RHOC Recap

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County was jam-packed, wasn’t it? It went from a literal brawl over Shane of all things, to laughing and crying, and in between people were dating, divorcing, apologizing, and maybe even dating people who are using them for their money! People were also getting their livers probed by an alien from planet moon fingers. Which is perfect because Gina Kirscheheiter literally always looks like a character on Star Trek.

Tamra Judge is in her room, drawing hearts on her ankle boot or something when downstairs Gina is literally wrestling Kelly Dodd and Emily Simpson apart. Over Gina’s head, Emily screams “I’ll kill you!” I mean, it’s only warranted because Kelly called Emily’s husband, Shane, a “prick” a “pussy” and a “twerp” among others.

Dramy, dramy, dram-dramzs on last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County. So Emily Simpson was really glad that after all the rumors, speculation, and gossip Shane could come to Tamra Judge‘s party, be his best Mormon self, and everyone would get to know ‘the real Shane.’  Except The Real Shane(TM) turned out to be kinda worse than the Shane of everyone’s imagination. This is gonna go either one of two ways here, kids: Emily will find herself divorced, or her happy marriage will cost her the show next season!

This episode might as well have been titled The Real HouseHUSBANDS, because it was about bad husbands or lack thereof from start to finish. After our two week hiatus, we’re still on the golf course celebrating Vicki Gunvalson‘s 400th birthday. This day has more fits and starts than Vicki’s ever-evolving face. Suddenly Shanon Beador was storming away from the lunch table because Tamra “doesn’t care” about Shannon’s opinion.

How did the biggest storyline on Real Housewives Of Orange County become whether or not it’s “concerning” that Emily Simpson‘s toadstool of a husband (Shoadstool) is controlling? Are they really breaking golf etiquette over a teetotaler with angst over women having fun? I mean, technically, no; technically what they’re really fighting over is Shannon Beador being a bad friend to Tamra Judge.

Which is karma considering all the years Tamra has been practicing a particular brand of bad religion on everyone. What they’re really fighting over is how Tamra is sick of being good. Even Vicki Gunvalson, desperate to become Mrs. Steve Stupendously Staid And Boring, is letting her down, but she’s not allowed to fight with Vicki anymore…  And what is it they say: Well behaved women rarely make things fun?

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was a lesson in marital “How Don’ts.” An exhibit of the worst kinds of marriages and men: The exes of Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador, the Davids, the Simons, and now the Shane’s… Oh my! Emily Simpson may have joined this show thinking her quirkily unconventional G-Chat love story was a modern day romance of surrogacy and women who earn equally to men, but one wrong outburst and the house of Hallmark cards came crumbling down on national TV. Shane should’ve known better than to join this show – after all, he hates loud women.

While some of us (ahem, David) think Shannon is too much to handle, she’s just getting started! Which means launching a low-fat food business on QVC so we can all continue on the “weight journey” with her. If eating like Shannon gives you Shannon’s life, I’ll stick to eating cookies! 

If there’s one thing Kelly Dodd learned on last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County it’s that when you bet on a friendship with Vicki Gunvalson, you always lose!

We also got a big dose of the new girls last night. While Emily Simpson seems sweet, almost too normal, that Gina Cantevenbebotherwithwhatsherlastname is, well, to be frank, annoying as f–k! Since we know Gina is a New Yawker who tells it like it is and doesn’t hold back or hang around “pusses,” I think she’d be fine with my assessment of her personality.

Doubly annoying is Gina’s constant comparison of New York vs. OC. As if everyone in Orange County is a backstabbing, judgmental, harlot (there are) out to destroy her tender, open-heart (they are), but girl… please – we have all seen Real Housewives Of New York! We know Ramona Singer, and the likes of her are as judgmental as they come. We also know that Gina wouldn’t last one cocktail in that cesspool of rabid cougars.

Just when I thought there was going to be a season of everyone getting along on Real Housewives Of Orange County, enter two new girls and the fatuous ego of one Vicki Gunvalson who will not understand human relationships no matter how many zillions of times it makes her Housewives reunions a living hell.

The so-called Three Amigas are banned back from Mexico worse for the wear, but they’re cemented by friendship bracelets (we saw how well those worked out the last time!) and added a dance to their lineup that’s essentially a hokeypokey with hip thrust – perfect for these three in denial cheeseballs. Tamra Judge is especially bad off. She went from a hot glam’ma to a deflated scooter-wielding spring break failure. It’s like a Tina Fey movie where the uncool girl who never got to do spring break goes back as a chaperone in her 40’s. At least Tamra has Vicki to push her around to all the hot docs in OC. Vicki was everyone’s mama this episode, wasn’t she? Like getting that slap in the face that Gina Kirchenwallerhallerdingdong is the same age as Briana – and just as opinionated about Vicki’s boondoggles! Youngins today – no respect for their elders…

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County redefined naked wasted. It was the Golden Girls meets The Hangover and Tamra Judge baptized herself in tequila and got a broken foot for her sins.

I apologize in advance if this recap makes no sense – I guzzled two glasses of wine to cope with the second-hand embarrassment of all the shenanigans and now I feel like Tamra in a hot tub at 2 am: completely lacking in judgement and doing slip and sad reminiscent of an 80’s rock video back when MTV and Tamra were young and their misbehavior funny.

It’s always nice when the RHOC take us out of the church to remind us that no Housewife, no matter how much she protests, can ever truly turn her back on her satanic impulses. Where there be tequila, there be whoop it up and a turn to temptation that delivers Tamra straight back to evil. There’s a certain relief in such consistency, but I applaud Tamra for trying to pretend she wants to do the right thing (no I don’t. I’m over her fake Christian routine, although I am glad she has Eddie whom she seems to sincerely love and cherish.) 

I may not know much about the Bible but I do know about the rules and regulations of being a Real Housewife. So I know that Housewivesomy, Bravobial Truths states Thou Shall Honor Girl Code Above All Else. For some reason, for all Vicki Gunvason‘s learning about how the botoxed and manicured hearts and half-witted minds of her species works, she cannot take this to heart. So that is how it goes on The Real Housewives Of Orange County – the same tide that washes in good intentions taketh them away.

However, even in the real world, many cameras and storylines removed from anything touched by Andy Cohen or the dark waters climbing up the spiral staircase leading to Kelly Dodd‘s mid-century un-modern denial, it is bad form – very very bad form – to start double-dating with your friend’s ex-husband WITHOUT TELLING HER. How are we expected to believe that even Vicki is this stupid? Hasn’t she learned from Shannon Beador and Tamra Judge that involving herself in anyone’s marriage, or the disintegrating lack thereof, only leads down the path to H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks!