Since Madison Hildebrand has left the show, there is a void, an emptiness that has yet to be filled. Dare I speak its name? Malibu. Those spectacular beach beauties along the Pacific Coast Highway and sprawling gems perched high above them. Malibu. I know it’s only the second episode in, but you are missed. Oh Malibu.
So it’s back to the Hills and San Circle open house we go. And back to some more trash talking by David Parnes and James Harris. The Brits cannot let it go. They are completely frothing at the mouth as they devalue the house inch by inch. Sure the property has its minuses, but the pluses far outweigh them. Can you only imagine if they had gotten the listing and the tables were turned?? Everything would be brilliant, right??!! Josh Altman has really gotten under their skin. Get over it guys. Though, Josh Flagg seemed to enjoy watching the boys little catfight. Meow.
We later find James at home in his, from what we could see, surprisingly modest and mustard colored Spanish style home. Even Josh Altman’s last place had more curb appeal. I pictured him in a wooden Colonial style for some reason. Anyway, James is having a make believe tea party with his adorable daughters, Chloe and Sophia, while his wife, Valeria, stands off to the side in complete silence. He tells the tale of their classic love story. Investment Banker by day/playboy at night, meets beautiful girl at club, gets her preggers and then settles down. He hasn’t had a drink in five years now. Family is everything to James, which includes David, who has now joined the tea party and they both end up wearing bejeweled tiaras.
David and James have been keeping their beady little eyes on a spec home for the past two years, which is amazing since they have only been in Los Angeles for three years?! They have actually been stalking the developer, hoping to get their piece of the pie in Holmby Hills, one of the most sought after areas in Beverly Hills. The house has been completed and it really is gorgeous. If you like modern, the lines are clean, the finishes superb, and the landscaping impeccable. Their moxie has paid off. The developer, Alessandro, has agreed to meet with them. However, they are met there by Stefano instead who is there representing Alessandro. The hunky rep knows all about their creeping and is onto them. The looks on the Brits faces tell it all. There is no f-ing way we are getting this 1.3 acre, 16k sq. ft. listing! Stefano hems and haws and eventually throws his hands in the air, basically saying this is not my cray cray idea, but you have the listing. A $48m listing!!! OMG!! The boys are really going to soil their shorts now. And with a ‘take that Josh Altman and San Circle’ jab, the boys cheerio up the stairs. Seriously, you could have cued the Mary Poppins music right then and there.
Josh Flagg now gathers his newly formed team of assistants, Hilary and Cory, to strategize over wannabe RHOBH Laney’s house in Bel Air Crest. They all work the phones and eventually bring in realtor, Ninkey. What an awesome name, no?! Ninkey has an all cash buyer, but full asking might be a stretch for her client. Despite that I have a good feeling about this one. Go Ninkey!
Later that evening, Josh takes his grandmother, Edith Flagg, to dinner at La Dolce Vita in Beverly Hills. Edith is a vision – her hair has been blow out, makeup perfectly applied, and she is wearing the most gigantic pearls ever plucked from the sea. ‘They’re heavy’ she says matter of factly. Hands down the best scene ever, and perhaps, one of her last? This woman was truly a treasure and her spontaneous life nuggets were the best, like a female Yogi Berra! When Josh describes his new Bel Air Crest listing and its client, Laney, she responds ‘What kind of woman is that? They think about themselves all the time!’ Boy, did she have her pegged. Edith had that sixth sense that cuts through all the BS and she could get away with it, too! And how precious of Josh to notice that she could apply lipstick without a mirror? Only for her to wipe it off again so that she could eat! Love love loved every minute of it.
David and James are back at the office strategizing over what they are calling the most expensive spec home in the city. Is it worth the asking price? I’d be curious to know what other agents think. According to David, or is it James? presentation is most important in selling this property. Just a thought, shouldn’t the house sell itself, if it’s that amazing? I mean they’ve been watching it for two friggin’ years!!! The Brits round up their team. Tu will handle the photography, Sophia the artwork, while Kyle drones on and on about corporate sponsorship or something or other. James is pacing back and forth and expresses his concerns about non-focused marketing. Could this be foreshadowing? And more importantly, can there be two Kyle’s in Mauricio’s world? Isn’t one enough?? Apparently not!
Meanwhile, Josh Altman is still working San Circle and meets with agent Rob who has a client ‘in the business’ (aka porn industry) who would be interested. Josh seems to know this type of client well and points out that the see through tub would be appreciated. Something I would never think of in a million years, but now it has me thinking, would I want that if…? It just seems like a lot of maintenance would be involved on the part of the bathtub and myself.
The Brits follow up at the spec house with an Equinox representative, where Kyle the drone has arranged for a Lifestyle video about Pilates instructor to be filmed. This is their corporate sponsorship?? Ashley, the rep, says that it will be shown in all of their clubs and rattles off some statistics. Sounds like a brilliant plan – for Equinox! No wonder James is still concerned. No doubt he is the smarter one of the two. While James frets away, David hits on the fitness model at the shoot. Bet you didn’t see that coming a mile away? You can tick that cliché box now. James says that his friend is a total monogamist who is in a committed relationship but can still get his flirt on. If I ever see this video, I will never get this cheesy scenario out of my head.
The Altman Brothers meet with their own team to discuss San Circle as there are no offers on the table after numerous showings. The ‘industry’ folks never circled back to San Circle. So much for the bathtub. Teammate Helena says that Russian buyers are now looking at modern properties as opposed to castles. Uh huh. If we could only fast forward that comment to present day. Teammate Nick mumbles something about video marketing. If we are doing analogies here – Nick: The Altman Bros: Kyle: The Brits! Lastly, teammate Aowen informs Josh that the Asian market is all about investing in a vacation home to be used only one month out of the year. The key is to ‘offer them the dream’ and not ‘sell them the dream’ (in Mandarin) because the latter is too tacky. I thought that was pretty much tacky in any language? Josh claims that he is now multilingual with all these new catch phrases. Nyet.
Josh Flagg meets with Laney in his office. Agent Ninkey has brought him a solid cash offer of $8.6. ‘Not gonna happen’ she says. Nice guy Josh lets Laney stay in the room while he negotiates with Ninkey on speakerphone. WTH?? This woman cannot keep her trap shut. Poor Ninkey. It pains me to watch this transpire after witnessing the lovely dinner with his grandmother. She would be horrified. After a little back and forth, Josh accepts their cash offer at $9m with 30-day close. He does not ask Laney for permission. Uh oh. I think that we are in for another episode with this woman. Ugh.
Josh Altman meets his sidekick, Mikey, at his home for lunch. I must admit that I would love to see more than what they are showing of his new home. Anyway, the two shoot the breeze about the good old high school days. Mikey was the cool kid. Of course. Josh was a jock. His plan at ten years old was not to be a realtor, but a European soccer superstar with European girlfriends galore. Mikey points out that didn’t happen but he still got the girl. Their talk turns to wedding planning, naturally, and how difficult it is for Josh to plan a wedding and run a business. Can’t he just call in some more chits and get the whole thing planned for him as well as comped? Seems like a no-brainer to me. And where is Heather in all this? Guess we find out next week.
Back at the office, Josh meets his ‘mini-me’ in potential intern, Jacob. The kid is wayyyy nervous and sweating like, well, you know. Josh then quizzes the kid and is impressed with his knowledge of all things Josh Altman. The kid is in the zone. He is worthy of fetching Josh a cup of coffee now. I just hope he doesn’t get the Sonja Morgan treatment. See RHONY. And he better like Syracuse football and basketball. Nice touch with the helmet, Josh.
With the video in the can, the Brits are back at the office whiteboard revisiting the spec house strategy. It all seems very junior to me. Were flip charts not available? James worries whether marketing is going to get the property sold. The sound of realtors’ jaws dropping can be heard around the world. I think that what he is trying to say but could not articulate is – have we wasted too much precious time on this stupid Pilates video? Then the answer is yes, James. He and David start to bicker like an old married couple. Team Brit is nowhere to be found. Will they ever get on the same page? Have they bit off more than they could chew? I see that next week they are bringing in the big gun, Mauricio, to possibly move things along. Only time will tell.
The Altman Brothers are super excited to meet with Danny, the developer of San Circle, at a wine shop. Teammate Aowen has found him a Korean buyer with a $7m all cash offer. I think we should just assume that it is an all cash offer at this point and only note when it is not! So just like with Laney, this offer is ‘not acceptable’ to Danny. Haggle boys, haggle! Matt Altman steps up, steps outside, and shows everyone how it’s done. We have a done deal at $7.45m. San Circle sold. Salut! I’m liking Matt’s calm, cool and collected demeanor. It’s a nice contrast to the Brit yips running around in circles. In their stuffy banker suits. By the way, does Matt look fantastic or what?! He’s trimmed down and is using the self-tanner. Nothing wrong with upping it a little in the grooming department. He’s got me wondering what is going on in his private life. Hmmm.
With San Circle finally in the rear view mirror, I’m looking forward to some fresh property next week.
TELL US – WOULD YOU PAY $48 MILLION FOR THAT HOLMBY HILLS PROPERTY? DO YOU MISS MADISON?
Recap Author: Maura
Photo Credit: Bravo TV