Real Housewives Of Orange County is all about mommy issues this season, isn’t it? From the women having them with their own mothers (Kelly Dodd and Braunwyn Windham-Burke) to having them with their own children (Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador), to being questionable mothers themselves (almost everyone).
Last night Shannon and Braunwyn tried to navigate sending children to college, Tamra sent Ryan Vieth to counseling, and all that was like blah, blah, blah… yada, yada, yada because the truly horrific, scarring, awfulness was the true exposure of just what a terrible person Tamra is. So much so that I actually feel bad for Racist Ryan.
Tamra has just returned from this truly life-altering and earth-shattering vacation in Scottsdale, AZ where she learned a pivotal message about being the leader of the mean girls: you can never turn your back – not even for a day. Not even for a hike with your husband. In Tamra’s absence, she’s gotten a slew of angry text messages from Kelly, and Shannon is basically giving her the silent treatment.
Ahhhh… Bravo is starting the holiday season off early with the gift of Tamra Judge‘s web of deceit, dishonestly, and backstabbing being unraveled! I probably shouldn’t get too excited though because knowing how Real Housewives Of Orange County rolls, Tamra will somehow find a way to get out of this. Snakes can fit through the smallest crevices, after all!
It all starts with Tamra and Shannon Beador heading to dinner with Kelly Dodd. Their plan is to confront Kelly for her comment that the only time she’ll celebrate Vicki Gunvalson is at Vicki’s funeral. Shannon is devastated that Kelly is so callous and diabolical with her words (as if she didn’t have a phony funeral for her marriage a couple seasons back!), but suddenly Tamra – who started all this drama – plays devil’s advocate (cause she’s the devil!) that Kelly has a right to be angry given all the horrible things Vicki has said about her like that train rumor (which Tamra shared with the group many times over)! And most recently when Vicki reveled how Kelly tried to throw her mama from the train. Or was it stairs? Deetails-Schmeetails!
Pinkies were firmly down at this Real Housewives Of Orange County birthday party meant to celebrate the not-yet-deceased phony Queen Victoria. Tensions were firmly up instead!
Well, it’s time to celebrate Vicki Gunvalson‘s birthday, which might as well be a national holiday at this point. If anything good can come from long-term exposure to Vicki it should be a paid day off of work. Insurance, if you will, that we can at least get something out of this. But instead, we got tea party thrown by Tamra Judge‘s most juvenile bullying impulses.
“I get to be queen for a day and all of my girlfriends have to bow down to me. I mean it’s like every girl’s wish, right?!” says an enthusiastic Vicki, who has no idea that buried inside Tamra’s hat is a double-bladed invisibility sword for stabbing your friends in the back while you’re smiling to their faces. Satan is confusing!
Aaaaahhh… Real Housewives Of Orange County, trying so hard to make your fetch happen. Especially Braunwyn Windham-Burke. It’s like someone at Bravo told her she had to save this show from itself, which would explain the one-wing short of a hooker angel costume she wore to her TEENAGED DAUGHTER’s Fashion Show.
The saddest thing about Braunwyn is that she has all this baggage from a childhood spent with a self-absorbed attention-seeking mother yet she’s replicating the exact same dynamic with her daughter, Rowan. Instead of 7 zany careers, Braunwyn has 7 kids. Instead of painting your entire body tye-dye and calling it the kiss of the goddess, Braunwyn is kissing other women and braying about sex constantly. Yes, Brown Wind, people are finally looking at you, but they’re looking at you the same way they look at your mother: with pity.
There’s been many a times I’ve suffered second-hand embarrassment while watching a Real Housewives show, but last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was officially THE WORST. I was literally blowing a metaphorical whistle at the TV as I witnessed Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Tamra Judge‘s dry-humping. Too much tongue is often a problem on Bravo, but usually in a very different way.
Tamra has the brilliant idea to take a train down to Del Mar, fill plastic penises with vodka, and pass out train conductor whistles to celebrate Shannon Beador‘s 55th birthday party. Cause nothing says middle-age like a drunken orgy!
This trip has historical significance for several reasons: 1) Del Mar is Shannon’s old haunt, from back when she was “fun Shannon,” chugging Andre champagne and stalking surfer dudes; 2) It references the train rumor that so plagued Kelly Dodd‘s indefatigable reputation; 3) Meghan King Edmonds is attending for some unknown reason.
Last night most of the Real Housewives Of Orange County finally escaped Arizona. All that so-called healing got left in Arizona though. In fact the only person who seemed to internalize anything was Kelly Dodd, who also got left behind in Arizona.
Kelly visited her hometown of Scottsdale to hopefully reconnect with her family. Fun fact: I went to ASU, and I have been to The Vig countless times! So that was exciting, and this where Kelly and Mary’s similarities end. Because when Kelly lived in Arizona she was getting arrested as a juvenile delinquent for setting the her catholic high school’s field on fire and brawling with old ladies at the Phoenix Open.
Kelly meets up with her BFFs to reminisce about all the times she drunkenly slapped people. Kelly is the very definition of stunted adolescence. She and Jolie live in an unintentionally Freaky Friday world where Jolie is the miniature adult attending board meetings and organizing the meal schedules for the week. If she just took over the finances…
Watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting hit by the Kelly Dodd train. Her emotions were all over the place. I’m not sure if I blame the drinks or the desert, but all’s well that … Well, I don’t want to say “end,” so, “pauses(?) well,” because Kelly and Vicki Gunvalson have forged peace! Tequila for all!
The episode opens with amazing flashbacks. Like I’m watching a Dateline 48 Hours mystery, which is hilarious, because the backwards clock makes me realize it has only been TWENTY-FOUR hours.
What’s even more amusing is that this is a day in the life cycle of Vicki Gunvalson: lie, deny, blame, repeat… Vicki is angry at Kelly for lashing out at her, but Vicki continuously pokes the beehive with her witchy acrylic nail, then cries cancer when she gets stung.
I don’t know who put Real Housewives Of Orange County on Adderall but thank you Tamra Judge‘s Jesus because this season is so good. So much was packed into a 10 hour time period it was like drama sardines.
Shannon Beador is at Urgent Care deciding if she wants to press charges against Kelly Dodd for assault, or assault Kelly with guilt tripping and shaming over the harm she’s done to Shannon’s zen cortex. As if that’s gonna work. HA! Also if the police showed up to question Kelly she would assume they were strippers and start propositioning them.
Being the good friend that she is, Tamra is in the doctor’s office laughing behind her hand. Tamra is thanking herself for all the good work she is doing driving a huge, HUGE wedge between Shannon and Kelly after conniving Shannon her leaking spinal fluid was making her go blind.