Last night on Real Housewives of New York the ladies headed to the wild, wild west in Montana. Kristen Taekman organized the trip and like the over-eager rookie she is, she expected everyone to be jumping with glee at the prospect of spending a week at a dude ranch far, far away from any actual dudes. Now you know Sonja T. Morgan was going through withdrawal something terrible – something that even a pair of cotton granny panties couldn't cure.
Before the ladies left Aviva Drescher decided she needed a little attention. Because you know - Meviva. Aviva had suddenly came down with a rampant case of asthma. She's allergic to horses, and hay, and long plane rides with women she does not like, and best-selling books, and being away from Saint Reid, savoir of upper east side princesses with daddy issues. Clearly Aviva is not allergic to asses – I mean she's able to be around George.
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Aviva needs to get permission from her doctor in order to go, but she realllllly, reeeeaaaallly wants to. Like, sooooo bad. I mean she like loooooves being around these girls! And she wants to prove that she's fun! Impossible.
Kristen meets up with Ramona Singer and Aviva to go cowboy boot shopping. Sonja was supposed to come too, but she thought they said "cowboy" shopping and got on match.com to procure one – and ended up lost somewhere on the lower east side riding a bucking bronco.
Anyway, Aviva arrives bearing a doctor's note and a flimsy excuse that she cannot travel. Kristen does not believe her because it's a bit convenient that every time there's a cast trip, Aviva can't go. Last season she had phobias, and this season she has allergies. And every season she has a rampant case of annoying-itis.
Aviva insists she's not a liar (since when? #ghostwritergate) and her illness is real. (Wasn't Aviva at a horse farm earlier in the season. I see Aviva is not allergic to horses when she needs to promote her book!) But Kristen accuses her of trying to play the 'I can't participate in volleyball because I have cramps, Mr. Cohen,' card. Aviva does have the emotional maturity of a 14-year-old so it makes sense.
Aviva retaliates by flinging her prescriptions in Kristen's lap and calling her a "bitch." Look - for a bitch who can't breathe, Aviva certainly blows a lot of hot air! While this argument is going on Ramona just sits there, silently, cursing herself for not coming up with this excuse. I mean she's allergic to being away from Pinot.
Carole Radziwill theorizes that Aviva is allergic to fun, and that her newest phobia is a fear of the truth. The Girl Who Was Allergic To The Truth: Why A Fear Of Honesty Destroyed My Life. I see a next book, Avicious!
The trip commences, with all the other girls in tow. Aviva is absent but in her stead had a wheelchair reserved at the airport with her name on it. Oh yay! They can play 'Weekend At Bernie's' with an invisible Avicious. Fun, fun.
As they drive into the middle of nowhere, Ramona's phobias of the forest remain at bay, but her increasing fear of being away from the intravenous pinot drip (and Mario's extracurricular activities) start to reach a fever pitch. At the gorgeous, five-star lodge the ladies are greeted with huckleberry punch and Ramona announces she plans to spend the entire vacation drunk. How exactly is that different from her real life? Thus proving her point, she had baskets of Ramona Pinot and Ramona Red delivered to the lodge. There is no escaping the turtle time.
As the ladies choose rooms, Carole's momentary lapse in judgment (or maybe desire for a bit of investigative journalism where she blends with the species she's analyzing) lands her saddled with Ramonja. Meanwhile Heather Thomson, Kristen, and LuAnn de Lesseps share a cabin. And when I say cabin, I mean deluxe and gorgeous mountain home. I hate the woods something Ramona-esque and I would stay there, gladly! This is some true glamping.
Ramona, however, is unhappy that there are no servants at the lodge so she has to make some calls to have a blow-dry artist bearing curling irons delivered to her door. And a sommelier. Cause, you know, Ramona can never just relax and enjoy herself. She has to make everything a big ol' look at me show!
After settling in the ladies go corral some cattle which means they're on horseback. Sonja is deep-breathing because the last time she got on a horse she was thrown. She manages to buck it up and embrace her fear. With Heather as her partner, Sonja ended up corralling the most calves and looking the part of a legit cowgirl. It was awesome. Sonja has always been a girl who hops right back into the saddle!
Ramona, meanwhile, sat on her horse complaining that there wasn't a cupholder for her wine glass and that the horse didn't move when she pushed a button. Whatever happened to customer service? To shut her up, LuAnn swaps horses. I'm sure Ramona was complaining about that one too, but the camera crew was so sick of it they just moved on.
After horseback riding, the ladies got dinner at a restaurant where you watch a rodeo while you chow down, but no one watched the show. Instead Ramona had a meltdown about some horse dung getting near her pinot, and Sonja was concerned that she wore the wrong underwear and would be channeling rodeo clown instead of ride'em cowboy, or maybe that she might get hay in her commando. And LuAnn was incensed that Sonja invited a facialist to her home that was spreading malicious gossip about Sonja's so-called friends.
Yes, LuAnn had to bring that up again. While Carole had done her own reporting by calling Russ and being reassured that he would never boff Sonja, LuAnn is furious that she is the subject of rumors that she enjoys manipulating small Frenchmen! How rude! Sonja plays it off as all in fun and not really worth making a fuss about. This spins Lu up even more – how could Sonja be OK with someone thinking she would behave so crassly as to sleep with a friend's boyfriend. Sonja took as a compliment – she's a lady that hasn't lost her sexy J!
Is The Countess so fired up about the facialist's lack of manners or is there a grain of truth to the facialist's story? LuAnn says her anger stems from Sonja not defending her but instead letting the lady carry on and perpetuate lies. As Sonja and Kristen brush her off, LuAnn storms out – she's had enough of dealing with horseshit.
TELL US – DO YOU BELIEVE AVIVA'S TALE OF ALLERGY WOES? WAS LUANN OVER-REACTING TO THE FACIALIST'S GOSSIP?