Still, you gotta feel bad for Shannon. She tried to plan a relaxing trip to the exclusive Miraval so the women could find peace and serenity (now!), but she’s friends with people like Kelly Dodd and Vicki Gunvalson. So it all went to pot – or should I say, dong. But first, sexxy.
Real Housewives of Orange County Recap
It’s mommy issues galore on Real Housewives Of Orange County! Can’t nobody raise a child right?!
Let’s start with Gina Kirschenheiter, who must Uber to the birthday party Emily Simpson is throwing for Annabelle. Then Gina gets there so late the Happy Birthday has already been sung. I thought Gina was actually bringing a used car seat as a gift until she revealed that she’s officially unable to drive until her DUI is resolved, and is actually Ubering everywhere.
As the party wraps up, after Gina treats herself to tiger face paint, she and Emily get to talking about… Gina. Which is all they ever talk about! This time Gina is panicked over how close she came to being arrested in her home in front of her children, and how scaring that would be. Emily likens it to the time she had to be taken away in an ambulance. Which pisses Gina off.
Truth and consequences have come to Real Housewives Of Orange County. Everything unfolded when Shannon Beador decided to take Gina Kirschenheiter to LA for a little fun in the California sun, but nothing can keep the storm clouds away. Not even a designer makeover and many glasses of champagne!
You can take the Rail (zing!) Housewives Of Orange County to LA, but you can’t take the tacky Orange County out of them. Leave it Kelly Dodd to throw a big ol’ fit in a fancy restaurant. But to be fair: Kelly was getting it from all ends, just like she says, except it’s not from 8 guys. But, 6 Housewives pulling a train of gossip about her sex life.
Last night the Real Housewives Of Orange County tried to have a Pretty Woman moment by taking the distressed and disorganized Gina Kirschenheiter to Rodeo Drive for a makeover, but it ended in tears, tantrums, and tales of trains gone wrong!
I do not FOR ONE SECOND believe the rumor that Kelly Dodd did a train (is that even how you say it?) of 8 guys. I also refuse to look up the proper terminology for “train,” because I did that last week and now I’m getting some suspicious GoogleAds. So thank you Vicki Gunvalson for once again ruining things for everyone.
The most shocking thing about the Trains, Cars, and Terrible Friends saga is that moments after making this proclamation that she knows something very, very terrible about Kelly, Vicki skips out when the rest of the women head to a bar. Vicki pass up free tequila? HUH?
When Kelly’s voice goes to that decibel of extreme whininess I imagine that dogs everywhere go into a trance and start walking, zombie-like, towards the TV screen. Frisker – go to a new master!
What even was last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County? Certainly not Vicki Gunvalson‘s welcome back redemption tour because the very second she walks into a scene things explode. It’s because Vicki never learns!! In between chasing Kelly Dodd around a party and begging Kelly for an opportunity to talk, Vicki is simultaneously doubling-down on the accusation that Kelly does cocaine. Now she knows people who have done it with Kelly. Produce these people!
See this is the thing about Vicki: she always makes some off-the-wall accusation – who knows, maybe it is true [shrug-moji] – then immediately regrets it. Not because Vicki feels bad, but because of social repercussions. Then instead of being contrite; instead of calling Kelly on the phone to sincerely apologize, then making it publicly known that the accusation wasn’t true, Vicki just pretends it will blow over. Meanwhile Vicki will continue to insist she’s not a liar and make little comments reinforcing her original statement. As if repeating it will make it true. Then even worse, Vicki only wants to apologize to save her own faces. What face is Vicki on at this point?
Last night was the premiere of Real Housewives Of Orange County Season 14, aka a year without Vicki Gunvalson; a year of living OG-less. We know Vicki will show up eventually, but it’s almost like a mirage that we got through an entire episode with nary a “Whoop It Up!” or a “Woo Hoo!” I sort of have the vapors and need to lie down … in a blissful sleep of fulfilled dreams.
I’ve been saying for years that Real Housewives Of Orange County needs to do a casting shake-up, and break the stranglehold of Vicki and Tamra Judge, whose dysfunctional frienemyship has dominated in a really detrimental way. Personally, I think Tamra would’ve been the one to fire since she is always playing producer and a large part of her antics are purely ‘for the show.’ Vicki is too clueless and lacking in self-awareness to self-produce, which makes for more authentic everything. I mean, this is a woman who gave us Brooks Ayers faking cancer on national television whereas Tamra has given us… facelifts and Ryan Vieth? Maybe next season they should rotate in Vicki full-time, but drop Tamra? Gotta test all the variables of your experiment, right?!
For now, see you on the flip side, Vicks!
Last night was part three of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion. Which means this bizarre season is finally over. Part 3 was all about Shannon Beador, as pretty much every part of everything is. As Shannon said, “I’m sorry for being me me me me me!”
Is Shannon crazy? Is Shannon an emotional wreck? Are the voices in Shannon’s head actually Tamra Judge reading a script from David Beador‘s iPhone on how to manipulate and condescend Shannon into a meltdown? #yes
But first a Kelly Dodd montage! Kelly is dating, dating, dating and ignoring
Jolie who Michael Dodd is dating. But Vicki Gunvalson isn’t! Obviously, she is very invested in what is going on in Michael’s life.