Woo. I can’t even. Last night’s Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta reunion was a lot to digest…and even then I barfed it all back up when I watched the finger sucking scene again. The good news? It was the first of three crazy installments! The bad news? It was the first. Of THREE. Mona Scott Young, you are an evil genius, my friend!
The cast arrives, drinks in hand and prep people in tow as if they are walking the red carpet for the Oscars. Perhaps Mona will win an Academy Award for promoting bad acting and ratchet behavior. I think it would be a great category addition to the awards show, don’t you? Erica Dixon, Karlie Redd, Mimi Faust, and Ariane are all getting ready in the same room. Karlie admits she has some secrets she’d like to share, and Erica shares that there are some “animals” she doesn’t want to see. Momma Dee threatens anyone who threatens her family, while Yung Joc nods in agreement. People who wear sunglasses inside always look super douchey. Case in point? Nikko. Bambi tells Lil’ Scrappy that Stevie J. posted a picture on Instagram the morning of the reunion which shows a nekkid The-The on her Knee-Knees about to pleasure the Stevie J. bus. Something tells me his friendship with Benzino isn’t going to survive this train wreck!
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Backstage, a producer is going back and forth between Stevie and Benzino
totally stirring the pot hoping to make sure that there will be no drama. Joseline Hernandez is rocking Versace while scoffing at her cast mates for wearing ball gowns with trains. Rasheeda is channeling an early 90′s Janet Jackson, but it’s working for her. On stage, the women gossip about who has beef with whom and which cast members are being quarantined from the others at the time being. Mona has tapped comedienne Sommore to host this event. I can’t help but find Scrap to be adorable as we revisit his love triangle with Bambi and Erica P. and Momma Dee’s ongoing “eggs in the basket” analogy. On stage, Erica P. tries to take the high road, and she’s got Dee on her side as Bambi starts with the name-calling. As Scrap starts yelling and pacing the stage, it gets less and less adorable. He looks like a whiny punk. Erica interrupts to ask why Bambi is so upset about Erica aspiring to be a side-chick when The Bambi was sleeping with Scrappy when he was engaged to Erica. This scores a high-five from Dee. Bambi admits that she’s ratchet, Scrappy’s ratchet, and together they have a ratchet situation.
Scrappy is totally, definitely, most certainly in love with Bambi. Sometimes. Maybe. She feels the same. Erica Dixon doesn’t think that Scrappy is in love with Bambi given all the text messages she receives from him claiming she’s the love of his life. Bomb dropped. First of many, I’m sure! Dee feels like Scarlet O’Hara and is swooning over the drama. She has grown to love The Bambi although Dee thinks Bam is far too timid. Bambi wonders how many ladies she has to punch in the face to not be considered timid. Erica P. apologizes for speaking negatively about Bambi’s miscarriage and credits her behavior to petty retaliation after Bambi made fun of her on social media for being in an abusive relationship. The Bambi rolls her eyes and claims she doesn’t do Instagram. Erica P. wonders why Bambi is so mad at her and not at her cheating boyfriend. Good question. Queen Dee tries to play referee from her throne. Quick, someone needs to grab her meds!
Bambi reveals that she isn’t trying to marry Scrap so it doesn’t bother her that he playfully flirts with his baby-mama. Scrap agrees that his behavior towards Erica is totally innocent, at which point Erica butts in and Scrap tries to quiet her. Bambi sighs that baby-mamas can be side chicks too. Erica states that she and Scrap have been having relations recently, and Stevie seems thrilled that the drama ensuing finally isn’t revolving around him. She pulls out a hotel receipt and Scrappy swears on the Bible and his child that they got drunk and fell asleep. Sommore won’t allow any of that as Erica calls for a polygraph. That Sommore agrees to, although Scrappy storms off stage ripping off his mic, proclaiming his innocence. Mona basically shames him into returning like he’s a petulant child. Lie detector it is!
Kirk Frost’s idiotic behavior is highlighted, including, but not limited to him giving his son a DNA test and trying to hire a hot waitress as Karter’s nanny. Benzino thinks that Kirk’s intentions were good, and Stevie jokes that he should have tried to hire a nanny out of the strip club. Bambi is questioned about that fateful night at Zino’s cabin, and she admits that it looked worse than it was. Kirk says he did the paternity test to quiet his overbearing mother-in-law. Kalenna found Kirk’s behavior towards Rasheeda’s mother to be terribly disrespectful. I’m glad that Captain Obvious was able to get some screen time. I must say that I expected their fake “marriage on the rocks” story line to get more attention, but Sommore quickly moves onto Karlie and Joc’s dysfunctional relationship…finger sucking, weave pulling, Teletubbies and all. Wait, how did I miss Joc calling her hoo-ha a hotbed of pimento cheese. I just vomited a bit in my mouth.
Joc’s accountant/driver/realtor joins them on stage. Sommore originally introduces her as his side chick, but Joc quickly warns her not to disrespect his woman. Joc then shares that Karlie became physically abusive with him and once broke his finger. He does a hilarious reenactment of their fight after Karlie found incriminating evidence on his phone. Karlie brags that yes, she did in fact break Joc’s finger in a brawl, but they had amazing make-up sex mere minutes later. Sommore wonders who knew that Karlie was such a freak in the bed. Joc’s new woman answered with what we all were thinking: everybody. Her hookah positions and foot jobs are famous, and when Joc teases that Karlie liked to bleep his bleep, I think Scrappy may faint and Tony’s ears may start bleeding. I don’t even want to attempt to fill in those blanks.
Like any good reunion, this one ends with a very dramatic lie detector test for Lil’ Scrappy. He looks like he’s trying to put himself into a coma as he answers the questions. When the results come in–SURPRISE!–the polygraph reveals that he lied about not having oral sex with Erica. Wait, what? No way. Scrappy remembers none of it. Erica breaks it down. There were movie rentals, lots of alcohol, and a crazy game of UNO that ended in some pantless fun. Nope. Scrappy does not recall that evening. Nikko yells out, never trust a lie detector! Yeah, Nikko, we know you’re there. Don’t worry. I’m sure you’ll be getting plenty of screen time next week. After a break, tensions are running high among Stevie, Zino, Joseline, and Althea with Dee advising Zino to support his fiance. Stevie is complaining about the poor air conditioning in the studio, and Zino whispers under his breath that he probably feels so hot due to all the coke he’s been snorting. The former friends get into a war of words consisting of “What?” “What?” “You want to go with this security, or you want to wait till we’re in the real world?” “What?” “Chill.” Stevie stands up to confront Zino, but Joseline beats him to Benzino, punching him square in the face. And scene. Is the the end of Sleazy and Zino?
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FIRST PART OF THE REUNION? WHAT WAS THE CRAZIEST PART?
[Photo Credit: VH1]