Have you heard? Princesses: Long Island star Chanel "Coco" Omari is 27 years old and not married. I repeat – NOT married. Broken. So sad. Disgrace to Longuyland. Tune in next week to see Chanel's public stoning. Obviously, I kid (at least I hope) about the stoning, but is this pity party for real?
Chanel's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged to be married, and poor broken Chanel doesn't even have a boyfriend. The hits keep coming when Chanel helps shop for Ashley's bridal gown. At the dress shop, Mom introduces Ashley, the bride, and Chanel, the sister, and the shop clerk asks if Chanel is the "little sister" as if it's relevant and/or any of her business. After a brief moment of silence, Chanel reveals that she's actually the older sister, and then the store clerk buys the first ticket to Chanel's stoning.
Just for kicks – Ashley insists that Chanel try on a wedding gown. Mom prays, "God willing, Chanel will meet someone," and Chanel weeps. "Sometimes I just want to be normal like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else is doing," she cries. "It's really difficult when you feel like you're always on a different page."
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Next, Casey Cohen, Ashlee White, and Joey Lauren hit up a Jewish speed dating event. Apparently, this was Chanel's idea, but she's still knee deep in tears and unable to function without a husband. Joey finds it hard to take speed dating seriously so she resorts to mocking the process. Casey and Ashlee take offense. I know – hard to believe.
Casey, who seriously lacks a sense of humor, calls Joey annoying and low class. Ashlee agrees, adding, "Joey sounds like 'wah wah woh wah wah' because that's what people with no class sound like to me." Later, Joey asks the stuck up bitches, err, Casey and Ashlee a question, and they straight up ignore her. Because that's so mature and high class? Got it.
Joey sits at the bar to vent. This leaves Ashlee and Casey no choice but to bring their miserable selves to the bar if they want to continue to be rude to Joey. They do. Walking over, Ashlee announces, "Sexy and sexy have come to the bar," to which Joey says, "More like obnoxious and obnoxious." Joey makes it be known that she's over Ashlee and Casey's immature antics. She leaves, and Ashlee says, "I'm done with her. I have a laundry list of reasons to hate her, and I don't even do laundry!"
The next night, Erica Gimbel meets Joey in Freeport, to go clubbing. Erica does not need to call her daddy to pep talk her through the ghetto. What a big girl! Joey complains about Ashlee for a bit. Then Erica either whines about Rob, saying she feels smothered, or flirts with guys that are not Rob the rest of the night. Joey points out to Erica, you ooze sex, which is why your boyfriend is so clingy and insecure. Joey's words do not faze Erica. An exhausted Joey decides to leave, saying, "How am I supposed to find a guy if I have to babysit Erica all night?" Joey turns down a guy's offer to buy her a drink on her way out.
Ashlee was the only princess to score a real date at Jewish speed dating. "I got a date," she says. "Joey did not because she's a mean, bad person.
Casey did not because the stick up her ass is a real turn-off." Mom urges Ashlee to dress provocatively – like, show them boobies, I want you outta my house – while Dad grills the date downstairs. Ashlee changes into a shirt that shows nothing but her personality. Fail! Mom falls into a fetal position and sobs. Bad conversation combined with Ashlee's snobbery makes for a disastrous date. She whines, "I'd rather wear flats than go on another date with him."
The next morning, Erica's dad wants to know if she ever plans on becoming a productive member of society, she insists that she's too busy. Plus avoiding Rob 24/7 is exhausting. Dad implores Erica to work on her relationship. He's like, you don't seem to be very career oriented, so you best make a good wife. "You don't want to be 35, 40 and not have kids," he adds. "Make a plan. I want to see you move forward with your life." Meanwhile, Chanel's pity party for one continues, as she tells Casey that her sorrow has become paralyzing.
Finally, Amanda Bertoncini decides to throw a White Party for the Drink Hanky. Jeff repeatedly tells Amanda that she looks hot. Hot. HOT. HOT!! Note to Jeff: no matter how many times you say it, we still don't believe that you mean it. Then, Jeff jokes about hiding in a closet, to peep, while Amanda changes her clothes. He says, "I'm in the closet," and we say, "Obviously."
It's party time! And most of the princesses drown their relationship woes with red SOLO cups filled with booze. Classy White Party, y'all. Have you heard? Chanel isn't married. Also, Joey hates Ashlee, and Erica cannot stand Rob. "Things are tough," says Erica. "But, we have to either sh-t or get off the pot, so I guess we're going to sh-t." I'm sure her father will be happy to hear that she finally has a plan.
The party goes well until Chanel's booze catches up with her. Seemingly out of nowhere, Chanel gets into a fight with another party guest, shocking her friends. Ice, insults, and drinks are flying everywhere. Ashlee
hides under her bridge demands that everyone leave the salon, repeatedly screaming, "I'm asking everyone to stay outside!" Seriously? Is Chanel that fragile?
An undeterred Joey blasts past Ashlee, to check on Chanel and Amanda, and Ashlee freaks out. "Joey tramples over me," she whines. "I think we have more than enough trash at this party without Joey." Ashlee asks Joey to leave, to which Joey says, "I'm sorry, but you're not the run of the show here, Mama Dukes." Ashlee HATES Joey. HAHA. Erica and the owner of the salon run into the salon, and Ashlee continues to scream, "I'm asking everyone to stay outside!" Note to Ashlee: Nobody can HEAR you way DOWN there, so zip it. The owner kicks the drama and cameras out of his salon.
Amanda is upset with Chanel for ruining her party, though Ashlee and Erica reach out to Chanel. Erica offers to burn the bitch in the face with a cigarette. So charming, that one. Making it all about her, Ashlee childishly says, "If Joey comes near me, ask her to walk away." Right on cue, Joey approaches and Ashlee yells, "Joey! Joey! Joey! You are a BAD person. Everybody think so." Joey looks at Erica – she says not me. Joey looks at Chanel – she says not me. Joey tells Ashlee that she's the only one who believes that, to which Ashlee says, "Okay, Joey. I don't need to listen to you." UGH. I cannot STAND her.
Once again, Chanel storms after the other woman, calling her a white trash bitch. Erica and Joey attempt to control Chanel while Ashlee… hides under the table? calls Daddy? Who knows. Joey, too, notices Ashlee's absence and calls her out on it. Nevertheless, Chanel and Ashlee leave together, and Chanel says, "Thank you for being there for me, Ashlee." WHAT?!? To close the show, Amanda says, "Tonight broke my heart. This behavior doesn't represent my company. I just hope the drink that was thrown on Chanel had a Drink Hanky on it."
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