Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County relationships exploded! Vicki Gunvalson got iced out by Briana, Heather Dubrow got iced out by the group, and Shannon Beador continued to fight toxins without a licensed therapist.
We're still at Shannon's dinner party and tensions are running high. I blame Shannon and her non-organic vodka and her totally toxic marriage, despite the efforts of radiation detectors. Where's the detector that detects the bad vibes Shannon radiates?! She's got everyone gripping their knives for protection and wondering when the next onslaught is going to come. At least the food was good – everyone talks about the food – and the house.
Heather is most on edge of all. Fancy Pants doesn't like the new girl with her shi-shi-shi house giving her a run for her fancy pants money. To assert her crown Heather starts taking it out on the little people. She tells Vicki to hush (which finally, somebody did!) and stop interrupting while Shannon tells her Unhappily Married Support Group opener about how she was the girl who could never be alone and then she married David because well, he said hey!
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And maybe the sex was good because Shannon knew her parents wouldn't approve of his blue collar roots and she was rebelling, but now Shannon is married to vodka which she mixes with the tears of her own bitter unhappiness as she hopes Dr. Moon can spin his Twister spindle over her abdomen until he lands on yellow which everyone knows is the happy love color. But alas, until then… it's bitching over baked chicken and pretending to hate each other less than you do in front of the company until everyone leaves and you retreat to the secret tea room to swill vodka out of Pottery Barn Kids teacups and sleep on the Frozen sleeping bag. But the food was good. And there's basketball!
Shannon gives the girls the tour which descends into drunken basketball. Shannon drops her vodka lemon and dispatches the maids to cleanup. Heather supervises because well, Heather supervises. But it makes her feel a little bit like the help, and it reminds her of high school where she was watching the fun kids from the sidelines because Mommy Dubrow would punish her if she got her dress dirty. Tamra Barney yells about Heather and sticks up her ass, which is far too indelicate and messy for Fancy Pants.
After basketball Shannon and Tamra decide to do a shot. Tamra lies down on the Shannon's countertop where it's cool and soothing and helps her head stop spinning so Shannon can dish out some holistic hangover cure. Eeeew – drunk old people! Tamra crowns Shannon a member of the "Fun Bus". Heather lurks in the corner where the fun bus doesn't stop. Heather feels so alone. Heather better install a BB court at the new mansion!
Tamra tells Heather she's taking the morning after pill and Heather is all set to lecture her about safe sex when she snarks that Tamra's tubes are tied – and good riddance to those ovaries. Then Heather corners Eddie to revenge inform him that Tamra is trying to trap him with a baby – even though he doesn't want kids. Eddie is furious that Heather is in their business and Tamra is spilling deeply personal details to her made-for-TV friends.
Heather and Terry leave on the Boring Bus – Terry looks wistfully at the party as Heather yanks him away by a Chanel leash. Terry – NOW! She snaps as he holds her coat and wishes just once – just. once. – he'd have married a Tamra instead of a Heather. They depart to the sounds of WOO HOOs and Shannon complaining to David that his sense of humor sucks.
In the limo Heather calls them all shitty friends and wants them all to be replaced by porcelain dolls she can dress-up, manipulate, and boss around. With Heather gone, Vicki invites everyone to a fakes-giving, a pre-Thanksgiving celebration at her house. Because days before eating the world's largest meal you need to eat another one? Huh?
Vicki visits Briana and they have a 'talk' about her choices and by that I mean, Briana tries to reign in Vicki's love tank by telling her it's OK to be alone sometimes. Did her testy dinner party at Shannon's teach her nothing? Vicki says Donn was a great husband but their communication was terrible and it ruined things. Apparently her communication with Brooks, which happens exclusively through greeting cards and Facebook e-card quotes is considerably better… Briana says she'll never change her opinion about Brooks and thinks he is emotionally abusive. Vicki freaks out. On one note I think Briana is way too involved in her mom's romantic life, but on the other hand I think Vicki makes terrible decisions with her love life and needs someone to call her out.
Vicki hosts fakes-giving where she serves everyone a Botox turkey that's had a facelift. Kidding – she actually cooks and it looks delicious. She even makes giblet gravy which leaves Shannon dry-heaving. Doesn't she know how many nutrients and collagen are in giblets? C'mon missy-miss organica. I really enjoy seeing the ladies cook for themselves instead of hiring a caterer and it was cute to see them all in Vicki's kitchen doing Housewifey things together. Here's a Brooks-approved e-card to sum up the situation, "I always have wine in my kitchen, and sometimes I even cook with it!"
Vicki is baby-sitting Troy while Briana and Ryan are at a Marine Ball so he's crawling around getting into everything. Shannon only cringed slightly when Vicki whipped out a Tupperware container (cause BPA and all that). Then Vicki complained to her about how Heather tries to micro-manage their friendship and won't let anyone be themselves because she thinks Vicki and Tamra are beneath her. Which, ummm… I mean, kinda. At least in terms of behavior.
Dinner goes well, everyone has fun, Michael made an appearance (does he need money this season?), and the food actually looked really yummy.
Tamra decides she needs to confront Heather about her snobbiness, which is progress because usually she would just try to destroy her with vicious insults and compromising situations in forced Housewife situations. She consults with Vicki who warns Tamra she'd never win in a fight against Heather.
Heather and Tamra go out for lunch and it starts out with them bickering in true Housewife fashion about who is the worse friend, but miraculously (scarily) Tamra tells Heather she likes her and wants to maintain their friendship so they should let this petty stuff go. Huh? Am I watching a reality show on Bravo? Are these two real friends? What twilight zone has Cohen shoved me into? Apocalypse Now! Pass the booze. Hmmm… well, I'll take it.
Then Tamra invites Heather to new Housewife Danielle Gregorio's 'Ugly Sweater' party (why are housewives so behind the times, but presenting as if they're cutting edge). Heather rejects the 'ugly sweater' Tamra has selected for her and calls Hermes to enquire about their vintage archives from the 80's – have they anything from the Christmas Collection? They advise her to check Moschino, so she does.
Next week we'll also finally meet other newbie Lizzie Rovsek, who joins the league of Housewives who can't hold their liquor. Not everyone is a WASP like Shannon!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
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