Therapy by Bravo continues, y'all! This time involving a poor innocent horse in its nonsense.
Last night the intransigent Real Housewives of New Jersey gang continued their journey to togetherness in Arizona. While some people seemed to really be soaking in all the free psychological healing Bravo was throwing their way, others really dug their heels into the delusion. I'ma lookin' at you Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga!
Things begin with Melissa complaining that there's too much like progress happening. She croaks out that she's much prefer to sit by the pool and hock up phlegm while drinking cocktails and rocking yet another fringe bikini. Instead they'll be heading to a horse barn for a therapeutic exercise about being vulnerable and trusting others. Melissa wonders if she can wear a fringe bikini.
Outside Jacqueline Laurita is relaxing with some
spiked orange juice and talking to husband Chris about Teresa's "karma" comment. Jacqueline obsesses over whether or not Teresa was making a dig. Chris doesn't seem to think she was but admits that one never knows with that tricky Teresa. And he's known Teresa since the days when Jacqueline was a lowly Vegas stripper so he's kinda like an expert on Tre's crazy, thanks to Dina.
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Just as Jacqueline and Chris are complaining about Miss Tre-So-Crazy, she comes running up, clip in extensions flowing ($9.99 from Milania Hair Care, made from genuine polyester imported repurposed cabbage patch dolls), and leaps on the wall behind Jacqueline, gorilla-style. Apparently face-to-face things are all good, but behind backs, Jacqueline is still uncertain. Someone hand the lady a Xanax and some wine and she'll get over it!
And then they all head to meet Wyatt, his magic horse, and his equally magic mouth. If that's sounding dirty to you, don't worry – the only dirt was on the stable floor! The idea is that everyone must be authentic around the horse or the horse will sense it and refuse to cooperate. This poor horse is in for a wild ride.
Before we begin I have serious concern about Melissa and Teresa's liberal deployment of hot pants. Just in case any horse riding occurs they're in serious trouble: holy chafing!
As Wyatt explains the exercise Richie makes a snarky comment about how Wyatt is a "genius" because he calls it therapy to get people to clean up his horses. "He cracks jokes so he doesn't have to pay attention to how he feels," Wyatt quips back, busting Richie's invisi-balls. HIt it cowboy!
Chris goes first and it's no big, despite his bankruptcy and all that financial jazz he's apparently "authentic enough" and the horse lifts his leg right away. Next up is Rosie, who becomes emotional divulging her experiences as being gay in a traditional Italian family and how it makes her feel not good enough. Oh Andy, he's really beating this horse to death, isn't he? We get it, Rosie felt unaccepted because she chose a different path. You know what though, at least she seems to be taking it seriously and getting something out of all the free psychoanalyzing. Unlike some people…
Some people, like MELISSA! Oh Melissa – she "whore strolls" (Wyatt's words!) over to the horse and expects it to lift up on his hind legs for the shining Jersey goddess of amazing-ness that is Melissa, Miss On Display Everything Poison Wrangler. Instead the horse stands there obstinately and Wyatt calls Melissa out on acting nice in order to manipulate others. B-U-R-N. Melissa denounces Wyatt as not knowing what he's talking about and says it's impossible for him analyze her in "three minutes".
Sensing that Wyatt isn't falling for the feminine wiles of J. Faux who can make even a horse stall her stage, she makes bedroom eyes at Poison and wants him to rescue her from the big, bad mean horse who isn't fooled by her. A big, bad mean horse who isn't fooled by her just like… Teresa!
Poison calls out advice before Wyatt stops him and then Joe orders Teresa to go "help" Melissa. Cause like remember: Team Work! Team Terlissa quickly turns into two whore strolling hot pants-ers circling each other around the ring before both deciding they can't do it. Teresa races away first cause the horse makes a noise, then Melissa follows. I think they were afraid of smudging their makeup or getting their brand new cowboy boots dirty. Caroline Manzo is annoyed that neither one of them even tried to understand the exercise cause they're both too busy caring about superficial matters. Oh, y'a think?!
Then Kathy Wakile steps up and Wallpaper is quickly shoved out of a moving and important moment by the Giudices having some phone call drama! As soon as Kathy gets near the horse, tissues at the ready, Juicy (and his moobs) get a phone call. Dang – Juicy! He totally tricked us. We all thought he was dumb enough to repeat the c-u-next-tuesday phone call, but nope as Teresa is hot on his heels it is quickly exposed that he's talking to Milania about the horse.
Meanwhile back in the ring, Richie and Kathy are having a marital breakthrough which centers around Kathy admitting that she's almost always Wallpaper. 'People only pay attention to me when I bake them cannoli,' she wails, 'so I'm always baking. Cause I want to be liked.' 'Whadyia miss?' Teresa demands, bursting back into the ring and scaring the horse by blinding him with cheap sparkles. 'You missed an AUTHENTIC MOMENT,' Caroline bellows before marching over to the horse with Al to show the Wallpapers up. They want moving marital moments, she'll do them one better!
Wyatt demands Teresa and Joe throw the phones in the trough and watch the Manzos get real. Apparently Wyatt and Al are kindered spirits.
Wyatt has an over-bearing wife too? Both suffered an emotionally "abusive" childhood, something Al has never opened up about before. As Caroline effortlessly lifts the horse's leg up by threatening to turn her fambly lose on it, Wyatt gushes that Al and Caroline are lucky to have each other. "He's my heart," Caroline beams.
Before the Manzo's moving moment, Jacqueline wandered over, thinking the horse was one of those bull rides at a faux country bar. 'Is this thing gonna buck me off and flash my titties,' she giggles. 'I just got my tummy tucked,' she slurs. 'Wanna see? Whoooopsie. I think thats horrrses names Tereeza. She kicks me too!' Teresa rushes up to hug Jacqueline; pulling her away before she spills some more dirty secrets.
And then Juicy gets horsey with it. Wyatt challenges Juicy, his moobs, and his grunting to admit that he's afraid of something. After being promised a bonus by producers he admits he's scared of some legal stuff. And jail. "I guess a little issue that I'm dealing with right now. Which is just a little motor vehicle, you know, issue … I just got lawyers involved – and stuff like that."
This is big for Juicy. Like, huge. Everyone claps. Cheering and tearing are involved. Juicy takes a bow. Champagne is popped. Congratulations on joining the rest of humanity and being a person who feels.
As everyone trucks back to the spa Kathy is disappointed that no one paid attention to her revelation. Meanwhile Melissa and Teresa are complaining about what a waste of time it was and bonding over being superficial. Teresa thought the horse was going to look like Milania's My Little Pony collection and was annoyed it was an ugly brown horse without pink wings or glitter hooves. Obviously a horse that boring has low self-esteem and is stupid. And furthermore, she doesn't need any help from My Little Low Self-Esteem Pony since she doesn't have any insecurities. She's just "Teresa!" Which is exactly the problem.
Melissa agrees – she's perfect too! She thought the therapy was going to be manicures, cause gel polish really changed her outlook on life. I call this DEEEEEEP denial. Like drowning in it. Denial as Deep as Horse Poop: The Teresa & ME-lissa Story
You know, I can diagnose Teresa and Melissa without a horse or reality TV; they both have 'All About Me!' syndrome! I'm waiting for my money, Andy! As Caroline reminds us, "Melissa and Teresa are the same person." I call them: Terlissa.
That night the Juicy redemption tour continues as Bravo forces us to contend with hot tub porn and Teresa's Forever 21 sequined bikini. The one Milania warned her would cause a yeast infection in her chukalina. Yeah, Teresa wore it. Poor Teresa, when Kim D told her it looked good she was only saying that to make a sale and get some information on how you flubbed your 10-99 in 2008, she didn't really mean it!
Anyway, forced to contend with sparkle tits in his face, Juicy cracks and continues to open up about his whole legal snafu. The first legal snafu – not the fraud mess. He's upset that he may be headed to prison, but he's leaving it up to God and his attorneys. So let's just whatever and drink this wine and like you know, whatever happens, happens!
Teresa says she has faith in Juicy cause he's "truthful". That's an interesting choice of words – it takes one to know one, eh. At the very least Juicy has decided he's not a criminal and he's never hurt nobody. So that's that, he should get to just sit home and eat spaghetti while his wife hocks cookbooks on the Bravo Home Shopping Network.
At some point there was also a drum ceremony. During which Melissa hopped up and shook her booty. She tells us euphorically that she liked it a lot better than the horse crap, cause music is kinda her thing. She's a pop star remember! After which Rosie announced her irritation that Teresa didn't support Kathy during her horse moment and how Kathy always gets ignored. Case in point, Rosie gets more attention on this show than the actual castmember.
Kathy is frustrated that Rosie is fighting her battles but admits she would appreciate "more support". Teresa is predictably unapologetic about what she calls Kathy's "'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia' moment" (hilarious metaphor by the way!). Clearly Teresa considers herself "Marcia" to Kathy's "Jan". And by the way, Kathy vs. Milania: Milania wins. I could not agree more!
Finally the group horses around over cocktails. Proving that through his tears he can still act like a horses ass, Juicy pretends to be the horse while Poison hops on. In the middle of the fun, Teresa decides to do a healing exercise with Jacqueline that involves writing. Basically Jacqueline will do all the writing while Teresa talks: the usual.
They head outside where I missed every thing they said because I was distracted by Jacqueline's BumpIt! malfunction. Do not drink and do hair. Warning, do not drink and do hair.
Eventually they each pretend to be a horse and clean gunk out of each other's hooves (wedge sandals). I took that to mean they're friends again since there was a hug, a long rambling definition of karma and some tears. I don't believe it though because no true friend would let you appear on national television with that wackadoodle hair. A real friend tells you your bouffant is askew and hands you a mirror to fix it.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID MELISSA AND TERESA IGNORE THE HORSE THERAPY OUT OF FEAR? ARE TERESA AND JACQUELINE TRULY FRIENDS AGAIN?
BumpIt! malfunction alert… On the bright side, Teresa's hair looked considerably better this episode. She probably made Jacqueline's look bad on purpose!