Last night on Real Housewives of New York we bid adieu to Milou. But it was more than saying goodbye to Sonja Morgan's dog, it was about saying goodbye to toxic relationships and living in the past. In short, Sonja made the decision that she was not going to end up a modern-day Miss Havisham and was instead going to l-i-v-e as a modern-day Auntie Mame!
Kristen Taekman is in the throes of many struggles – I mean Ramona Singer maimed her and her husband is the very definition of douchelord in the dictionary – I promise! Look it up – his photo is in there.
She meets LuAnn de Lesseps and Heather Thomson for some shopping where she recaps her Ramonapology, you know here's some flowers, gotta whiz! Hamptons! Celebrities! And there was poor Kristen sitting at the table like, "but… I put on this dress. And you – you have anger management issues!" It was too late, Ramona had already downed her glass of wine? water? Water which she turned into wine? Does she have that power based on the sheer will of her fortitude? I mean how does Ramona even get a wine glass in a tea shop? Does she carry her own, in her purse, for emergency purposes? So many questions…
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Anyway, as Kristen retells her story, LuAnn and Heather are nonplussed. LuAnn shrugs and says, "Ramonacoaster". That Pinot! As they're discussing one half of Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle F–ked, Sonja calls to invite them all to a funeral for her dog Milou. Wear your best hat Sonja advises.
It turns out Sonja's dog passed away a while ago but she's been storing his ashes on the mantle. She's finally ready to let go. You see the dog is a euphemism for many things. To Sonja he represented the happiest time period in her life: she was thriving, married to American royalty, a wealthy jet-setter who was included into the royal social set, and he was her best friend. I mean it's hard not to adore a man who buys you homes all over the world and pretends to adore your toaster oven delicacies. Although who doesn't love an English Muffin Pizza?
Sonja's former interns all convene to help her plan Milou's funeral. Sonja sniffs his old collar and cries. She knows, deep in her heart, the time has truly come to move on. Sonja is not that girl anymore, filled with ideas and promises; bankrolled by the Morgan money and name. She's yesterday's news. She's been living in the urn on the mantle of her former life. Mr. Morgan has remarried, traded Sonja in for a younger, sassier girl and left her with a dilapidated house and no one to pay the bills for her extravagance. So she decides to give it one last hurrah – for Milou's sake, of course.
Sonja visits her spiritual healer who tinkles some castanets and aims a facial steam machine at her head. Sonja was lying on a bed somewhere. It was all looking very Upper East Side brothel. I mean I expected Elliot Spitzer to leap out from behind the curtains. Instead this woman tells Sonja she's carrying around a lot of baggage which she needs to let go of. Specifically some decades old LV luggage that she's been restoring with Sharpie. Sonja admits she's been feeling manipulated and taken advantage of, specifically by a close friend. A close friend such as Ramona. Sonja realizes she has to let go of many, many more outdated expectations than she originally anticipated – and it's time to redefine an era. Ramona is going into the 're-evaluated' pile.
Then Sonja tells us this healer had twins at 57. "Who does that?" Sonja trills. My immediate word association was "mentally ill people". (Remember Ramona's phantom pregnancy? Oh my…!)
Speaking of, Aviva Drescher returns. She's hosting a dinner party which includes Sonja, Harry Dubin, poor Wendy Madden (who happens to be married to Steve Madden and dearly regrets her attendance at Aviva's dinner party) and her father George. George is bringing a ladyfriend. A much younger ladyfriend named Cody. Cody is striking and immediately I presumed that he met her at Sonja's healer's escort studio. But no, he actually met her while she was waxing his balls. She's 25 and quite glamorous. And George is 85, wearing a pink polyester lounge jacket, and talking about why his daughter needs mirrors on her bedroom ceiling and that one charming time he poked his erection into Sonja's back.
Sonja is having PTSD flashbacks just hearing George's name. She accuses Aviva of a "date crime" for even attempting to set them up – especially when the lovely, and swarthy, Harry is on the lam. Which, by the way, Harry likes mirrors on the ceiling too – even more creepy proof that Aviva married her father! Double Yuck! One, because her father is George. And two, because she married her father.
Then George walks into the room after changing his Depends and hands Cody a shopping bag. "I got you this today," he announces. "You'll like it." Inside is an engagement ring. Cody says yes and everyone's eyes dart silently around the room because they're not sure how to react. Is this really happening? Is there really someone out there who is willing to marry George. I mean even Sonja, who is hard up for money, wouldn't put up with his constant hard-on harassment! So that was something. Wendy Madden had fled hours before and was rocking silently in a corner while sucking on a xanax.
Carole Radziwill interviews for assistants. She posted the ad on twitter and is using Ramona's office as a neutral place to host the interviews. I can assume this was all fake, because none of these people even brought a resume. Furthermore none of them had read Carole's book. Still it was hilarious and fun. Ramona pulled a Sonja and was practically humping one poor UES stud's leg. I guess two can play the hooking up with someone much younger game, right Mario?! In the end I think Carole found no one because they all liked the wrong flower, used wire hangers, and had not read either of her books. The real question is whether or not they read Aviva's!
After recovering from the horrible experience of seeing George again, Sonja agrees to meet Ramona and Aviva for dinner. George was not invited. Thankfully. There Sonja confronts Ramona about her manipulative behavior. Specifically ditching her in The Berkshires and lying about it and calling her boyfriend Ben's mother's friend. Sonja says she's making changes in her life and she will no longer put up with the nonsense. Ramona seems uncertain of what to say, so she apologizes (insincerely as is her way) and agrees to never meddle again. Then she tells Sonja that she loves her. Sonja consents that no one can hate Singer. Oh that Singer! They cheer and then get to work setting Sonja up with the restaurant chef. He lives uptown and has great meatballs – what more can a girl want?
Since Kristen has too much mileage on her to model anymore, Josh scored her an interview with a new workout company called JCore. They're interviewing someone to be featured in their workout DVD. Kristen isn't sure she's in shape enough, but her pretty face lands her the job.
They film the segment in Kristen's apartment since it's supposed to be a quick core workout people can do anywhere. Josh, who was freaking out about missing work for his daughter's therapy session last week, seems to have absolutely NO problem missing work to critique Kristen as she films. He's standing on the sidelines calling Kristen out for everything and then comments on how she needs to lose her "pooch". Seriously – POOCH?! What woman is he looking at? Kristen weighs 16 pounds and has a completely flat stomach – and she is a 36 year-old mother of two.
Kristen tears up and keeps asking Josh to leave, but he refuses. And he keeps badgering her, interfering with her ability to do the workout. She compares him to a pimp, micro-managing her while she does her j-o-b. The only fat Kristen needs to trim is her marriage to Ike Turner 2.0.
Finally it's Milou's funeral. Sonja's wearing Valentino and all the other ladies have stepped out in style. I can only hope my funeral contains such fabulously dressed guests! The funeral is being held in front of the apartment Sonja first purchased (exactly HOW MUCH real estate does this bankrupt woman own?!). Sonja immediately opens with champagne and then makes a speech about what Milou meant to her life, a time of blessing, happiness, success, and stability.
Everyone in attendance knows this funeral is really about Sonja saying goodbye to her former life and finally letting go of her ex-husband, so they all put on the floofy hats, giggle about Milou's supposed homosexuality, and cheer when Sonja dumps the ashes over the railing into the river. Quite a few don't make it into the water and fly up in Sonja's face, but Sonja doesn't care. She's used to things blowing up in her face, but she's a survivor and survivors persevere. Onward and upward, to the next man, the next adventure, the next jaunt, the next Valentino.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WILL SONJA EVER BE ABLE TO MOVE ON FROM HER OLD LIFE?