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RHOC Recap

Real Housewives Of Orange County RHOC Emily Kelly Dodd

If you crammed any more drama, hijinks, meltdowns, and hysterias (and medical issues!) into this episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County I think it would explode a la Kelly Dodd after 2 cocktails and exposure to a snarky meme. Things would just come flying out, every which way, and the only thing that would be left standing amid the rubble would be Tamra Judge and the two giant inflatable jugs she has strapped to her chest as a bullet-proof vest/getaway life raft.

I literally can’t even begin to dissect all the switching animosities and loyalties, but all I have to say is Tamra is masterful at manipulating these women in a tizzy of stupidity. And Kyle Richards thinks Lisa Vanderpump plays chess…  

Kelly Dodd Braunwyn Windham-Burke Tamra Judge Miami Real Housewives Of Orange County

You guys I’m sorry – I am having Thanksgiving fever and 15 houseguests, and I just cannot get it together with the Real Housewives Of Orange County nonsense today.

Tamra Judge and Kelly Dodd are like your mother and your mother-in-law at the same holiday dinner. They’re not gonna speak or look at each other. But, they are going to viciously jab from all corners until it all comes bubbling to the surface over the way to make gravy or something.

Braunwyn Windham-Burke invited all the women to Miami so they can understand her better. Apparently, we’re now defining our personalities by cities, so Braunwyn is a Miami person. In Miami, she liked having sex with her husband, clubbed constantly, and wore skanky clothes to the grocery store. Whereas in Orange County, Braunwyn has to hide her wild side? I don’t get it… How was Braunwyn doing all this partying in between 52 pregnancies, nursing 19 babies, and also well, ostensibly, parenting? We don’t ever get a clear answer about why they left Miami, just like we don’t get a clear answer about why this is the sad-sack trip RHOC got this season. I blame Tamra because I blame her for everything.

Tamra Judge Real Housewives Of Orange County

Well, if there’s one thing a Housewives show doesn’t need more celebration of it’s boobs, although I think Real Housewives Of Orange County gave us the first itineration of celebrating boobs that weren’t just used for sex appeal… that is until Braunwyn Windham-Burke whipped hers out at her No More Nursing fiesta.

The theme of this party made absolutely no sense. It was a boobs bacchanalia with strippers, a nipple cake, and dildos on the wall, but Brauwnyn called it a “weaning party” meant to celebrate the end of nursing after 18 years.

Braunwyn’s entire life is reliving the youth she never got to experience, which is ironic only in that Dr. Debs desperation to capture a thwarted youth is the sole reason why Braunwyn resents and hates her mother. So maybe Braunwyn will go on to have an illustrious career as a plastic surgeon specializing in mommy makeover boob jobs? I just can’t with this exhausting woman and her constant need to show off as the hot, fun mom. Enough already!

Tamra Judge Real Housewives Of Orange County

Real Housewives Of Orange County is all about mommy issues this season, isn’t it? From the women having them with their own mothers (Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham-Burke) to having them with their own children (Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador), to being questionable mothers themselves (almost everyone).

Last night Shannon and Braunwyn tried to navigate sending children to college, Tamra sent Ryan Vieth to counseling, and all that was like blah, blah, blah… yada, yada, yada because the truly horrific, scarring, awfulness was the true exposure of just what a terrible person Tamra is. So much so that I actually feel bad for Racist Ryan.

Tamra has just returned from this truly life-altering and earth-shattering vacation in Scottsdale, AZ where she learned a pivotal message about being the leader of the mean girls: you can never turn your back – not even for a day. Not even for a hike with your husband. In Tamra’s absence, she’s gotten a slew of angry text messages from Kelly, and Shannon is basically giving her the silent treatment.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Shannon Beador

Ahhhh… Bravo is starting the holiday season off early with the gift of Tamra Judge‘s web of deceit, dishonestly, and backstabbing being unraveled! I probably shouldn’t get too excited though because knowing how Real Housewives Of Orange County rolls, Tamra will somehow find a way to get out of this. Snakes can fit through the smallest crevices, after all!

It all starts with Tamra and Shannon Beador heading to dinner with Kelly Dodd. Their plan is to confront Kelly for her comment that the only time she’ll celebrate Vicki Gunvalson is at Vicki’s funeral. Shannon is devastated that Kelly is so callous and diabolical with her words (as if she didn’t have a phony funeral for her marriage a couple seasons back!), but suddenly Tamra – who started all this drama – plays devil’s advocate (cause she’s the devil!) that Kelly has a right to be angry given all the horrible things Vicki has said about her like that train rumor (which Tamra shared with the group many times over)! And most recently when Vicki reveled how Kelly tried to throw her mama from the train. Or was it stairs? Deetails-Schmeetails!

Real Housewives Of Orange County Vicki Gunvalson Shannon Beador Tamra Judge

Pinkies were firmly down at this Real Housewives Of Orange County birthday party meant to celebrate the not-yet-deceased phony Queen Victoria. Tensions were firmly up instead!

Well, it’s time to celebrate Vicki Gunvalson‘s birthday, which might as well be a national holiday at this point. If anything good can come from long-term exposure to Vicki it should be a paid day off of work. Insurance, if you will, that we can at least get something out of this. But instead, we got tea party thrown by Tamra Judge‘s most juvenile bullying impulses.

“I get to be queen for a day and all of my girlfriends have to bow down to me. I mean it’s like every girl’s wish, right?!” says an enthusiastic Vicki, who has no idea that buried inside Tamra’s hat is a double-bladed invisibility sword for stabbing your friends in the back while you’re smiling to their faces. Satan is confusing!

Braunwyn Windham-Burke Real HOUsewives Of Orange CountyAaaaahhh… Real Housewives Of Orange County, trying so hard to make your fetch happen. Especially Braunwyn Windham-Burke. It’s like someone at Bravo told her she had to save this show from itself, which would explain the one-wing short of a hooker angel costume she wore to her TEENAGED DAUGHTER’s Fashion Show.

The saddest thing about Braunwyn is that she has all this baggage from a childhood spent with a self-absorbed attention-seeking mother yet she’s replicating the exact same dynamic with her daughter, Rowan. Instead of 7 zany careers, Braunwyn has 7 kids. Instead of painting your entire body tye-dye and calling it the kiss of the goddess, Braunwyn is kissing other women and braying about sex constantly. Yes, Brown Wind, people are finally looking at you, but they’re looking at you the same way they look at your mother: with pity.

Real Housewives Of Orange County Shannon Beador

There’s been many a times I’ve suffered second-hand embarrassment while watching a Real Housewives show, but last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was officially THE WORST. I was literally blowing a metaphorical whistle at the TV as I witnessed Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Tamra Judge‘s dry-humping. Too much tongue is often a problem on Bravo, but usually in a very different way.

Tamra has the brilliant idea to take a train down to Del Mar, fill plastic penises with vodka, and pass out train conductor whistles to celebrate Shannon Beador‘s 55th birthday party. Cause nothing says middle-age like a drunken orgy!

This trip has historical significance for several reasons: 1) Del Mar is Shannon’s old haunt, from back when she was “fun Shannon,” chugging Andre champagne and stalking surfer dudes; 2) It references the train rumor that so plagued Kelly Dodd‘s indefatigable reputation; 3) Meghan King Edmonds is attending for some unknown reason.