Real Housewives Of New York Recap: Sexcapades

carole and luann are disgusted by sexcapades

It's hot mess time on Real Housewives of New York! This week's award goes to contender Sonja Morgan, who has always been neck-in-neck with her co-competitor and trouble twin Ramona Singer, but Sonja is slowly edging into a forever lead! 

The ladies are still in Saratoga where Sonja's drunken meltdown culminates with a half-hearted attempt to flee wearing a shirt that does not count as a dress and absconding LuAnn de Lesseps' limo driver. Unfortunately a coveting of wine momentarily distracts her and Sonja decides to enact her payback by dropping some wine farts before forgiving the other ladies and hitting up the club.


sometimes sonja has to go commando

Carole Radziwill describes the night life of Saratoga as college kids meets Bourbon street – or way, way too young for the cougar convention coming their way in capri pants and elegant linen jump suits. Well, except for Sonja 'Oops! I Forgot My Pants' Morgan. She lives it up and parties like it's 1999. She parties so much she shows off her going commando while falling on LuAnn's lap. Alright Commando, put it away – you're scaring the kids!

Back in the city, LuAnn hosts a luncheon to raise money for cancer – and she's invited a surprise guest! Unfortunately LuAnn's surprise and her fashion show auction are overshadowed by Aviva Descher's constant need for attention. Aviva is the blackhole of common decency. While LuAnn's co-hostess is sharing the story of her mother's battle with cancer, Aviva decides to send Heather Thomson a text announcing that fellow guest, Former Miss USA, recently had a three-way with George and Cody while staying at her apartment. Heather bursts into laughter and then passes the text along to a person whose concept of manners evaporates with the vapors of last night's pinot: Ramona.

Aviva gossips about george's sex life at charity luncheon

All the while the co-host is speaking they are giggling while hunched over phones. They are completely immune to Class With The Countess' death stares and shocked expression. I think we know what LuAnn is giving as Christmas gifts – it's a well-known etiquette tome we've all grown to rely on as a guiding principal in class and decorum. It also features a music video how-to. (Jill – don't forget the diamonds!). Of course the obvious question is why would anyone want to discuss George while eating?

Aviva is the most bizarre person alive because as surprise guest Jelly Beans Beensocrazy saunters down the garden path in her best look yet – a ski mask, Aviva goes crazy bidding on the dress Kelly is wearing. Carole decides to have a little fun by phony upbidding Aviva; it was a clever way to get some revenge. Aviva wins the dress, but she loses LuAnn's affection so it's a toss-up.

ramona confronts miss usa about george

Meanwhile Ramona does her best to avoid Kelly by confronting Miss USA about what she did a couple nights ago. Was it perhaps have a three-way at Aviva's apartment with a certain geriatric pervert and his stunning future wife? Seriously – Ramona asked Miss USA this at the lunch-table, in front of other guests. Awkward was an understatement. And Miss USA said George was lying, although she seemed too shocked to speak. I mean here was this middle-aged woman with the worst blowout in NYC grilling her about where she spent the night this week and if she touched any penises that may have last been erect before the turn of the century, thus testing the potency of Viagra. 

Then Sonja rolls in over an hour late and reeking of walk of shame. Essentially Sonja came for the free lunch because well a broke girl's gotta eat. 

Wanna know the craziest part of this party? Kelly was pretty much the sanest guest there! Well, besides Carole.

After that, things went from bad to worse. LuAnn is already floored by the rudeness at her luncheon but she is about to be floored again. Kristen Taekman is supposed to meet Sonja at her townhouse for facials, but Sonja is not there when Kristen arrives. One of Sonja's roving interns, Pickles, has no idea where Sonja is, if she even came home last night, and if she's planning to show up.

While Kristen waits on the terrace, Sonja sneaks in wearing a NYC t-shirt over a satin skirt and a baseball hat. Yep, Sonja did THE WALK OF SHAME on TV, or as she calls it a "victory lap". What a good example she's setting for her interns – exactly what college credit will they be earning with this little gem? And when is Sonja writing her own book, Trash With The Former Mrs Morgan? It turns out Sonja's 'date' ripped her cocktail dress in the throes of passion, so Pickles gets the lovely duty of helping Sonja – who has her panties and pasties stuffed in her purse – get her affairs in order and find some clothes. Luckily we get a blurry shot of Sonja's commando – poor Pickles got the full monty. Quick question: where exactly is Sonja's daughter?

kristen learns tmi about her co-stars

As Sonja joins Kristen, the facialist is all gossip about what Sonja (and LuAnn, and Carole) have been up to behind-the-scenes. Apparently Lu has a penchant for short Frenchmen she can dominate in the sack and other places. And Sonja has a penchant for Carole's ex-boyfriend Russ whom Sonja reportedly slept with before Russ was Carole's ex. Sonja doesn't exactly deny this indelicate matter. 

Kristen's skin looks glowing, but her ears are also ringing as she meets Carole and LuAnn in the park for coffee. LuAnn and Carole are furious and disgusted by Aviva's behavior at the charity luncheon (and watching them talk smack was my favorite part of the episode) and do not understand why she wants to even discuss her father's sexual proclivities. Lu also believes Aviva actually invited Miss USA simply to cause drama – then Kristen shows up simply to cause drama! 

Kristen plops down and reveals the chatter of the facialist. LuAnn is repulsed and denies it by revealing that Jacques is anything but small (he is taller than Lu!), and Carole dismisses the accusation of what Russ was doing with Sonja. "She's not even his type," Carole sniffs. Truthfully I loved that both of them blew it off without giving credence to the drama. 

Aviva decides she's going to turn her apartment into some sort art salon and wants to refashion herself in to some sort of art patroness. She's holding an exhibition (?) of new and emerging artists by hanging paintings in her living room. Look lady – nothing can make that yellow wallpaper look good. Apparently the true theme of this exhibit is sucking up to LuAnn because she's featured Victoria's piece in the show. Now, I think Victoria's piece is amazing, but Aviva's motives as suspect at best. 

As the ladies roll in confused and dubious – will George be posing nude? – LuAnn comes with a familiar Housewife agenda: to address slights and spites in a communal setting. This is pretty much a spectator sport for the ladies on the outside of the particular drama. LuAnn asks to speak to Aviva and as far as confrontations go, Lu kept her cool and was direct, polite, and refrained from insults or yelling. Aviva, well she turned Avicious right-quick! 

luann is unimpressed by avicious

LuAnn is succinct: she did not invite Miss USA and neither did her co-hostess. LuAnn asks if Aviva invited Miss USA to create drama. Then Lu addresses the rudeness of sending the text messages and discussing such a vulgar topic at lunch. Basically LuAnn's issue is wrong time, wrong place for the situation to have unfolded. Aviva, predictably misses the point and starts ranting about how LuAnn has a problem with sex and slams LuAnn's daughter for painting nude pictures. That is relevant how? Then Avicious blames Heather for the drama because Heather was the one who passed the text along – even though Aviva told her to! LuAnn quips that if she would have read that text message over lunch she would have "vomited in her salad." Exactly. 

LuAnn elects to reiterate her point about rude behavior and disrespect, even ignoring Avicious' dig at Victoria, and then she walks away. Yep Lu – if Ramona and Kelly taught you nothing it's that you can't reason with crazy! 

Look – no one wants to hear about George's sex life and it's quite disgusting that Aviva continues to perpetuate this topic of conversation all the whilst complaining that she is disgusted by it. A little advice: if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. 

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