Last night on Real Housewives of New York, Bookgate was in full-swing. Did Carole Radziwill use a ghostwriter as Aviva Drescher claims? Or maybe Aviva has just been talking to ghosts and getting haunted information?
Aviva invites Carole to lunch to discuss books, which really become a war of the words and over words and who wrote them. Aviva started out as a fangirl who took her obsession a little too far. She's currently boiling Carole's bunny slipper in a pot of water to make pasta. For some reason Aviva has an obsession with Carole eating pasta.
Aviva whips out a pair of glasses and says she SWF'd Carole's look. I think she was making a joke. Carole thinks she was making a threat – to both her sense of style and her livelihood. "Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Flattery is the sincerest form of flattery," Carole corrects. Aviva did not get the memo. For a "writer" she has trouble reading between the lines. Maybe Carole should have used a ghostwriter?
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They start this sort of awkward dance of insulting each other but trying to act like they're just asking questions. Aviva compares writing her memoir to writing "a long email" and claims she wrote it all by herself. Then she wonders if Carole wrote her book unassisted. "Did you use a ghostwriter," Aviva probes. Carole says no.
Carole and Aviva should be sporting matching creepy flattery-not-stalking sunglasses to deal with all the shade they were throwing! It was a lot of back-n-forth about how Aviva is not really a writer while Carole has been a writer for 20 years. About how writing is so easy – so fun! – just ask Aviva, cause she like wrote her book in one day, on vacation, using hieroglyphics, and now it's headed to print. Both ladies leave insulted.
The next day, Ramona Singer makes a pilgrimage to the wine store. Aviva meets her there under the pretense of choosing poisons for her housewarming party (because Aviva herself isn't poisonous enough), but the real intent is to talk about how Carole's entire professional identity is allegedly a lie!
Aviva purports that not only did Carole use a ghostwriter (some guy named Bill) for her (highly-acclaimed) memoir What Remains, but she also had her novel rejected by Aviva's publishing house on the grounds that it needed a total over-haul. Aaaand Carole is a condescending bitch! In fact, Aviva found a bottle of wine with Carole's name on it. It was called "Bitch Wine" – it was bright pink. It is not part of the Pinot Singer Collection.
Heather meets Aviva for mani/pedis and to figure out what exactly Aviva is saying about Carole and her career. I don’t know much about Carole’s career. I just know she’s written Oprah-praised stuff, vacationed with Kennedys, and kissed George Clooney – which definitely matters in my book. She certainly didn’t boff Harry Dubin, although maintaining Harry Dubin is probably a career in itself. I’m sure it’s covered in the very, long email also known as Aviva’s “book”.
Aviva explains that her book is kind of about her leg and that her audience is anyone. And although it was an intrepid task, she did not have a ghostwriter. Just a team. "It takes a village to write a book," she recites to a dubious Heather who reveals that she reads a lot of biographies. Biographies all written with the aid of a ghostwriter. Heather, being Heather, starts giving Aviva advice on her book. A pissy Aviva declares that next time she wants advice on "fat-binding pantyhose" she'll ask Heather. Someone please tell Aviva that like water, wine, and ghostwriters, fat-binding pantyhose are a necessity. #HeirarchyOfNeed
Putting #BookGate aside, Heather goes over to Kristen's. Kristen says she tries to be the best mom she can be – all with the constant assistance of a nanny. Heather talks about her son's liver transplant. She emphasizes the importance of organ donation – and it was inspiring. Kristen's daughter is 17-months-old and not walking so she needs to wear special braces. Kristen is worried. Kristen's face still moves. Good for her!
Sonja Morgan used to live the fabulous life but now she gets by on the dregs of it. She’s been looking amazing lately, probably because she’s saving money by giving up food and subsisting on wine and dinners paid for by dates. Sonja’s life is fancy until you look close and realize the Chanel is colored in with a Sharpie that almost matches. Aviva will probably accuse Sonja of using a ghostwriter to scribble on the Chanel.
Let’s discuss the allure of Sonja. She’s the $25,000 rug with bald patches – why let a good thing go to waste? Just pretend you hadn’t noticed it and hire an intern to stand in that spot. Or buy a bunch of fabric Sharpies to color it in. Something tells me that’s gonna be Sonja’s newest venture – screw Saudi Arabian perfume deals.
Sonja invites Kristen over to spray tan in the little booth she has strategically placed over the water damaged corner of the townhouse. Sonja makes Kristen strip naked while she stares her up and down like she’s appraising a piece of art. Doesn’t Sonja just need to start a high-class escort service? I truly believe it’s her destiny. Then she can have a screenplay ghostwritten about her life and sell it to Lifetime. Next season’s drama will be over which “author” pens it: Aviva, extraordinary emailer or Carole, award-winning memoirist who possibly can't write.
Aviva moves into her new two-story apartment and Harry comes over to drop off their son Harrison. His orange spray tan clashes horribly with the yellow wallpaper Aviva has chosen, which clashes horribly with the woodwork. Harry tells her he's having a date with Sonja. Proving she is her father's daughter Aviva asks – right in front of her son! – if Harry and Sonja are "f–kbuddies."
Sonja goes on her lascivious date with Harry. She looked great, they seem very well-matched, they certainly enjoy the sexual innuendos. Good for them!
Aviva hosts a housewarming party. There is nothing warm about this house, this party, or this hostess. All the ladies come – even Carole who wants to ghostwrite Aviva out of her life. Heather is dressed like a drunk fortune teller and looks like she hasn't slept in days. Aviva continues with her tour of slandering Carole's career. Kristen pointblank tells Aviva she does not believe the ghostwriter accusations – no matter what "information" Aviva has gleaned from "her" publishing house. Ramona is guzzling gossip and pinot.
Aviva is strangely entertaining people in her master bedroom – I think there was a bar in there. Even weirder somehow Aviva, Reid, Sonja, and Harry find themselves in the master bedroom and Aviva still has the same bed from when she was married to Harry. Ramona describes the scene as awkward, and if Ramona finds it skeevy imagine how the rest of us feel!
Then Ramona sidles over to Carole to let her know that Aviva is besmirching her reputation. Carole immediately goes to confront Aviva while Ramona spontaneously combusts with glee over the ruckus she has caused.
Carole asks Aviva about the rumors she is spreading and is flabbergasted by the lies. Aviva is annoyed that Carole is missing the point. She is frustrated that Carole is being unkind and focusing on gossip, all while Aviva acts unkind to Carole and keeps repeating gossip…
Aviva keeps stating that since Carole has only written one book that seems to mean she's not a real writer. It was ridiculous.
Eventually Carole compares Aviva's writing to spaceships and apples and says her only career has been raising kids, while she has spent 20 years honing a craft WITHOUT a ghostwriter. I don't know what to make of it, but I do not believe Carole used a ghostwriter and I do believe Aviva used one. I've read their full catalog of Housewives blogs as substantiating evidence.
TELL US – DID CAROLE USE A GHOSTWRITER?