There’s been many a times I’ve suffered second-hand embarrassment while watching a Real Housewives show, but last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was officially THE WORST. I was literally blowing a metaphorical whistle at the TV as I witnessed Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Tamra Judge‘s dry-humping. Too much tongue is often a problem on Bravo, but usually in a very different way.
Tamra has the brilliant idea to take a train down to Del Mar, fill plastic penises with vodka, and pass out train conductor whistles to celebrate Shannon Beador‘s 55th birthday party. Cause nothing says middle-age like a drunken orgy!
This trip has historical significance for several reasons: 1) Del Mar is Shannon’s old haunt, from back when she was “fun Shannon,” chugging Andre champagne and stalking surfer dudes; 2) It references the train rumor that so plagued Kelly Dodd‘s indefatigable reputation; 3) Meghan King Edmonds is attending for some unknown reason.
Last night most of the Real Housewives Of Orange County finally escaped Arizona. All that so-called healing got left in Arizona though. In fact the only person who seemed to internalize anything was Kelly Dodd, who also got left behind in Arizona.
Kelly visited her hometown of Scottsdale to hopefully reconnect with her family. Fun fact: I went to ASU, and I have been to The Vig countless times! So that was exciting, and this where Kelly and Mary’s similarities end. Because when Kelly lived in Arizona she was getting arrested as a juvenile delinquent for setting the her catholic high school’s field on fire and brawling with old ladies at the Phoenix Open.
Kelly meets up with her BFFs to reminisce about all the times she drunkenly slapped people. Kelly is the very definition of stunted adolescence. She and Jolie live in an unintentionally Freaky Friday world where Jolie is the miniature adult attending board meetings and organizing the meal schedules for the week. If she just took over the finances…
Watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting hit by the Kelly Dodd train. Her emotions were all over the place. I’m not sure if I blame the drinks or the desert, but all’s well that … Well, I don’t want to say “end,” so, “pauses(?) well,” because Kelly and Vicki Gunvalson have forged peace! Tequila for all!
The episode opens with amazing flashbacks. Like I’m watching a Dateline 48 Hours mystery, which is hilarious, because the backwards clock makes me realize it has only been TWENTY-FOUR hours.
What’s even more amusing is that this is a day in the life cycle of Vicki Gunvalson: lie, deny, blame, repeat… Vicki is angry at Kelly for lashing out at her, but Vicki continuously pokes the beehive with her witchy acrylic nail, then cries cancer when she gets stung.
I don’t know who put Real Housewives Of Orange County on Adderall but thank you Tamra Judge‘s Jesus because this season is so good. So much was packed into a 10 hour time period it was like drama sardines.
Shannon Beador is at Urgent Care deciding if she wants to press charges against Kelly Dodd for assault, or assault Kelly with guilt tripping and shaming over the harm she’s done to Shannon’s zen cortex. As if that’s gonna work. HA! Also if the police showed up to question Kelly she would assume they were strippers and start propositioning them.
Being the good friend that she is, Tamra is in the doctor’s office laughing behind her hand. Tamra is thanking herself for all the good work she is doing driving a huge, HUGE wedge between Shannon and Kelly after conniving Shannon her leaking spinal fluid was making her go blind.
Ahhhh… the Shannon Beador show is back on Real Housewives Of Orange County. We all knew this nice, thoughtful, peace-loving Shannon couldn’t last. Somebody moved a leaky faucet to her sanity corner!
Still, you gotta feel bad for Shannon. She tried to plan a relaxing trip to the exclusive Miraval so the women could find peace and serenity (now!), but she’s friends with people like Kelly Dodd and Vicki Gunvalson. So it all went to pot – or should I say, dong. But first, sexxy.
Emily Simpson is headed to Vegas for her dance debut and Braunwyn Windham-Burke is joining her on the PJ.
It’s mommy issues galore on Real Housewives Of Orange County! Can’t nobody raise a child right?!
Let’s start with Gina Kirschenheiter, who must Uber to the birthday party Emily Simpson is throwing for Annabelle. Then Gina gets there so late the Happy Birthday has already been sung. I thought Gina was actually bringing a used car seat as a gift until she revealed that she’s officially unable to drive until her DUI is resolved, and is actually Ubering everywhere.
As the party wraps up, after Gina treats herself to tiger face paint, she and Emily get to talking about… Gina. Which is all they ever talk about! This time Gina is panicked over how close she came to being arrested in her home in front of her children, and how scaring that would be. Emily likens it to the time she had to be taken away in an ambulance. Which pisses Gina off.
Truth and consequences have come to Real Housewives Of Orange County. Everything unfolded when Shannon Beador decided to take Gina Kirschenheiter to LA for a little fun in the California sun, but nothing can keep the storm clouds away. Not even a designer makeover and many glasses of champagne!
You can take the Rail (zing!) Housewives Of Orange County to LA, but you can’t take the tacky Orange County out of them. Leave it Kelly Dodd to throw a big ol’ fit in a fancy restaurant. But to be fair: Kelly was getting it from all ends, just like she says, except it’s not from 8 guys. But, 6 Housewives pulling a train of gossip about her sex life.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Orange County tried to have a Pretty Woman moment by taking the distressed and disorganized Gina Kirschenheiter to Rodeo Drive for a makeover, but it ended in tears, tantrums, and tales of trains gone wrong!
I do not FOR ONE SECOND believe the rumor that Kelly Dodd did a train (is that even how you say it?) of 8 guys. I also refuse to look up the proper terminology for “train,” because I did that last week and now I’m getting some suspicious GoogleAds. So thank you Vicki Gunvalson for once again ruining things for everyone.
The most shocking thing about the Trains, Cars, and Terrible Friends saga is that moments after making this proclamation that she knows something very, very terrible about Kelly, Vicki skips out when the rest of the women head to a bar. Vicki pass up free tequila? HUH?