The ladies of Real Housewives Of New York are still in Turks and Caicos, but they’re starting to panic, one mosquito caught in a macrame dress after another. Of course Ramona Singer is annoying everyone, and if there were Ramona-Off, it would be in constant use.
Bethenny Frankel is making lunch, because I’m sure there’s some Skinnygirl salad from her book, or she was trying to pimp her new Skinnygirl salad dressing or salad tongs or salad croutons made of compressed air and over-active imagination of what carbs actually taste like. But drama with Ramona eclipsed her Skinnygirl Self-Promotion Brigade.
Ramona is demanding everyone eat lunch at a restaurant. Bethenny is pissed, because she’s been cooking and that’s hella rude on Ramona’s part! Bethenny chases Ramona around the beach house yelling that she’s manic. That, my friends, is the true definition of Irony By Bravo – Skinnygirl Margarita glass calling the Pinot Glass empty.
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Eventually, like two tantruming toddlers, they collapse from exhaustion. Bethenny and Ramona dissolve into laughter and everyone sits down for lunch. There was no reprieve from insanity, because then Bethenny and Ramona started having a conversation; which is indecipherable from when they’re arguing.
It sounds a lot like this <Volume Goes To 11> LKSGKJSKLJDHJSFLKHJSLKDGJSLKJG!! LKSFLJKLDG?!?! LKSDGLJKD!!!!!!!! LKASLGJSDLKGJA;LWKFL;AKSF?!?!?!
The gist of it: Ramona is writing a book about her life, and wants help with titles. Bethenny thinks first she should have a hook that arcs the story. Ramona has one – she is Ramona and of the Ramonacoaster Pinots. Then Bethenny starts barking orders like she’s VP of Editorial Acquisition at Simon & Schuster, and an expert. Yah, yeah Bethenny wrote a couple books with the aid of ghostwriters, but Carole Radziwill is the true author. Fearing a revival of last year’s Ghostwriter drama, she stays quiet and inspects her lettuce while Bethenny instructs Ramona to title her book “Work In Progress” because Ramona says the book is a work in progress.
Carole thinks, that coming from a 58-year-old, it might not be the idea you want to sell in a self-help memoir. Obviously.
Heather Thomson reminds Bethenny there is a book titled something similar but Bethenny snaps that nobody cares. Did I mention the ENTIRE time Bethenny was talking with her mouth full! Which would have been the perfect time for Luann de Lesseps to discretely slide her book across the table, bookmarked to the pages on Seaside Luncheon Etiquette At A French Chateau.
Heather leaves the table, muttering that Bethenny is a “know-it-all” and it’s annoying. Bethenny demands Heather say it to her face. First of all MotorMouth Mama – if Heather could get a word in edgewise – maybe she would. Second of all, 2 minutes ago Bethenny was sobbing that Heather needs to leave her alone and ignore her existence because she doesn’t want attention. Now she’s all prancing around in a bikini barking orders, erupting into arguments, dispensing business advice. Who’s manic?
Heather tells Bethenny she thinks she’s a know it all. So, Bethenny responds, “Maybe I know it all… If you want to know something, come to me.” However, fabulously, instead of the two alpha-bitches erupting into a full-on cage fight where Heather puts Bethenny in a choke hold using Yummie Tummie panty hose and Bethenny maces Heather with Skinnygirl Sparkling Wine until they both spontaneously combust into a puddle of alcohol-tinged glitter (coming soon to Skinnygirl!), they start laughing. Bethenny picks Heather up, throws her over her shoulder, and carries her out to sea and they simultaneously pants each other. It was the equivalent of Bethenny carrying Heather over the threshold, “Just Friends-ed”-style.
Afterwards everyone is in good spirits – Bethenny even examines Kristen Taekman‘s nail polish line and the ladies help her choose a bottle design. And *gasp* Bethenny is complimentary.
Since it’s Bethenny’s last night in T&C they all go out to a beach-side bar. Ramona wears a satin-floor length gown and swaps pinot for shots. Ramona is single and ready to mingle… which equates to sticking her [new, fake] tits out and using them to bump the other ladies out of the way in her man-snaring.
Ironically the bar was called the Conch Shack, but the way Ramona was acting it was more like “C@ck Shack!”
Bethenny knows the owner, who is single and rich, and when Ramona sniffs this out the Pinot-Cuda beelines over, snubs the other women, until she trapped the poor man against the bar to “flirt” with him. I think he was secretly texting 911 (or whatever the Turks and Caicos equivalent is – probably the bartender to distract Ramona with another shot).
Seriously – Ramona literally shoved the other women out of the way, turned her back on them, and then spent eons leering at this poor man. Bethenny and Heather snicker back at the table, and Bethenny realizes she likes Heather because she doesn’t take herself or life too seriously. Meanwhile Luann starts a conga line and pets a stray dog, because Luann is awesome.
The next morning Bethenny leaves and surprisingly she had fun! While Bethenny’s total personality transformation has won frienemies and influenced Housewives, Ramona everyone pissed everyone off being rude in her desperation for male attention. Unfortunately Ramona sees things very differently. In Ramona-land she’s been married for 25-years and is getting back out there. Plus, she spends all her time taking care of everyone else that she deiced this was her time to be selfish.
The ladies are going to a fabulous resort for a day of pampering. Ramona, sporting MORE MACRAMÉ (I swear – she has some sort of black market macramé sweat shop in her suitcase, which is run by Sonja Morgan‘s interns), is annoyed over being called out for breaking girlcode, so she and Sonja ditch the other girls and leave early.
They arrive at the resort in matching swimsuits and spend their time in the cabana doing impressions of how the other ladies will react when they finally show up to confront Tweedle Drunk and Tweedle Drunk & F–ked about their offenses. Ramona’s impersonations are hilarious. More hilarious – the other ladies beat Ramonja at their own game by arriving and sitting down to lunch without alerting the Tipsy Twins. When Ramona and Sonja realized lunch was served they hightailed it up to the suite as fast as their lucite stripper heels could carry them.
Ramona barges up to the table, barks to Dorinda Medley that she has corn on her face, plops down and starts ordering everyone around. It’s Ramona’s World and they’re all just living in it, drowning in the pinots of her delusions as they wash the sanity from shore, one macramé net-full at a time.
Carole confronts Ramona about her inconsiderate behavior and bad friendmanship at C@ck Shack, but Ramona explains she was in the zone (“Twilight Zone,” scoffs Luann, delicately picking apart a salad). Bitter about Carole calling her out over being desperate for male attention, Ramona snaps “You’re f–king a 28-year-old!” It was mean, and upset Carole. Both Ramona and Carole are obviously embarrassed about their immature and bizarre behavior with men and got defensive. I think it’s safe to say Ramona has finally learned the meaning of bros before hoes – when it comes to a man, her friends don’t matter!
Luann and Sonja use the time to leave the table and discuss their friendship. Luann is disappointed that while Sonja had her eruption of Mount Delusionvious she started throwing things in Luann’s face. Lu insists she wasn’t trying to be mean to SUN-Ja, just help, and for the first time something seemed to be sinking in for Sonja. Maybe because she considers Luann a real friend, maybe because Luann understands a horrible divorce, maybe because of her approach? Sonja and Lu cried together and Sonja admitted life is a mess and her ex is intentionally trying to hurt her.
That night the ladies hit the town and the Countess has one too many dirty martinis. “The Countess is more than tipsy,” quips Lady Morgan, “She’s quite lit-terally f–ked up!” Unfortunately all the dirty martini consumption led to an argument about dirty mouths where Luann and Dorinda confronted Heather about dropping F-bombs because it’s unlady-like, which is ridiculous! None of these women are saints – they all curse! This argument just made no sense. They were arguing over F-bomb inappropriateness while dropping F-bombs. It was one of the least sense-making arguments in the Housewives lexicons. If Luann and Saint Dorinda are so offended, put in earplugs when Heather’s around.
I’ll just chalk Luann’s stupidity to alcohol. But Dorinda… she started going Upper East Side Gangsta on Heather, ala Scary Socialite. Really bizarre. More bizarre – was that rice on her lip? Or corn from lunch? #NapkinsAreYourFriend #RoséIsNot
A lady knows her limits and Dorinda needs to back up her shit about schooling others about how to behave. She’s not Heather’s mother! And Luann, being a hypocrite doesn’t behoove you; we’ve all grown fond of your non-nonsense fun now that you’ve dropped the phony high priestess of etiquette schtick.
Kristen, in the midst of it, all beckons to the waiter, begging for wine. Her facial expressions, the pantomiming of guzzling wine, her prettttttttttttty fashions pay for themselves on RHONY. But seriously – perfect comic relief.
Whatever happened with Dorinda going off on Heather, was so “What the <four letter word>!?” I really wanted Sonja to bellow, “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, DORINDA?!” Then, mysteriously, Dorinda starts to cry and flees the table while yelling at Heather. Heather follows her, shooing Luann away. Dirty D – I was loving you, but this trip you are less hinged than a pinot-fueled Ramona in full Cougar Time.
Also can we get a .gif of Ramona’s after-shot face: it was the patented Singer crazy eyes, followed by turtle time neck rolls. On Singer, don’t ever get a clue.
TELL US – WHAT THE F–K WAS GOING ON WITH DORINDA? ARE BETHENNY AND HEATHER SOUL MATES?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]
