When Melissa Gorga "wrote" (as in scrawled with pink glitter pen in her trusty Lisa Frank Trapperkeeper) her book Love Italian Style about keeping your marriage
to a poison-shrouded mini oaf hot and sexy, she had no idea that some of her very traditional, shall we say, advice may be called out as disrespectful. I mean it works for Melissa right – she gets to keep POISON! GAAAAAAG
Among the beliefs Melissa espouses, one central theme is: "Husbands want their wives to submit; wives want our husbands to dominate." That is a direct quote from her book. And husbands want to dominate in all aspects of the marriage – from sex, to the home, their wife's wardrobe!
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Says Melissa on being married, "I used to want to hold onto my independence, even after we got married." But she since has realized that respect means doing whatever your man wants and following his rules. Sounds fun!
Someone might look at Joe and think, "Chauvinist pig." He sounds like one sometimes! They might look at me and think, "Throwback." The way I see it, Joe is cleaning up messes at work all day long—things you can't wipe up with a sponge. That's his job. It's my job to clean up spilled milk. I just do it. There is simply no point to arguing about something that requires all of five seconds of my time and next to zero energy.
In our marriage, Joe is always the man, doing masculine things. I'm the woman, and I do the female things, including housework.
In case you're wondering "masculine things" include appearing on a reality show arguing over petty nonsense, screaming, gossiping, and "throwing down in bed."
Chiming in throughout the book to consent that hellz yeah, husbands gots to dominate their wives, is Joe Gorga. Our poison-loving man, strokes his shoe polish beard and tells readers that women want their men to overpower them. Apparently when you're Joe, no means yes and all that antiquated stuff!
Joe's views on sex:
Men, I know you think your woman isn't the type who wants to be taken. But trust me, she is. Every girl wants to get her hair pulled once in a while. If your wife says "no," turn her around, and rip her clothes off. She wants to be dominated.
Women don't realize how easy men are. Just give us what we want.
I want Joe Gorga to go. away. Forever.
In response, Jezebel decrees, "That is rape and it is insane that it got past the publisher." They also describe Melissa's book as "basically just a transcription of the 'education' that he's given her." The "he" being Joe.
An example of some of that 'education':
His style was to make corrections and to teach me from the beginning days of our marriage exactly how he envisioned our life together. Joe always says, "You got to teach someone to walk straight on the knife. If you slip, you're going to get cut."
Even if something didn't bother him that badly, he'd bring it up. He wanted to make sure that I knew, for example, if I ran out to CVS and he came home from work to an empty house, he didn't like it. He'd call me and say, "I don't care if you're out all day long. But I don't want to come home to an empty house."
Joe says no matter who works harder, or earns more money the wife better have dinner on the table and a clean house. "If a man comes home and there's no dinner on the table, and his wife is on the phone, watching TV, or on the computer ignoring him, he won't feel respected." Also, real men don't change diapers or feed babies.
Sometimes though Joe gets mad. And when Joe gets mad, drama happens!
Melissa's tips on how to manipulate Joe and soothe over marital issues with her trusty bedroom skills:
In the beginning, Joe wanted to have sex every single day, at least once, if not twice or three times…If I didn't give it to him once a day, he'd get upset.
I can do something that pisses him off on a Monday, but if we had sex on Sunday night, it blows over more easily. But if we haven't done it for two days and I give him attitude? It could be a huge fight.
Happy guys let more go. Issues get brushed off. Quickies count. Say what you want, but it's the truth.
And according to Melissa, happy guys have hot and submissive wives! Wives who spend a lot of time keeping themselves groomed, in shape and available to their man's every whim.
Pretty sure that's called being a concubine, but whatevs!
[A] woman needs to keep herself in shape. She has to be seductive. She must be willing to try new things for her husband's pleasure and her own. And, most important, she has to be available for sex.
DRESS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN. I also aspire to be eye candy for my husband.
There's real passionate sex and maintenance sex. You need them both for a healthy marriage. Maintenance sex keeps the wheels greased, the lines of communication open, and the fights to a minimum.
Oh and hot wives NEVER poop
but that's cause they NEVER eat!
Girls don't poop. Me, never have. Never will. It just doesn't happen. Or, that's what Joe thinks! We've been married for nine years, and he has never once seen or smelled my business. How have I pulled this off? I don't do it when he's around or awake. In an emergency, I have my ways of pooping so he won't hear, smell, or see. It's a challenge.
I'm thinking Melissa uses the playroom bathroom for "emergency evacuations". You know, the faux-marble sink catastrophe!
Among Joe's commendable features, Melissa cites his honesty, encouragement, and his passion. Passion that often leads to tantrums! So we've seen… #RHONJChristeningFromHell
Honesty can be flattering or instructive. It can also be brutal. When a man asks his wife to dress better or lose a few pounds, it can seem rude. I don't take comments like that as insults. Honesty is always a compliment. When Joe speaks his truth, he's giving me credit that I'm secure enough in myself to take constructive criticism.
On his temper:
If he gets one ounce of flack from me, he flips a switch and goes off. I know it's not really about me, so I don't get riled up. I supposed I could get angry back him for getting the bulk end of his problems. But then again, that's what a spouse is for. You get to release your stress on someone you trust, who you know won't hold it against you. He'd like to yell at a colleague, client, or employee. But he yells at me and doesn't screw up a business deal. I can take it.
The cure to all Joe's outbursts is sexytimes – anytime, anywhere. Even in a public bathroom on national television. Here's how to nicely thwart sex:
Even when I'm exhausted and not really in the mood, if it means a lot to Joe that we connect physically, I'll say, "I'm not so into it tonight, but let's go."
If it's a hard "no," I try to be nice about it. Don't swat him away, or say with a tone, "Leave me alone!" Eventually he will leave you alone at more than you wish he would.
And even though you aren't in the mood, you should still pretend you really, really, really want it! According to Joe, wives who don't initiate sex get cheated on. "The ugliest girl in the world could come on to a man in that state of mind, and he might have to go for it," Joe advises. "He thinks, At least someone wants me."
And Melissa agrees! She says wives who don't act like "puttanas" (whores) in the bedroom encourage their husbands hang out in strip clubs or seek out real-live whores! Ummmm… uuuuuhhhhh… sooooo… yeah.
Well girls – if you want love Italian style, here you go! Just let your man tell you what to do all the time. Personally I don't believe this is what their marriage is really like… I dunno, Melissa seems like she really knows how to work Poison over to get what she wants. At least according to Teresa Giudice!
**Disclaimer: The views and concerns expressed by Jezebel do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of Reality Tea or its writers. We are simply reporting on a news item that is circulating currently.
All transcripts courtesy of Jezebel.
[Photo Credit: Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images]
TELL US – MELISSA'S ADVICE: SILLY NONSENSE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY OR INDICATION OF A SERIOUSLY UNHEALTHY MARRIAGE?