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rhom-recap

Adriana de Moura is just so sick of vintage. I mean vintage boats, vintage cars, vintage marriage licenses, vintage friendships with Lea Black. All that old crap is just boring her and she's tired of it. It so doesn't count if it's old and decrepit right?! Too bad Frederic doesn't agree. So that's the season premiere of Real Housewives of Miami; Adriana and Lea aren't friends anymore, everyone is wondering why the hell Adriana is getting married if she's already married, and no one is telling the truth.

Let's dive in! Nautical reference intended. Things kick off with Joanna Krupa pretending she's classy and all that by hopping off a private jet into Lea's awaiting town car. Apparently they became best friends in the off-season. I'm gonna venture to guess Roy (Lea's hubs) predicted Joanna was gonna lose it one of these times and need a good defense attorney. We also know Lea loves the crazy. So anyway, they're friends and Lea and Adriana are NOT!

Lea is hurt that Adriana has been lying about her marital status for years and not only that when Lea was getting her very elderly and hard working a$$ unduly handed to her by Ana Quincoces at last season's reunion, Adriana sat there and said nothing in her defense. Lea cries and Joanna pats her knee affectionately cause she hates Adriana too!

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Lea is in cahoots with Romain planning a surprise for Joanna who is recently re-engaged to Romain and actually setting a date. Isn't it amazing what the power of a reality television wedding can do for ones relationship. Despite the fact that they haven't had sex since last time they were engaged, Romain gifts Joanna with a brand new car. Lea drives her to the dealership to pick it up. Love!

At Lea's house she's redecorating. She's also speaking fluent Spanish to her housekeeper and friend Freya. Lea has some super-star decorating team re-doing the overstuffed house and as part of that she's tossing out all the over-priced artwork she pity bought from her friend Adriana thinking she was a broke single mom. If only she knew that Adriana was a married, lying spendthrift! 

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The decorators pull out a throne for Lea, fluff her metaphorical angel wings and gush about how much she helps people. Like she's helping them buy a new vacation home with all the money she's shelling their way. 

So Adriana is planning her re-wedding and while some people totally care that she's already been married for years, others chalk it up to just Miami, like Alexia Echevarria and Marysol Patton. Others, like Lisa Hochstein, however, thinks Adriana has some 'splainin to do! 

They're all meeting at some bridal convention and Lisa, oh Fembot Fakenstein, welcome back love – that dress with the big ol' keyhole top and her massive boobies splayed out (are they from the Tori Spelling 90210 boob collection?!). I do love Lisa though, Fembot is sweet but a little scared to be hanging out with the "Cuban gang" of Alexia, Marysol, and Ana. What if they tell her what's wrong with her?! What if Ana has dug up her entire life's history… 

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When Adriana shows up hours late, Lisa immediately asks her about the marriage license and of course, Lea. According to Adriana's latest story: she and Frederic decided to get married weeks after meeting. They got the license but when Adriana's son found out he freaked out and Frederic decided to cancel the ceremony. Adriana's son's reaction has had her questioning the relationship all these years, waiting until Alex is ready to accept Frederic as his father. 

I thought the marriage license had an error? Adriana also insists Lea knew she was married, but she's still a-scairt to confront her because Lea is apparently very vicious. Oh and everyone hates her her this season. Marysol calls her a liar. Alexia claims she's been spreading rumors about Peter needing to go to prison all over town. And Frederic is doing Lea impersonations that are pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen on a Housewives show. Pure comedy gold. 

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See Adriana is still not so sure about living on this yacht Frederic is restoring even though I think it looks amazing. It's taking too long, the walk-in closet isn't big enough, he's stupid – oh and it's all HIS fault they got a marriage license which everyone subsequently discovered and is accusing her of lying about. And Lea is upset which means she's not gonna be buying anymore Dali's from Adriana, which means the Chanel credit line is drying up! 

Frederic has clearly had it with her holding him responsible for Lea's sudden stinginess so he grabs a big ol' board pretends it a clutch, starts waving it around, imitating Lea's laugh and says he doesn't care what the old bitch thinks! Adriana stomps off the yacht, screeching about how she doesn't want to be known as the "crazy bitch-slapping girl" (loved what she was wearing, btw) and they continue their fight in the vintage Jag convertible which doesn't start. Adriana stomps off again and screams that she wants to cancel the wedding again and she's tired of vintage! And with that she decides to go be friends with Lisa. She's new and shiny and inflated and so is her house. Plus she'll probably be easily duped into buying art. 

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Also having trouble in paradise is Alexia. Despite Frankie's recovery going really well he still has a way to go, but the real issue is Peter! Alexia's mom a four-times divorce psychiatrist who lives in Spain and is clearly replacing Mama Elsa this season as the wise, yet quirky drink-lovin' mama is in town to help straighten Peter out. Alexia reveals she doesn't know what to do with him and Frankie's accident emotionally damaged him. She's desperate and it's kind of nice to hear her admit that Peter is a mess, although I don't think continuing to dote on him is going to help things!

To help suss out the situation Mama Alexia is hitting up the club with Peter to get low. 

Since everything is a cluster-eff with the ladies of RHOM, peace-maker Fembot is hosting a get together so Adriana and Lea can meet and try to work things out. She's super stressed out and forgot to wear a top because she was so busy making sure the chefs got the tequila in order for the event. Ok, I tease Lisa but I love her. I do. 

Joanna shows up first; apparently they haven't seen each other in months and Joanna skipped out on Lisa's thirtieth birthday. Lisa gushes about missing Joanna, Joanna chugs her martini. Fembot is surprised to learn that Joanna and Romain set a date, but they still haven't worked out their issues including the lack of sexytimes. Joanna asks Lisa about her fertility and poor Lisa – still no success. She tells us she's had several miscarriages and they have been doing IVF, but so far no positive results. They are considering a surrogate. :(

Moving on to drama that doesn't matter, Joanna says Adriana is up to her old skanky tricks and over the summer re-tweeted something about her being an escort. Joanna thought they had agreed to be civil, but apparently not! We all know Joanna was never, ever an escort. Marysol arrives and she's still my favorite lady. She's all psyched about the RHOM double weddings and doesn't care who got married when so long as she's the next girl to snag a man! Poor thing, she already got her Made by Bravo wedding (and divorce!). 

When Adriana arrives – late – Joanna shoots her a wicked side-eye and whips out the mace. She had her taser on hand in her purse too. She is not taking any chances with this crazy broad. That's when Fembot reveals that Lea isn't coming and Adriana and Marysol breathe a sigh of relief. Enduring that high-pitched laugh for hours would put anyone off their "cockies" as Marysol likes to say. 

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Everyone bashes Lea while encouraging Adriana not abandon a seven-year friendship; Adriana reveals that not only did Lea know she was married, she was the maid of honor! Um… interesting! Maid of dishonor, apparently. Adriana insists Lea knows a lot more than she's letting on and she's just lying to make herself look good. Regardless, she agrees to call her and have a sit-down. 

That's when Marysol reveals that Mama Elsa had a stroke and is in the hospital. The devastating situation made her realize that petty drama doesn't really matter, so Adriana and Joanna make amends again and vow not to slap each other or swing brooms around or ruin anyone else's lingerie charity events with their Girls Gone Wild antics. 

They can be civil so long as everyone keeps their clothes on straight. The episode ends with all the women in a good place, cheers-ing to positive relationships and letting go of drama. But alas, nothing brings out the bitch like a wedding and when there's two weddings; there's two bitches! 

All in all, I think I'm gonna love this season which had a much more vibrant, pop-y feel. It was fresh and rejuvenated HW and it seems to fit the vibe of Miami. 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE FIRST EPISODE? ARE YOU GLAD ALEXIA IS BACK? WILL LEA AND ADRIANA MAKE UP?

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