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The Real Housewives of New York train has been puttering slowly out of the station for the past two weeks, but last night, it finally picked up steam – thanks to Ramona Singer reminding us why she is the dirtiest player in the game, and Dorinda Medley heating up her cold war with Sonja Morgan. All of the drama ensues on a weekend trip to the Hamptons to celebrate Ramona’s birthday, where Tinsley Mortimer hopes to eventually find her sea legs with the new sea creatures women in her world. The many faces of Sonja will not make this an easy feat.

We open with the ladies settling in to their respective Hamptons homes – Carole Radziwill is bunking at Bethenny Frankel’s Skinnygirl pad, Dorinda is staying at Luann De Lesseps’ house, Ramona is chillin’ at her abode because no one can abide her, and Sonja has somehow convinced unnamed “friends” to lend their house to Tinsley and her for the weekend (which they’ll arrive at the following day). Bethenny is hoping Carole can cool her jets on the election talk, while Luann is showing Dorinda how to literally cool her nether-regions on her super fancy crapper. “It’s the Cadillac of toilets!” squeals the soon to be ex-Countess.

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As Bethenny and Carole mull around in the kitchen, Bethenny reveals that Sonja’s been texting/calling her incessantly, with the express intention of trashing Luann and Dorinda. She’s STILL upset about the Berkshires snub last year, and she’s been tossing her rusty two cents about Luann and Tom into every interview she’s done lately (as part of her bigly popular way-off-around-the-corner-Broadway show).

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Cut to Sonja’s home in NYC, where Tinsley wisely advises her to stop trashing her friends in the press – especially when it comes to Luann, who just wants to be supported in her (questionable) decision to marry Tom. She doesn’t care if he slept with every Jane, Dick, and Sonja on the UES! He’s making her a “Mrs.” and that’s that. Sonja cannot grasp this concept, though, lamenting how wroooooong it is for a “good friend” to marry her one-time LOVAH! She does regret not inviting Dorinda to her tea party, however.

Back in the Hamptons, Dorinda sarcastically jokes about not being invited to Sonja’s Mad Hatter’s party. Luann laughs, filling Dorinda in on Lady Morgan’s newest halfway house resident: Tinsley. But Dorinda is more concerned with a recent pic sent to her from Luann’s bachelorette party in which Sonja is being doggy-styled by a stripper. If this is a sober person, then Dorinda would like to see the sort of oxygen she’s been huffing. It should also be noted that these are live iPhone photos, which hilariously depict the stripper giving a jaunty little half-thrust with each pic flip. Bwahahahaha!

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Over at Bethenny’s, Carole thinks about her upcoming election party – and the election itself (only three days away), which is giving her malaise. She wants a mellow weekend, so when Bethenny mentions seeing Ramona later, she sighs the sigh of a woman who knows that mellow is now decidedly out of the question. At least Ramona won’t be coming to Carole’s election party – because she won’t be invited! Bethenny just wants Carole to climb out of the election rabbit hole though, hoping she can enjoy at least 48 hours in the Hamptons without cutting a b*tch. Bethenny sighs, “Carole doesn’t want to talk to anybody who isn’t at her level of information.” That “anybody” is Ramona.

So, relaxation is in order. While Luann, her daughter Victoria, and Dorinda take Luann’s (Tom’s?) boat out for a spin, Carole and Bethenny get acupuncture. Bethenny likes faux-spirituality, and she also likes riling Carole up apparently, because she decides to talk to Carole about the ELECTION while they’re getting needled up. But Carole escapes Bethenny’s questions by focusing on her bigger issues – like toe fungus and crooked teeth. She’d like those fixed, please. Carole knows that Bethenny acts like nothing shakes her, but she’s got personal stress going on with her ex-husband that seems to have no end in sight. The therapist slaps hot cups on Bethenny’s back in an effort to suck the bad juju out of her skin.

Speaking of bad juju, Carole doesn’t think Luann will bring up the Tom dirt that Bethenny dredged up last year when they get together for dinner tonight. Luann prefers a wholesale “Jedi mind sweep,” says Carole, who will have Bethenny’s red-welted back no matter what fresh hell awaits them.

As Bethenny and Carole arrive at dinner later, they greet Ramona soon afterward, who’s arriving just off a visit to daughter Avery’s sorority parents’ weekend. Oh lordt! Ramona fancies herself the “cool mom” who is more of a friend to these fresh faced co-eds than a 50-year old sh*t starter who’s deeply embarrassed herself on national TV for eight years. Still reeling from the high of reliving her lost youth, she’s insulted immediately when Bethenny doesn’t scream YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL! at a pic she shares of Avery’s event. Maybe this is why Ramona is locked and loaded to attack in 3…2…1…

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But before she mauls her prey, Luann and Dorinda arrive to mix it up a little. Dorinda brings up the dreaded election, which Carole shuts down just in case Ramona wants to add her single thought. When the conversation breaks into factions, Bethenny warns Ramona about Carole’s election party (wait – is she invited after all?). “She doesn’t want anyone there who’s not informed,” cautions Bethenny, which is a milder version of wearing an I’M WITH STUPID t-shirt and standing directly next to Ramona.

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But Ramona has stinkier fish to fry. She awkwardly circles around to “stuff people bring up from your past” to Bethenny – i.e., some softcore porn starring Bethenny that’s surfaced in the press. *Record Scratch* Not missing a beat, Bethenny cops to the video, which she made 25 years ago when she was trying to be an actress. Mmmkay. Ramona plays the innocent act, wondering if Bethenny’s 6-year old daughter, Brynn, has been affected? Bethenny’s all, “Yeah, Diane Sawyer was at her playground.” She has no time for this messy broad, and Dorinda can’t even believe the balls on Ramona to go for the jugular before they’ve even finished half a drink!

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Ramona gets huffy when she doesn’t get the reaction from Bethenny she’s looking for, complaining now that they can’t talk about ANYTHING! Not the election, not softcore porn! Hmmmmmph! Bethenny shields herself from Ramona’s bizarre barbs with the sharpest weapon she has: Her sarcasm. And this makes Ramona’s crazy eyes even crazier. The angle Ramona used for the attack is what is lighting a rage-fire in Bethenny’s soul right now, though. To use “concern” for her daughter as the conduit to conversation about idle gossip, says Bethenny, “is a new low for Ramona – and Ramona’s low is low already.”

Luann just wonders if Ramona’s been studying slapstick, given her pie-in-face delivery? No one can believe this chick is for real, but now the porn is on the table, so there’s no choice but to talk about it – which Bethenny good-naturedly does (or acts like she does) for a few minutes before moving on. Deflated by Bethenny’s lack of reaction, Ramona starts accusing Bethenny of not being willing to talk like “good friends” do. You know – about dogs, children, boobs on film – what have you! “Let’s face it, she’s being a B.I.” snarks Ramona, who I assume just created an acronym for one word with two letters? What. The. Actual. F**k. Ramona? Her addled brain is a box of pigs, squealing to scramble out of that lunatic skull.

Oh no. Just no, no, no, no, no. Now Luann inserts herself into the conversation after whispering with Ramona about Bethenny right in front of Bethenny. Ramona is at FULL TILT outraged now, calling Bethenny out on her overall behavior, which has been abhorrent in the past. Luann agrees that Bethenny is selfish and cold, but Bethenny claims to have zero f–ks to give about Luann’s opinion. Luann is like, meh. Who cares? Meanwhile, Dorinda ponders crawling under the table. She cannot believe sh*t has gone from zero to ten in three minutes, tops.

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Ramona piles on that Bethenny didn’t engage with Tinsley at Sonja’s party (true), which Bethenny also cops to. She claims she was polite to everyone there, but that’s not enough for this table. “This is a witch over here,” Ramona snarks, finally giving up on her attempts to crack Bethenny. (Does Luann call her “wicked” in response? It’s tough to hear, but apparently so.) At these remarks, Bethenny decides it’s time to bounce. And bounce, she does – with Carole right behind. Luann notes that she’s been called worse than witch and wicked by Bethenny in the past, so turnabout is fair play. At least in the Countess’s book of etiquette.

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Turning from that dumpster fire to a calmer scene elsewhere, Sonja and Tinsley finally arrive at their borrowed Sag Harbor estate. On the agenda? Settling into rooms and testing the beds for potential shagging capabilities. Well, that’s Sonja’s main objective, anyway. Feeling rejected and cast off is Sonja’s constant emotional state this season – and in life – so she’s taking this girl-about-town routine to the sheets. She wonders if these rooms are soundproof? Already growing visibly weary of Sonja’s desperation, Tinsley sighs that she wishes Sonja’s room at home was. Soundproof, that is. Cause don’t nobody want to hear Sonja’s postcoital sobbing.

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The next day, Ramona, Luann, and Dorinda meet for a drink – and to discuss their new alliance against Bethenny (sans Dorinda). They rehash the night before, which Ramona claims was entirely shocking considering the kid gloves she used in approaching the subject! Delusion, thy name is Turtle Time. Dorinda agrees that Bethenny uses sarcasm as a defense, but also knows that Ramona’s cartoon sledgehammer approach left a lot to be desired. Luann’s just thrilled someone finally served Bethenny, considering what she dished out to her last year in the Berkshires.

Back at her house, Bethenny thinks about Ramona’s latest tirade, calling it worse than the Brooklyn Bridge incident, which saw Ramona telling Bethenny (eons ago) that she’s a bad person who will end up alone. OUCH. Carole agrees that Ramona is off her meds, her rocker, the chain. She needs a muzzle. What Bethenny needs is not to see her anytime soon, so she’s bowing out of the dinner at Ramona’s house later. No need for Berkshires 2.0: The Hamptons Chapter. Even Dorinda couldn’t MAKE IT NICE now, given Ramona’s glee over her rift with Bethenny.

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Back at the winery, Dorinda reveals that she was sent some info about Sonja blabbing in the press (Where does Sonja get all of this mysterious PRESS?! – oh, Facebook! Makes sense) about Luann’s “tacky” wedding – where “she wouldn’t be caught dead” – and some sort of “horrifying” slander about Dorinda and John. Dorinda says it’s game on now, Lady Morgan! She can hardly wait to see the whites of Sonja’s eyes tonight, where she’ll be roasting her on a hot spit before Sonja can say International Luxury Brand.

“She’s got a hard on for me,” says Dorinda. “And now I’ve got a hard on back.”

Sonja is none the wiser, chatting back home with Tinsley about how she can’t wait to play nice with Dorinda again. Tinsley, acutely nervous about this sketchy situation, dreads the drama that might be awaiting her. She just wants to introduce herself and keep it moving. But being linked to Sonja as Tattered Socialite #2 comes with more baggage than she packed in her eight overnight Louis Vuittons. #FreeTinsley!

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It’s the night of Ramona’s dinner party, and Dorinda looks both lovely and very Matrix-inspired. She’s ready for battle, b*tches! As the guests arrive, tension mounts. Until Sonja finally stumbles in with poor Tinsley in tow, unwittingly leading her new charge to the gladiators’ arena. Dorinda’s got a file on Sonja from a shady friend of a friend – which she tells Carole about, scaring her and her little journalism bones senseless! And she plans to use it tonight.

But we’ll have to wait until next week to see her whack Sonja upside the head with it. Or just order her to get whacked. Because, I don’t know, man. Dorinda suddenly seems like the kind of badass chick who could arrange that sh*t.

TELL US: WAS RAMONA OUT OF LINE WITH BETHENNY, OR DID BETHENNY DESERVE TO BE CALLED OUT? WILL SONJA BE ABLE TO GET BACK INTO DORINDA’S GOOD GRACES, OR IS IT GAME OVER? 

Photo Credit: Bravo

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