Oh the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County – what are we going to do with them? I mean, Vicki Gunvalson is choking on national TV and Heather Dubrow is doing photo shoots for her 'holiday card' in front of a dumpster. These gals…
So yes, Shannon Beador and Heather think their holiday cards are on par with the White House's in terms of preeminent importance. Shannon tells us that people look forward to her card every year and Heather gives a gushing speech about what it represents to her family (Time immemorial? Neil deGrasse Tyson joke!). They both hire full glam crews and professional photography teams to make these visions come to life. I think I saw Anna Wintour scuttling around behind the ladder in Heather's shoot.
It's nice to know that I have some things in common with these two wealthy beacons of the upper echelons - because even though I take my holiday photo with an iPhone, my kids misbehave just as much as Heather and Shannon's do! Anyway, Heather is taking her card in what looks like the parking lot of a storage facility. Maybe since they're between mega mansions she's going for homeless chic?
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Vicki is in the fits of peril because Briana is moving to Oklahoma - basically to get away from her one-woman hovercraft act. Sadly, Vicki does not understand that Briana is on a quest for freedom. Vicki is literally smothering Briana. Briana includes Vicki in the moving process by inviting her on the house-hunting trip. Vicki hates everything about Oklahoma: the weather, the distance, the rural landscape, the fact that Briana will not be within micro-managing and drop-by distance, and she thinks it's cheap.
In the hotel Vicki is freaking out about Briana leaving her and trying to convince her to move into her house again, when Vicki starts choking. Literally choking – not like a Vicki melodrama – like HEIMLICH! Performance art? Gritty realism in trying to illustrate to Briana why she must stay? Whatever – Briana needs to get Vicki a Life Alert! as a goodbye present.
The next day they look at houses and Vicki continues with her one-woman complaint tour and badgering Briana until she snaps that she's basically given up tons of her ambitions to appease Vicki and she's done. In the car as they're looking at houses, Vicki is still wondering what's wrong with Cali when Briana comes thisclose to ending up the plot of an episode of SNAPPED! The SUV of Horrors. Something tells me with all the footage Bravo has of Vicki nagging, a jury would find Briana "not guilty".
Vicki is also alarmed when she realizes the houses have tornado basements, aka where Vicki will be staying when she visits. After she asks Ryan when he's gonna get a real job (meaning a "civilian job") and basically being told there's nothing that will change their minds about the move, Vicki realizes that it's time for her to accept things. "I think I just need to keep my mouth shut," Vicki concedes and they all toast with lamb balls to a whole new way of life, or in Briana's case "FREEEEDOM!" (I hear George Michael when I type this).
Back in Cali, Tamra Barney refuses to age. She goes to an anti-aging doctor to find out how to turn back time (impossible) and repair the damage to her terrible Botox cat eyes (hopefully possible). She drags Ryan along with her after she discovers he's been buying HGH in the parking lot of his gym so his muscles will be more dense and his hair fuller. I think he should have been investing that money in hair plugs or rogaine, because it's not working on the hair fullness part. He doesn't workout at CUT Fitness? Cause he work-works there.
Whatever the case, I hope Tamra can get a refund on whatever is happening with her eyes – the white eyeliner looks like she applied it with WhiteOut or chalk! The doctor prescribes her testosterone to balance out her hormones – like Tamra needs anything else that makes her ragey and stabby? Watch out world!
Lizzie Rovsek is trying to get to know the ladies and after getting off to a rocky start with Vicki, she's expanding her horizons. First she meets up with Heather for a playdate in the park. Heather arrives promptly and immaculately in white silk, bearing a bag of designer cupcakes and Lizzie shows up in jeans with her son throwing a tantrum while whacking her on the head with a stuffed animal. Plastic princess mommy with nanny vs. real mommy! Still it was a cute, fun scene and the kiddos were adorable. They discuss the pros and cons of having more kids for Lizzie and what they do and don't like about Vicki and Shannon. Lizzie is still confused about how to handle Vicki.
First of all, Heather does defend Vicki, which was nice considering they're friends, but then she absconds the conversation to complain tirelessly about her issues with Shannon, one of which being that Shannon has become friends with Tamra and Vicki, who have accepted her and now she's seemingly paranoid that they're all talking about her.
Then Lizzie and Danielle Gregorio head over to Shannon's for a makeup lesson where we learn Shannon's nose used to look like a pelican beak until she had it fixed. Of course they all discuss Heather. Everyone is in agreement that Shannon and Heather just need to talk. I kind of love Shannon, despite my best intentions, she's refreshingly candid, goofy, and vulnerable – plus she drinks straight vodka!
Heather calls Shannon while she's sporting dirty hair (olive oil mask?) and no makeup and cutting up organic free-range chickpea hummus with magically materialized pita bread made from stone ground flour of rare tree bark found in the Andes. Only $99 per pack at Whole Foods! They decide to get a drink and talk.
"Talk" is code for bicker. Shannon slurps vodka neat and explains that Heather is putting words into her mouth, singling her out, and she did not turn into SheHulk over a chair. Heather inhales through her nose to lecture Shannon profusely on "perception being everything" – and Heather's perception is that Shannon is stealing her friends by inviting them to do things without Heather in attendance. I think I had that argument in 8th grade…
They go back and forth about chairgate. Shannon and Heather were arguing over a chair and now they're arguing over arguing over a chair. Finally they agree to disagree and start over, but neither has faith in the temporary truce. At least they got cocktails out of the deal!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DOES VICKI NEED TO GIVE BRIANA SPACE OR IS HER REACTION NORMAL? WILL SHANNON AND HEATHER MAKE PEACE?