Princesses: Long Island tells the same story every week. This week's Jewish husband finding adventure – with a side dish of Erica Gimbel was too hot to handle in high school – begins with Amanda Bertoncini and Chanel "Coco" Omari shopping for dresses for Ashlee White's upcoming 30th birthday bash.
First, Chanel tells Amanda that ex-boyfriend Michael, who dumped her twice to hook up with his 19-year-old ex-girlfriend, is trying to weasel his way back into her life. Chanel vows to never let that happen again. Amanda tries on a tank top and pretends that is a "super hot" dress. Oy. She best not show too much vagina or her boyfriend will run away. Finally, the princesses try on a few more dresses and get "Coco Bootylicious" in the store.
While having her hair done for the party, Ashlee jokes about turning 30 while looking 4. HAHA. Can someone please explain to Ashlee that "too little to ride alone at Disney" does not equate "looks 4 years old"? She looks like she's pushing 40. Ashlee goes on to to brag about her "huge" party because she's annoying like that.
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Ashlee's daddy doesn't like the fact that his princess is turning 30 with naked fingers. Um – then cut the cord?
Daddy Hal gives Ashlee a huge diamond ring for her birthday. He even asks that she say "I do" before she puts it on. Ashlee shoves the ring on her finger, saying, "This is beyond amazing. For my 16th birthday, I got a BMW. For my 30th, I got a diamond ring. People say I live in a bubble? Bring on the bubble!" Seriously – does anyone find her cute? I'm truly curious.
So, Ashlee's super posh birthday party takes place in a strip mall, LOL. Erica and Joey Lauren are the first to arrive, and much to their amusement, they're greeted by a (might as well be naked) penis serving hummus. #classy Daddy Hal (ICK) urges the girls to dip all they want. Later, much to my amusement, Amanda announces that Jeff was the first one to dip his thing in the hummus.
Ashlee shows off her diamond ring, and Joey quips, "Everyone needs a sugar daddy, but it shouldn't be your own daddy." Then, all twelve of Ashlee's party guests hit the dance floor, and Jeff and Amanda reprise their vomit-inducing public display of
affection porn. Who dances like that a family birthday party? Ugh. Please excuse me while I go marinate in a tub full of hand sanitizer.
At the end of the night, Ashlee thanks her twelve party guests for coming out to the strip mall to celebrate her 30th birthday party, adding, "Let's give it up for Jimmy Choo, Louis Vuitton, and my sparkly ring."
Erica and Rob play tennis, as it's "healthier than drinking wine," and I'm sure the portion of Erica's liver that still functions is grateful. Not so grateful? The parents of the children who are exposed to Erica's inappropriate, foul language on the tennis courts. Good grief. After tennis, the couple has a rather serious discussion about trust. Rob admits that he gets nervous when Ercia parties without him. Erica begs Rob to trust her. #foreshadowing
Next, Chanel's ex calls her home phone to tell her that he is sitting outside, and he asks her to come talk to him. Chanel does, mistakenly, and ends up in tears. Chanel sobs; Michael smiles. Chanel's dad comforts her, as well as urges her to move on once and for all.
Moving on to the desperate to find a husband portion of this episode, Ashlee, Joey, Chanel, and Casey Cohen – the single ladies – are off to Jewish Singles Camp in Connecticut. Ashlee's separation-from-daddy anxiety kicks in as she heads off to singles sleep away camp, and I have an overwhelming urge to smack her in the face with a Jimmy Choo. #sorrynotsorry
Chanel admits that she's more ready than ever to find a husband following her run-in with Michael, adding, "Maybe I need to hike and pull twigs out of my ass to get back into reality." Ashlee's anxiety lessens the more she talks about Jewish boys with wieners, to which Joey says, "I couldn't be more different from Ashlee, but I will embrace this camp for what it is." I love her.
Alas, sad news, singles camp gets canceled due to an impending severe storm. Ashlee thinks she's going to die in Connecticut. Naturally. Meanwhile, back on Long Island, Amanda and Babs are getting ready for their own girls night out.
And, in case you were wondering, they plan to get low … so low …
Casey, Joey, and Chanel decide to pick a bar at random and get their drink on. Ashlee mentally plans her funeral. After a few drinks, Joey chats up a cute bartender, Chanel dances like a fool, Casey turns her nose up at everything and anything, and Ashlee asks every single penis she encounters if it's Jewish. She's a little overbearing. Now that they're all plastered, the ladies rent a motel room, and the modest-beneath-her room makes Ashlee vomit.
Random observation: Casey Cohen is to Princess: Long Island what Lilly Ghalichi is to Shahs of Sunset.
Amanda and Babs meet up with Erica. These three women legit think they are SO HOT and the ENVY of the club. Erica flirts – hard core – with a plethora of guys, Babs scores a lap dance from a 25 year old, and Amanda is loud and obnoxious, as per usual. Rob calls just as Erica starts to get a little raunchy with one of the guys. Saved by the bell? Not so much. Erica completely disses her boyfriend and invites new guy to join her in the bathroom. Amanda screams ERICCCAAAA! like a wild banshee. To no avail.
TELL US – YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS EPISODE? WILL ASHLEE EVER GET MARRIED? DOES ERICA CHEAT ON ROB?
Photo credit: Bravo