Real Housewives of Orange County Recap: Toxic, OK!


So! Shannon Beador. Oh my. On one note she's sort of quirky weird, she's also sort of crazy insane, but at the very least she's very real. She just puts it alllll out there. Whew. 

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County, Shannon's marital implosion continued. This lady's love tank is filled with cruelty-free diamonds, and non-toxic particalizied air mixed with lavender scented essential oils but not love. 

Things begin in Hawaii where Tamra Barney is trying to be a good friend to Vicki Gunvalson. You can see Tamra struggling, reading the cliffnotes she wrote on her hand about how to be empathetic and encouraging. These human emotion thingies are foreign concepts. Heather Dubrow is nodding and smiling, shooting Tamra reassuring looks that she's being OK. Remember it's like acting, you have to get into character she had coached her before this dinner while Vicki was examining seashells up the beach. 


The topic of this 'See! I'm a real friend!' conversation is Vicki's relationship with Brooks. Right. Of course. Still Brooks. Did she get her brain surgically removed to make room for more cheek implants and eyelifts or something? This man has literally destroyed her reputation, embarrassed her, threatened her, and isolated her children and friends, yet Vicki admits to Heather and Tamra they are still "dating". Dating with rules. Now they're in counseling. COUNSELING! And he's only allowed to drink two drinks per week and she wants them to move in together so they can take their relationship to the next level. More like Brooks can take Vicki's bank account to his next level. 

The Real Housewives of Orange County - Season 9

Vicki reveals that Briana is still not supportive, so they don't talk about Brooks. That's lovely.  Tamra and Heather tell Vicki she has to make herself happy, and they will try to support her. They are both lying. When Vicki goes to the bathroom, Heather asks Tamra what she really thinks. Tamra says Vicki is her friend and when she tried to put her foot down about Brooks, Vicki turned on her. And it was kind of sweet; Vicki and Tamra are 'real' friends. And miraculously Reality TV has not destroyed this. Tamra hopes that some day Vicki will realize the truth, but until then they all just have to standby her and let her fumble. 

Later Vicki's therapist comes over and VIcki complains that Briana doesn't listen to her and is moving to Oklahoma without her permission. The therapist encourages Vicki to get her own life – and she's like, duh! that's why I started dating Brooks. Vicki Dumbvalson logic. 

With all that serious stuff out of the way, Tamra and Vicki go back to being Tamricki. They have goals here in Hawaii – to get Heather drunk and dancing on the bar. But Heather is a grownup who was here to work and now has to go home to put kids to bed. She is not interested in shots and flashing her Hermes granny panties to the world. Basically, Heather is an adult and Tamra and Vicki are her wayward teenaged daughters on spring break. They need to be grounded. 

In other news Tamra and Eddie are married, but Tamra wants a baby. Eddie likes their dog! Tamra is saddened by being a part-time mom since she only sees her kids 50% of the time (and according to Simon even less). She wants another child she can see 100% of the time, but she's had her tubes tied, they're both in their 40s, and Eddie is evasive about pursuing adoption or surrogacy. Can't she just put all these maternal efforts into opening a smoothie bar at CUT Fitness or something?

Tamra is also hosting a spooky Halloween party. This was the weirdest party ever; she spent all this time decorating the house, doing themed food and awesome makeup and literally 5 people showed up. Not even Eddie was there! huh. Heather is using the opportunity to introduce Shannon to the group. "Oh joy, another new bitch I gotta like," Vicki complains. Ummm… since when does Vicki like anyone?


Except shockingly, Vicki likes Shannon! They hit it off immediately. As the four party guests huddle around a massive spread of marshmallow brains and coffin-shaped cookies (oh no! are they organic?!) Shannon regales the ladies with stories of just how terrible her husband is. He's dismissive, he never finds time for her, he takes 'business trips' without her, she feels ignored. Heather, stoic and icy is judging with her third eye, she does not approve of such "trusting" with new people. Airing your dirty laundry is not appropriate. Tamra files these factoids away in her brain for "later use – ammunition" and Vicki is overjoyed. Finally another lady in the bankrupt and corroded love tank category. Are these two gonna be friends? My Ouija board says, "Yes, ma'am!" 

Shannon, Heather and Tamra go out to dinner together where speaking of over-disclosing to people you don't know Tamra cries about wanting a baby with Eddie. Heather thinks Tamra is just reacting to missing her kids, but Shannon insists Tamra should follow her heart and bliss and all these other organic emotions that her Reiki expert, energy mesmerist, green juice chef, and crown jewel ghetto dentist advocate for. Did I mention Shannon heals cavities by putting jewels in her teeth and it was originally gonna cost $20,000 but the 'dentist' told her a psychic informed her she had saved a nation in a past life so she got the teeth gems for free. Uh-huh. This is what we're dealing with here, people.

"People like you… annoy me," Heather tells Shannon, wrapping the sentiment up tightly with a whole lot of hyperbole. Naturally, Heather does not believe Tamra should be taking advice from someone who drives an Escalade but won't let her kids use Wi-Fi for fear of toxins. Especially when the most toxic thing in Shannon's house is Shannon's marriage! 

Shannon hosts a dinner party and invites Vicki, Tamra, and Heather plus their spouses. Since Brooks would probably be caught robbing the china cabinet at Shannon's house, Vicki brought a girlfriend instead. Wise decision! 

Shannon and her husband David can barely stand each other. I don't know if it's her crazy rules (Don't touch the lemons on the table – I need 9 lemons in a bowl at all times!), or constant nagging. Granted David seems distant and a bit of an ass. She sent him to the liquor store to get wine and he bought only 2 bottles. For a entire dinner party. And no champs! The horror. The terrible horror. 

At the party, Shannon and David are openly hostile towards each other and they make an uncomfortable atmosphere for their guests as they snipe and glare at each other. 


Then Shannon has a meltdown because the potatoes are too crunchy and David never made sure the creme brulee torch was prepared. She's berating the help while she nukes the potatoes and complains about microwave rays. Then they get into a  massive argument in the kitchen while the guests are in the next room. It was horrible and in poor manners. For someone sending her daughters to cotillion so they can learn proper etiquette, seems like Shannon needs a refresher course.

Shannon is way too uptight. What's organic Xanax? Oh yeah – pot. Shannon needs some! Meanwhile, Terry complains that his daughter Coco hates him and is a "bitch". I took it with a grain of salt – obnoxious, but kind of funny.

Seriously though if Shannon's shi-shi-shi dinner party and ostentatiously fancy 'toxic-free' house taught me anything it's money can't buy you class! Shannon and David aren't the bickersons, they're the hatersons!

[Photo Credits: Bravo]