Oh don't you just wish Keeping Up With The Kardashians featured the true story for once? If so, this one would be epic!
Last weekend Kim Kardashian and Kanye West tied the knot in Florence, Italy. While the official wedding photos boasted a happy couple and the photo booth (seriously – isn't that a little passé?) boasted a bevy of
D-list celebrity guests having fun, apparently the behind-the-scenes drama was straight out of a horror story! Despite costing an estimated $12 million dollars, guests called the event a giant "clusterf–k" and reportedly had a horrible time being part of the Kimye show.
Page Six reveals that there were tantrums (no, not from North or Mason!) from Kanye, huge wasted expenses and rudely treated guests and performers. Settle in – it's juicy!
– Miss Golden Showers needed her guests to pee in style. Kim and Kanye had a huge golden portable toilet erected (see what I did there) that was situated next to the dinner tables (klass!) and beside the dance floor. The monstrosity was so enormous – 49 feet tall – it required a crane to lift it into the walled fortress of Forti di Belvedere. "'Their toilet was the star of the show,' says a source. "The Italians named it the Torre di Bagni Oro (translation: the Gold Toilet Tower)."
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– Kim and Kanye practically depleted all of Italy's marble reserves in their quest for artistic flare! Klass. Instead of place cards to notify guests of the seating arrangements they had a masons engrave the marble dinner table, which was a 230 foot slab of Calacatta Vatican marble costing $473,000! Unfortunately someone forgot to use spellcheck because several of the guests names were spelled wrong! Uh oh… they totally spelled Kardashian, "Kartrashian", didn't they?
Additionally seating was so disorganized, no one even bothered to sit in their assigned seats – except the bride and groom. I assume everyone else clamored to sit as far away from them as possible?
– The marble misuse didn't stop there! "Four days before the wedding, they ordered 30 life-size nudes to be made from black marble from Carrera. Artist Vanessa Beecraft designed them but unfortunately it didn't work out to specifications! The marble workers worked through the night to cut enough blocks, but 10 of them fell apart, another 10 were too damaged in transit to put out, and of the remaining 10, four were missing their heads. They were put out around the dinner tables."
Kanye showed up two hours before the wedding to micro-manage and had a Yeezus-sized fit at the state of his arts. He demanded the faulty statues be moved so the mistakes would be less noticeable, but since they weighed a half-ton each – it required forklifts. the planners spent the final hours before the ceremony managing this and other things didn't get done! "The forklifts were the first thing the guests saw upon arrival," says the report.
– Kanye also decided to do his own konstruction work! Kanye returns! And he still doesn't like what he sees. This time the offending party is the all-white bar, which was next to the gleaming golden kimmode. No, not Kim – the actual commode!
Kanye "took a saw and started sawing it in half himself. Two men held the bar stable as he sawed, and sawed, into the bar, defacing the entire front, screaming at everyone around him. He said it looked like a bar from Texas. Then he ordered two pieces of raw wood to be nailed onto the front of the bar. Once the wood was in place, 'Now,” he said, 'it’s art.'" Aaaaahhh… art. See, if he truly wanted to "make art" he should have done that during the actual reception and labeled it "performance art"! Amateur.
– Kanye's list of komplaints kontinue. He was not a fan of the uber pricey stereo system because it was uglier than Kim's wardrobe. Instead, he had music play from his iPhone until after dinner. This, I do not believe.
– The other music came from performers. John Legend serenaded the world's most watched couple on a marble piano! Kanye and Kim danced to five of John's songs while guests looked on. No one else was allowed on the dance floor. Then they were subjected to a 45-minute wedding toast from Yeezus. The subject of which, was himself. And Kim's remarkableness.
– Kim also had a meltdown. Hers was over the lights. She thought the spotlights were hitting her at crotch-level. Clearly no one knows it's her a$$ that needs the spotlight, not her vaj-jay-jay! Kim demanded the spotlights be disbanded and pulled apart the electrical boards herself. Therefore the cocktail area was dark – and alas, so was the golden toilet. Oops!
– Andrea Bocelli was treated like the hired help instead of a legend. He sang during Kim's processional, and was also invited as a guest. Unfortunately the world's most inept wedding planners,
Penelope and Mason, forgot to give him a seat – or a glass of water. After his performance he was told, 'Thank you, but it’s time for you to get in your car and go home.'" I hope they threw in a juice box!
– Also because the entire thing was such a catastrophe everyone resorted to getting trashed. They had do something while they waited for Tantrums, The Kouple to pull it together. One lady got so drunk she needed medical attention and ended up spending the evening passed out an ottoman. Well, that's better than occupying the golden toilet!
– Also Jaden Smith and his desperate for attention white Batman costume annoyed everyone. He was running around knocking glasses off the table and harassing guests. Vogue Italia editor Franca Sozzani was particularly annoyed that Jaden kept throwing his cape over her head!
– Finally, since neither Jay nor Bey cared enough to attend Jay sent a lavish gift. A giant bottle of Chianti dipped in gold with a diamond for a cork. Beyonce didn't even bother to sign the card, instead she instagrammed a photo of herself looking happy in the Hamptons. Cause you know, living well and all that! (I made the card part up, I don't know if she signed or not. Beyonce – can you confirm?).
"It was disappointing. We expected more with all the planning that went into it," a guest complained to Radar Online. “There was hardly any coordination which was very frustrating for guests. It was basically a complete clusterf**k.”
“Nobody knew where they were going more than half the time, it was like every man for themselves with no direction,” the insider added. Calling the entire affair "chaotic" and "confusing."
Well – at least no one complained about the food. Cause you know bad food at a wedding is the worst!
[Photo Credits: instagram]
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