When Kelly’s voice goes to that decibel of extreme whininess I imagine that dogs everywhere go into a trance and start walking, zombie-like, towards the TV screen. Frisker – go to a new master!
What even was last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County? Certainly not Vicki Gunvalson‘s welcome back redemption tour because the very second she walks into a scene things explode. It’s because Vicki never learns!! In between chasing Kelly Dodd around a party and begging Kelly for an opportunity to talk, Vicki is simultaneously doubling-down on the accusation that Kelly does cocaine. Now she knows people who have done it with Kelly. Produce these people!
See this is the thing about Vicki: she always makes some off-the-wall accusation – who knows, maybe it is true [shrug-moji] – then immediately regrets it. Not because Vicki feels bad, but because of social repercussions. Then instead of being contrite; instead of calling Kelly on the phone to sincerely apologize, then making it publicly known that the accusation wasn’t true, Vicki just pretends it will blow over. Meanwhile Vicki will continue to insist she’s not a liar and make little comments reinforcing her original statement. As if repeating it will make it true. Then even worse, Vicki only wants to apologize to save her own faces. What face is Vicki on at this point?
Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County Season 14, aka a year without Vicki Gunvalson; a year of living OG-less. We know Vicki will show up eventually, but it’s almost like a mirage that we got through an entire episode with nary a “Whoop It Up!” or a “Woo Hoo!” I sort of have the vapors and need to lie down … in a blissful sleep of fulfilled dreams.
I’ve been saying for years that Real Housewives Of Orange County needs to do a casting shake-up, and break the stranglehold of Vicki and Tamra Judge, whose dysfunctional frienemyship has dominated in a really detrimental way. Personally, I think Tamra would’ve been the one to fire since she is always playing producer and a large part of her antics are purely ‘for the show.’ Vicki is too clueless and lacking in self-awareness to self-produce, which makes for more authentic everything. I mean, this is a woman who gave us Brooks Ayers faking cancer on national television whereas Tamra has given us… facelifts and Ryan Vieth? Maybe next season they should rotate in Vicki full-time, but drop Tamra? Gotta test all the variables of your experiment, right?!
For now, see you on the flip side, Vicks!
Last night was part three of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion. Which means this bizarre season is finally over. Part 3 was all about Shannon Beador, as pretty much every part of everything is. As Shannon said, “I’m sorry for being me me me me me!”
Is Shannon crazy? Is Shannon an emotional wreck? Are the voices in Shannon’s head actually Tamra Judge reading a script from David Beador‘s iPhone on how to manipulate and condescend Shannon into a meltdown? #yes
But first a Kelly Dodd montage! Kelly is dating, dating, dating and ignoring
Jolie who Michael Dodd is dating. But Vicki Gunvalson isn’t! Obviously, she is very invested in what is going on in Michael’s life.
Part one of the reunion ended with Kelly Dodd screaming into the phone and crying. Part 2 opened with Vicki Gunvalson apologizing for repeating a rumor she heard about Kelly using cocaine. While that is all nice and good, we know that Vicki’s apology is as sincere as the one Kelly gave for calling Vicki a “pig” and a “fat ass.” Shannon, however, ermerges as the unlikely voice of reason when she points out that the negativity and tit for tat is really hitting too low and isn’t making either woman feel (or look) good. And no amount of plastic surgery erases a bad attitude!
Left to her own devices without editing or intervention Vicki Gunvalson will always shoot herself in the foot, then still try to put on heels and hobble away. Last night’s segment of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was the perfect example of Vicki at her most Vicki-ness. Reunion part 1 was also way better than anything we’d seen all season.
The most important part of any reunion is to dissect the outfits. First of all, Shannon Beador looks great! I don’t know if it’s the glowy spray tan indicating a break from Dr. Moon‘s holistic practices of wiping Shannon’s entire body in tan resistant mineral powders to ward of surface level UV free radicals, or the 30lb weight loss, or finally shedding her toxic friendship with Tamra Judge, but Shannon looks better than we’ve seen her in years. THIS is the divorced Shannon we were craving all season!
That was the most boring finale of Real Housewives Of Orange County like ever. I’m not kidding when I say I dozed off as Gina Kirschenigiveup was droning on about how she’s just trying to be a ‘good fweind” to Shannon Beador. I didn’t even wake up when she talked about owning boots that magically impregnate people!
Look here’s the thing: at this point trying to center a whole season around whether or not Shannon is nuts is a moot point. It’s like the most rhetorical question ever asked of the Real Housewives universe. It’s such a DUH that it’s like asking a 45-year-old if they believe in Santa. Or if wine should be included in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County it was a reversal of the status quo. The Tres Amiga’s took their party hats off to stay home in pant hose. Gina Kirschencasita celebrated her 34th birthday with a depressing party filled with tarnished sequins.
Gina is officially moving into the casita when Matt Kirschenheiter visits their kids. This makes it, like, for real you guys. It’s time for her to grow up and, like, look at the like bank statements for the first time in her entire life. Kelly Dodd, Gina’s divorce guru, helps her cart baskets full of HomeGoods throw pillows and cheap blankets to the part-time living arrangement. It’s sort of like moving into a college dorm!