Last night on Real Housewives of Miami silicone hit the fan between Marysol Patton and Lea Black. That old storyline again! This time the ladies were arguing over whether or not Lea ignored Mama Elsa while she was in the hospital.
Joanna Krupa and Romain finally had a breakthrough in their relationship. Adriana de Moura continued to be insane by insisting her wedding guests dress pure and innocent as angels, newborn fawns, and daisies at her sham re-wedding, which is anything but fresh as the first snow.
Joanna has Lisa Hochstein over for dinner. Joanna doesn't cook or use dishes so she serves sushi and soup out of the restaurant takeout boxes. I was getting the BPA heebie-jeebies watching them drink miso out of the big plastic cartons. The food doesn't really matter since the wine is the main course.
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Joanna's too busy for etiquette cause she's been putting all her energy into a "Find The Hole" sex calendar, which she prominently displays like a kid's artwork. Basically S-E-X everyday and a blowjob on the wedding night for an extra treat. Over wine-er Fembot and Joanna talk sex – Lisa is an "expert" so she demonstrates to Romain by leaping on Joanna, dry humping her leg and grabbing her boobies. I think she may have licked her face. Lisa also volunteers to come over and watch them do it to critique what's wrong.
Oh yeah and Joanna finally asks Lisa to be her bridesmaid.
Joanna and Romain revisit the sex therapist and we finally get to the bottom of what's wrong. Romain's parents divorced when he was young and he went to live with his dad, not his mom. No one told him why either. His first step-mother was abusive and he had no mother figure. He wants Joanna to be feminine instead of getting wasted and demanding he "do her". Joanna cried hearing Romain's story. Was anyone else shocked she didn't already know this?
Moving on from those two, Adriana is making the number one social gaffe of all times! She sent e-vites as her wedding invitations! Yep – she sent EMAIL WEDDING INVITATIONS. Somewhere Martha Stewart's head is rupturing. Included in the e-vites are mood boards instructing the guests of what to wear and informing them of the mid-show outfit change.
Marysol visits Alexia Echevarria at her office where they download the invite, complain about the stupidity, and after a lengthy session on Alexia's silver tinfoil sofa, decide that Marysol should discuss the absurdity of the dress code with Adriana. I think Fembot needs the silver sofa for her new sex therapy venture; it's probably water resistant!
Later Marysol, Lauren Foster (wearing a dress that had a band-aid looking applique over her pretend hoo-ha), and Adriana go get something called IV cocktails. A vitamin infusion through an IV that's supposed to make you look younger. GROOOSSS… After getting IV'd up, chugging some wine (does that defeat the purpose?), Marysol confronts Adriana about the dress code and Adriana flips. It's her wedding and she'll inconvenience everyone if she wants to! Now put on that Great Gatsby dress and shut it - or no wine for you!
Then she forces Frederic to get Botox cause he needs a touch-up for the big day. He looks exactly the same. Dealing with Adriana gives you worry and frown lines that no amount of chemical or IV interventions could solve!
It turns out Fembot gets to have an orgasm after all this episode because Lea delivers her new Birkin. This cements their friendship for all eternity. Lea jokes that she's training Fembot to be the next generation Lea Black in the Lea Black Institute of Fabulosity And Fauxness. Fembot is an eager student. So eager that at Alexia's birthday party she totally goes to bat for Lea against Marysol and perpetual hanger-on Ana Quincoces.
Before that happens Alexia and Lea get together for her birthday, but Alexia put it best when she explained Lea was using her to sell her skincare, cause she gave Alexia a kit then proceeded to demo it for 45 minutes while Alexia's eyes glazed over (Bravo Home Shopping Network). Lea says she's been in the skincare business since the 80's, but now she's taking it more seriously. Subtext: she sold Avon.
Alexia is annoyed. I mean, all she wanted to do was take Lea to task for not reaching out to Elsa in the hospital. Foiled again because Lea has an email proving she reached out to Marysol. She insists she sent both cards and flowers.
At the party Adriana attempts to start drama with Fembot over being in Joanna's wedding, but Fembot transfixes her with the promise of a new boob job and Adriana agrees Joanna can have her sloppy second bridesmaid. She still thinks Lisa is a "double agent". And it turns out so does Marysol!
As Lea arrives Marysol immediately launches on her for not visiting Elsa. Lea claims Marysol never revealed Elsa had a stroke only that she fell, so Lea had no idea the severity of the situation. Marysol insists Lea knew. Lea swans off, but Marysol again accosts her in the elevator lobby. Marysol called Lea a liar and a hypocrite; claims she used her mom and you know – the same old jazz. Lea believes they are trying to make her look bad and that Marysol intentionally withheld the truth about Elsa's condition from her.
Lea flees with real tears but Lisa stays behind to defend her Birki-buddy! Marysol tells her to stay out of it since she doesn't know the truth. Then Ana "Condescending" Quin-whatever accuses Lisa of being Lea's mouthpiece. When Fembot denies it, Ana accuses her of stealing her words. 'Well, well… well – you SUCK!' Lisa rebuttals realizing she can't win. She goes home to dream about Romain whilst stroking her Birkin.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID LEA KNOW ABOUT ELSA'S CONDITION BUT IGNORE HER OR IS MARYSOL TRYING TO MAKE LEA LOOK BAD? E-VITES FOR THE WEDDING: SAVING TREES OR TACKY. AS. HELL.?