Vito Scalia bathrobe

Last night’s Manzo’d With Children was brought to you by the letter V. V as in Vito Scalia, but also for “Vessel,” losing your Manzo Virginity, and Visiting the library. But mostly V is for Vito and all the ways he is passive aggressively trying to use his voice. (V is for Voice). 

Lauren Manzo‘s wedding will include 300 hundred people and 300 hundred Italian traditions, but only one corsage. Vito’s mom, Denise, comes over, pushing her dog in a stroller, to see where her son will be spending the rest of his remaining days. Lauren asks her if she wants a corsage at the wedding – of course she does! She’s the mother of the groom and that is an honor that must be signified. Caroline Manzo “wouldn’t be caught dead in a corsage.” She describes Vito’s mother as a “firecracker” and explains they’re different, yet the same.

Time for some standardized test prep! Different, but similar-style with Caroline and Denise.

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Caroline is like Denise in that they are both Italian traditionalists. But Caroline accepts that it’s 2015. However Vito’s parents still think it’s “Brooklyn, 1958.” Meaning not only does Vito still live at home, but his mommy folds his shirts, organizes his closet, makes his bed (and turns it down before tucking him in.), and cooks all his meals.

Denise expects Lauren to continue all of Vito’s babying, and according to Caroline, Denise refers to Vito as a “miracle.” But Caroline is different – of course she thinks of her blessed sons as miracles, but she doesn’t expect their wives to! (Because she never wants them to find wives?). 

Can Lauren mommy Vito right?

Denise brings Lauren “As Seen On TV” shirt folding apparatus and teaches Lauren the proper way to fold Vito’s polo shirt collection. She also lectures Lauren on what type of milk Vito likes and with what. Also he must have chunky PB. Chunky -naturally. 

Lauren think she gets it. She has noooooo idea. 

Chris writes a children's book

While Lauren is being schooled in regression, Christopher is being driven to the library for story hour. He’s decided to write a children’s book and mommy is helping him do research in the children’s section. Chris is there writing away, and perusing other books for inspiration, when the librarian informs he can’t be in the children’s section without a child. Apparently having the mind of a 4-year-old doesn’t count! The library counts in chronological age, unlike Caroline. She drives him home but encourages him to keep going and pursue his dream – even if he has to move home to accomplish it!

Chris debuts his first draft to Albie and Caroline. It’s called You Don’t Want That Penny, and it’s about a little boy named Oliver who shares his lucky penny to save a little girl’s dog. It was um… yeah, I didn’t get it. Was there more to the story? (pun intended!). Caroline thinks he’s gonna find a publisher ASAP. 

Tears on Albie's guitar

Meanwhile Albie is hanging out, brooding, and dropping tears on his guitar as he strums a few cords while sitting on mommy’s front porch. It was part Taylor Swift/part “Say Anything”. Vito comes over to visit Lauren but first he and Albie discuss being roommates again because Vito will soon be moving in! Albie encourages Vito to “be himself” by doing what he would normally do in his own house  – this includes constantly wearing a robe, having gross toenails, and using his stomach as a plate. 

While Caroline and Lauren are chatting in the kitchen, Vito, wearing a barely-secured robe, waltzes in and drinks milk straight from the carton. Lauren and Caroline are disgusted. “I’m just being myself!” argues Vito. Methinks Vito was trying to make a bad impression so the offer to live at Caroline and Al’s would be rescinded.

Vito's just being Vito!

Caroline doesn’t take the bait, “Vito’s trainable,” she announces. The next morning Caroline describes how Lauren is having second thoughts after seeing “the real Vito.” (Mind you – Lauren and Vito have been together for like 900 years!). When Vito comes downstairs, Caroline addresses him as “My son” and lectures him about what goes on in Casa de Manzo – which is exactly Vito’s issue. What about Vito being comfortable in what will soon be his home too? 

Caroline solved that problem with a little trip the scrapbooking aisle at Michaels. She presents Vito with a bunch of stickers and tells him if he wants to drink straight from the carton he has to label the item with a “V” sticker. This is how Vito is losing his virginity to the way of the Manzo. Lauren is relieved that Vito has seen the stickers on the wall of how things go at Ma and Pa Smothers!

Since Caroline believes it’s important for families to blend when couples get married, they all make the trek to Vito’s family restaurant. It’s grown from a deli to Scalia & Co. When the Scalias and the Manzos converge there’s a lot of loud talking and arguing! And Denise makes it known that as soon as the wedding is over she expects Lauren and Vito to do it right there on the table and produce an heir a grandchild. “You’re a vessel!” she lectures Lauren, who can’t hide her shock as Chrissofart laughs hysterically and gathers material for his future Pulitzer prize winning novel written in mommy’s craft room. 

One big happy family!

Vito’s father is worried about Vito being able to perform “in his mother-in-law’s house” but he is silenced when the mommies agree that Vito and Lauren aren’t mature enough to live on their own and need supervision. Caroline is up to the daunting task! 

Vito argues that they want to wait 3-years to have children, so they can “travel.” Both sets of parents laugh uproariously at the idea and wonder if Vito means travel from his family restaurant to Franklin Lakes? “You can’t even afford a house – how youse gonna travel?” wonders Al. Well that’s settled – Vito and Lauren have assumed the identity of their parents and might as well have never left kindergarten. I guess they’re getting condoned regression for a wedding gift!

Also, Caroline complained she would never wear a corsage, yet she wore a a jacket with a giant flower pin to dinner. SO bizarre! 

TELL US – WILL VITO AND LAUREN EVER GAIN THEIR INDEPENDENCE?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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