Heather Dubrow's face during cancergate

There is so much to cover in this episode of Real Housewives Of Orange County. The drama was as fast-paced as a NASCAR race and just as laden with fiery crashes. It was hard to know where to look with all the insults speeding past. I think Heather Dubrow‘s wide-eyed, defied the effects of Botox, shocked face said it best. You know something’s big when it supersedes the glamour of a 22,000 square-foot house with its own luggage room, and a lunch menu that features “sparkle cauliflower!” (That sounds like something from the Gretchen Christine Bootay Collection). 

Before all the hate comes love-ish. Vicki Gunvalson is getting into the business-side of filling love tanks and renting out her backyard for weddings, specifically the wedding of Tamra Judge‘s son Ryan. It also emerges that Vicki and Tamra attend the same church. Tamra is in chapter 2 of Bible For Dummies and is therefore ready to be baptized at the big church party. Dunking your head in a vat of wine does not count as accepting Jesus, Tamra.

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Over wedding planning, Tamra confesses to Vicki that her psychic had a vision of a cancer-free Brooks. Oh, and Meghan Edmonds was was kinda present when the psychic said that, and then Meghan kinda repeated it at CUT Fitness to Shannon Beador, but alluded that the psychic said Brooks was faking cancer, and so that’s why Shannon had the emotional breakdown during Brooks’ birthday dinner. 

Vicki chooses to interpret the psychic’s prophesy positively: Brooks has been CURED of cancer <Praise Jesus!> Vicki chooses to interpret Meghan’s meddling negatively: malicious in intent. Vicki points out the obvious that Meghan is 30 – and what the hell does she know (not much!). I’d like to make two points 1) I thought Meghan was 13 – she acts her shoe size, not her age.  2) Why are these women acting like Meghan, who is 34, is THAT young. It’s not. (I’m around Meghan’s age. Of course, I’m also smart enough to know who Tommy Lee is – the original celebrity sex tape star. DUH!). 

Vicki is furious at Meghan and will most certainly not be attend Meghan’s NASCAR-event. I really want Bravo to sponsor a NASCAR car with the Housewives pictures on it – because nothing says class and wealth like NASCAR. (I have attended NASCAR events – I am from WV.  I do have a t-shirt with Tweetybird driving a Jeff Gordon car…).

RHOC and NASCAR

Meghan has scored the backstage passes to NASCAR via her illustrious affiliation with Jim Edmonds. She gushes that it’s one of the perks of being married to Jim Edmonds. More like the ONLY perk (besides the fact that Jim Edmonds is rarely home). 

Heather looks around bemusedly and ponders turning her driveway into a NASCAR track, it could run right through the porte cochere. TV is so last year, Heather is going to bring true HD entertainment to the Dubrow Palace. She claps with glee. That glee is diminished when she realizes she has to have an annoying conversation with Meghan about how horrible Shannon is. “I hear you,” Heather’s face said, “and I’m imagining throwing you under the wheels of a car going 125 miles an hour. <SMILE>.” As a result of CUT-cancergate, Meghan got a scathing text from Vicki and blames Shannon for being “consistently inconsistent,” which equates to tattletale. 

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Tamra and Shannon arrive, the ladies race around the track, then start hitting the cocktails at 11-ish – and wind-up arguing about who is to blame for Vicki being angry at Meghan. (Not Meghan). Tamra actually fesses up to being the one who told Vicki about the psychic and the cancer comments coming from Meghan. All the ladies warn her she’ll be facing the wrath of Vicki, but Meghan is unperturbed. I’m actually surprised she didn’t wear a t-shirt that said, “#BringItOnBitch” to Heather’s luncheon.   

After a day at the races, Shannon and David return to the doldrums of marriage counseling. It’s Shannon’s 51st birthday and since David ruined her 50th birthday by mistress-having, and although Shannon claims she doesn’t have “high expectations” – she does. Shannon expects something big and fabulous to celebrate this birthday; an affair to combat an affair, per se. Unfortunately, David misunderstood – he thought Shannon wanted to do something fun with the whole family and took her to a sports bar for some wings and beer. It was probably the only restaurant left on the pre-approved no mistress-zone! Shannon doesn’t think it’s appropriate for children to be in a sports bar. Or touching sugar. Or coming into contact with meat that isn’t free-range, and was possibly prepared on a plastic cutting board, and handled with latex gloves. TOXINS!! 

The toxin overload made Shannon cry into her “sugary” ribs, whine incessantly, and hiss her discontent at David across the table. Fun for the whole family! Even a very large Grey Goose with extra limes couldn’t “fun” Shannon up. Shannon complains about the stress David’s affair has taken on their children – then why is she adding to it by throwing a tantrum over some fried meat? She needs to stop trying to control – yeast inevitably rises, honey! – and get Dr. Moon to prescribe ye some Xanax. Or whatever the holistic, homeopathic version of that is (cat tranquilizers?).

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On the opposite side of the birthday spectrum, Mr. Hallmark, of the Mississippi Bastardized Hallmarks, planned a surprise romantic dinner cruise for Vicki! Paid for by Vicki’s credit card under the memo ‘Alternative Cancer Treatment’?! Vicki pledges her never-ending support of Brooks and is overjoyed to finally have something be about her for once. In case you didn’t know Vicki spends soo much time and energy care-taking others in her life, she’s completely selfless. I imagine she believes selling life insurance falls under the category of helping and caring for others! *side-eye* However, David needs to borrow Vicki’s financial overlord and affirmations advisor, Brooks for some ideas about planning birthdays for the love-tank depleted woman in his life. 

Tamra is back to selling real estate now that Eddie is controlling her 51% of CUT Fitness. Her first order of real estate business is to secure a high-priced rental for Ryan, Sarah and their kiddos. They found a place that costs $3,500 per month, and the down-payment is almost $8k. Since Ryan is gainfully UNemployed (but has an interest-free, unlimited line of credit from the Bank of Bravo Tamra), Tamra pays the down-payment. The catch: She hasn’t told Eddie she’s footing the bill for Ryan’s move. And she doesn’t plan to! 

Tamra’s first client is Meghan, who proves she is the LAST person you ever want to be on a trivia team with! Tamra and Meghan tour Heather Locklear‘s old house, and Tamra dishes that rumor has it Heather made love to both Richie Sambora and Tommy Lee in this very bedroom. Meghan pretends to be too young to know celebrities of the from the golden years of Hollywood and wonders if Heather is a model. Meghan is older than I am – she’s seen Melrose Place (her roots indicate that). Furthermore, Meghan pretending TOMMY LEE is irrelevant while she’s married to a has-been MLB player who wears dad jeans and probably has an Ashley Madison account. Maybe Meghan is just so busy step-momming and being a cancer expert to keep abreast of pop culture? 

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Finally Heather throws her first official party at her mega-mansion. I don’t even know what to say about this, except I think Heather’s dress was actually a map of this castle of delusion and that explains all the criss-crossing lines. There are 14 bathrooms, including a “formal powder room” (no toileting-zone). Bathroom is not to be confused with “toilet room” because bathrooms are not for pooping. Terry has his own toilet room because he confessed to Heather that he had crabs in college. Since Heather won’t even touch onion rings because they’re disgusting, this means Terry is a Heather-free zone for life. 

Even Heather’s luggage has its own room, because the garage is so far from the elevator. During the grand tour, Heather acts as if she’s a docent at Versailles and demands people wear booties, no flash photography, stay with the group – and NO crossing the velvet ropes in the Chanel Emporium. There was even a mausoleum for deposed Housewives. It was so big Lizzie Rovsek got lost in the “Subterranean” (aka basement) and no one even noticed she was missing. 

Exactly what is Heather planning to do with all that space? Rent it out to divorced Housewives, or better yet – fired ones? Create a foundling home for abandoned and neglected couture? Perhaps she can get into the wedding business with Vicki. Whatever the case, it’s ridiculous. BUT not as ridiculous as the argument that is about to erupt during a lunch which consists of something called “sparkle cauliflower” – this is what happens when you combine Lisa Frank taste with Housewives Pretensions. Or maybe glitter is low calorie or something… in that case start snacking on your Bonne Belle LipSmackers girls! 

Vicki has decided she will not give Meghan the satisfaction and plans to kill her with kindness. (Later replaced with “Take her down”), but Meghan wants a fight and wants it now! She confronts Vicki about the issue of Brooks, the psychic, and the cancer rumors, and it erupts from there. Heather can rename her house Mount Dubruvious. 

Heather is speechless – this is not the way she imagined christening her new home. Heather, with her patented [because she’s a famous actress] appalled-judgey face, glances back and forth at the shrieking harridans. I am sure thinking, ‘Ladies, Brooks is so not worth all this stress and aggravation’ which causes wrinkles, good thing you have Terry on speed dial because I need more marble for dog’s mudroom. 

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Vicki calls Meghan out for spreading gossip and says Brooks‘ treatment is none of her business. Instead of Meghan sticking to her guns and announcing she doesn’t believe Brooks has cancer, like she SAID she was going to, she backpedals and starts crying about how she is concerned and cares about Brooks because and cancer is sooo close to her heart. After all LeeAnn is ill and LeeAnn’s cancer is all. about. Meghan. Meghan cares SOOO much about Brooks, she has been researching his diagnosis – and if he isn’t going to do chemo he clearly doesn’t want to get well.

Meghan tries to blame Tamra and Shannon for her suspicions, because they told her Vicki has never been to any of Brooks‘ doctors appointments. Which Vicki denies (so do Tamra and Shannon).

So, Meghan is spending all her time when she’s supposed to be “super step-momming” Hayley researching Brooks cancer diagnosis to disprove him? Then she’s dragging LeeAnn’s personal business all over this show? Interesting… 

If Brooks doesn’t want to do chemo, it’s not any of their business. And anyone who has done as much so-called research as Meghan claims she has, would know that chemo is NOT the only effective way to treat cancer. And newsflash, WebMD does not an oncologist make (nor does reading ‘Seeing The Future For Dummies’). Furthermore, comparing LeeAnn’s life and illness to another person’s is irrelevant. 

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The bottom line is this: Meghan isn’t concerned with Brooks‘ health or making sure he gets the most competent care; Meghan is concerned with promoting her own vendettas and making Vicki look bad. Also Meghan needs to stop hijacking other people’s tragedies as her storyline – her stepdaughter’s struggles, her husband’s ex-wife’s health, and now Brooks so-called cancer scam based on the word of an online psychic and google.

Vicki tells Meghan to stay out of it and shut up. Meghan responds by calling Vicki a “bitter old woman” and Vicki’s mouth drops. That may be true, but Meghan is 30 and her love tank is no fuller. Third wives in glass houses their wandering husband paid for shouldn’t cast bitter stones. Judge lest ye be judged! 

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