with tacky, outdated decor. Ashlee needs to get over herself. Fast.
Chanel and Ashlee find their way to the club in the city. They're beyond obnoxious and I imagine that they also reek of desperation. But, as it turns out, it's GAY NIGHT at the bar. HILARIOUS! Sadly, poor Jeff was probably forced to hide in the bathroom once Chanel and Bravo's cameras arrived, seriously cutting into his me time.
Next, we meet Casey, who prefers the city over Long Island. She complains about how everyone on Long Island tries to one up everybody else, adding, "I don't care about the red bottoms." Later, we learn that Casey has one more reason to hate Long Island, Erica Gimbel stole her boyfriend. NO! Yes, when Casey was 15. HUH? Yes, over 10 years ago, but she still cries over it. You're kidding, right? You have to understand that Erica ruined her prom! For real? Yup. She had the dress and everything. Seriously? 10 years ago?! "Yes," explains Chanel. "But on Long Island, it sticks with you." Wow.
Speaking of the prom wrecker, Erica and her current boyfriend, Rob, go on a double date with Amanda and her questionable boyfriend, Jeff. Right away, Jeff and Amanda torture us with their "how we met" story. Believe it or not, it involves Jeff shopping
shocker! for the perfect outfit, and it ends with a love connection made on the Long Island Rail Road. Amanda reveals, she went to the bathroom, to thank God for bringing a man into their life, and Erica admits, she would have taken the man into the bathroom, to sex up.
Next, the princesses talk about their upcoming girls weekend in the Hamptons. Erica says that she'll miss Rob but not enough to put a damper on a weekend of partying with the girls. On the flip side, Amanda cannot fathom a whole weekend away from her man. She's like, a progesterone-filled house or a testosterone-filled Jeff, no brainer. HAHA. Jeff. Full. Of. Testosterone. HAHA There are way too many ways to run with that one. Side note: Why is Erica so noticeably twitchy? Then, Erica and Rob sneak a few kisses, so Jeff slobbers all over Amanda's face. The WTF?! looks that Rob gives Jeff are hilarious.
So, Chanel asks Casey to join her and the others in the Hamptons despite the fact that Erica will be there, and her still raw emotion blows my mind. In the end, though, Casey reluctantly agrees. "I will never ever forget it," she says. "But if you really want me there, I will be there for you, but I'm scared to be there and be in a confined space with Erica."
Next, Joey and Erica hang out, to talk about Casey and the weekend trip. Joey reminds us that Erica was once the hottest piece of a** on Long Island. (once being the operative word) Also, Joey laments, while Erica was born with a silver spoon in her mouth, I got stuck with a white plastic fork. Anyway, Joey admits that Erica once slept with her boyfriend, too. Joey is over it. Erica says that Casey is beyond ridiculous if she, too, isn't over the high school drama. Later, we learn that Casey has daddy issues, and there lies her underlying issue with Erica. "My dad cheated on my mom and isn't in my life," cries Casey. "And my ex isn't in my life because of Erica."
It's Hamptons time! Chanel promises to not return Ashlee until she's practically hitched, to which Mom says, "Stay as long as you need." Meanwhile, the troll cries, because pretending to be a big girl gives her anxiety, and me thinks this is going to be a very very very long husband-getting adventure. As the bus pulls away, the parents are all "they're good kids" like they're off to summer camp for the first time, at 30 freaking years old. Next, Erica and Joey board the bus to Hitchville, and Erica wastes no time getting her drink on. #manischewitz Jeff and Amanda drive separately, of course, and they're all kissy, kissy, barfy, barfy, with Babs practically begging to join in. #weirdness
Once in the Hamptons, Ashlee immediately calls Mommy when she discovers a stain on her sheets, crying, "There's no butler!? WAHHHH!" Casey shows up, then, and ices out Erica. Chanel prays
but not hard enough. Over dinner, Erica toasts to their host, and Casey looks away in disgust. Calm down, Casey, this is only the beginning! Chef Justin serves their meal, and Erica announces that she hates the name Justin. "Ex-boyfriend names don't fly," she says. "And apparently I have 900 of them. At least I hit all the names." Erica makes Casey rage inside.
With a mouth full of food, Erica goes on and on about how wonderful meditation is, and Casey tells her to shut up. "Can you just be quiet for a minute?" she asks. "Everything that's coming out of your mouth right now is ridiculous and very weird." Erica responds, "Not weird – everything that I said was from the heart. If you don't like what I said, then you don't like me as a person." Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner! Casey chastises Erica, saying that's an after-dinner conversation, to which Erica says, "Then don't be a child about it prior to and tell me to shut my mouth. I'm not a child." Back and forth, back and forth. Finally, Casey tells her nemesis that she is full of bullsh-t, and Erica leaves the room in tears.
"I can't even be in the same room with her," cries Casey. "It makes me sick. She says stupid things that are just stupid, and being in this house with her is annoying. It's really irritating." In the backyard, Erica sobs, lights up a cigarette, and calls Rob. Meanwhile, Casey holds her head, because her headband isn't holding in the crazy well enough, and cries more about how evil Erica is.
Separately, Chanel begs both Casey and Erica to talk it out, so they can ALL enjoy the rest of the weekend. I mean, some of them are still hopelessly single, and the dial on Casey's man magnet has since been switched to STRAIGHT men. Sadly, Erica insists that she wants to go home, adding, "Nobody talks to me that way. I don't care if I f–ked her boyfriend five times."
These women are horrid! I can't wait for next week!
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Photo credit: Bravo