Shiva Safai may be 33 years younger than Mohamed but that doesn’t mean she’s immature. Shiva moved to L.A. at 19; her brothers soon followed, so she’s spent the ensuing years mothering them and desperately steering them out of the arms of overly-sexy hoochies. It’s a constant battle. Her brother Shayan especially has difficulty meeting a lady of appropriate means, so Shiva volunteers to fix him up with a girl who isn’t too sexy – someone more like herself: caring, maternal,
gold digging, perfect.
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Mohamed, who has a long history of marrying (or staying engaged to) beautiful women, also eagerly offers to help find some ladies for Shayan. I mean it’s kind of his area of expertise, right?! But, given Mohamed’s history of questionable taste
marrying Yolanda Foster, Shiva decides to make a little bet with her fiancé to see who finds the girl Shayan prefers. So the race is on!
Veronica Obeng‘s life is in shambles, but she can still throw a good party! Her brother just graduated with his PhD
in hotness so Veronika invites all her entire family, plus most of her friends over for a casual BBQ and super competitive family basketball game. Veronika even invites Morisa Surrey – who needs a little cultural awareness immersion training. And before she can even finish warning her family members that Morisa might naively drop a racial-ish slur, or whip out her breast pump mid-appetizer, Morisa walks through the door and the only faux pas she commits is wearing wedge heels instead of sneakers. Instead Morisa, who can’t cook and doesn’t even know where the food is kept in her house, gets thrown into an impromptu cooking lesson where our naive little moppet touches a potato for the very first time… like a virgin!
When Shiva and Katie Cazorla arrive and see Morisa cooking, they both beeline for the wine STAT. Katie is so afraid she starts digging through the bar for the ‘good stuff’. It turns out Shawna has that when she arrives chewing on a piece of weed chocolate to deal with her anxiety – don’t worry she’s got a medical marijuana card! Maybe Shawana’s anxiety is triggered by the impending doom of Lorenzo constantly calling her back to him
to change his Depends or because Tania Mehra didn’t get the invite and Shawna may accidentally-on-purporse let Tania know that after her phony yacht party and constant drama started, she’s been banished to the friend dingy for life – and their ain’t no life boat circling her waters, only sharks!
The other person not there is Veronika’s husband Michael. She pretends he’s working. Katie’s nose is twitching over time, sensing that Veronika is NOT telling her something about Michael, but luckily she’s distracted by opening her own tea bar (I think tea plus real bar) called Hi SocieTea. It’s consuming every moment of Katie’s life the way she consumes Taco Bell. What’s she not consuming in exchange, is Walter, who feels neglected. Katie is actually straight up ignoring him while she scurries around running her nail bar, while simultaneously opening the tea bar. Meanwhile poor dejected Walter is shuffling around, lost and wandering outside the retirement community, looking for his life alert.
Walter tries to surprise Katie at work with a lunch date, but she just barks at him to get her another cup of coffee and banishes him again. Katie’s assistant Alex is even shocked. Katie admits she’s put ever-loving Walter last on her priority list and even she worries how much he’ll put up with before he breaks. Realizing she better do damage control or it’ll be back to living in low societeeeee, they take their vespas (so cute!) on a dinner date, where Walter’s suggestions that they finally tie the knot triggers an allergy attack. Oh Katie… Apparently she can only commit to work, friends, nail polish, gossip, and um…wine – anything but Walter!
Veronika’s husband must share a similar affliction.
Deciding she has to be honest with Katie about Michael’s affair – even if she worries that Katie may show up at his office and blow the place up, thus destroying any chance at Veronika’s alimony – they meet for dinner. And the tale Veronica tells is even worse than imagined! It turns out Michael was having an affair while Veronika was pregnant with her youngest, with one of her own friends! Who regularly spent time at their house while the affair was taking place. Even worse every time Michael traveled for business (exactly why does a plastic surgeon with 8 kids do so much international travel?!), his mistress went with him, which led to the secret Instagram page that busted the whole thing wide open.
When Veronika confronted Michael, he claimed the woman was stalking him and threatened to call the police, but eventually admitted to the affair. He wants Veronika to stay and forgive him again. Katie begins sharpening her nails with the blade of her knife, but Veronika remains eerily calm. She’s still in shock and doesn’t know what to do. Katie suggest stress relieving activities such as bike riding, or telling jokes, or… getting a medical marijuana card and a full-time nanny. Or making an album with Walter, because apparently Veronika is also a singer.
Luckily, Veronika has Morisa to make her life worse by revealing to Tania that everyone but her was invited to the BBQ, where guess what – Morisa learned to cook! Like for real! And oh yeah, nobody missed Tania! Morisa is so casual about this because in Morisa’s mind there is nothing. Literally.
Tania goes home and complains to her
daddy fiancé Dean that her friends are bitchy but keep blaming her for causing trouble. Dean makes things better by buying Tania a new closet to store all her Instagram modeling costumes in. A revived Tania decides to throw some fertilizer on the girls in the hopes they’ll grow up. Like duh – she has like important stuff going on, like finding elephants for her wedding or photocopying wedding invites, and she manages to remain composed in the process!
Meanwhile, Shiva and Mohamed take their war to the streets to find Shayan the perfect girl. Is one of Veronika’s sisters single? That family has AMAZING genes!
They each bring a friend and cruise around Rodeo interviewing random women and requesting selfies, like sober Joe Francis-style. Frankly it was creepy. Mohamed spent forever chatting up a beautiful woman without bothering to find out if she was single or not. She wasn’t. When Shayan reviews the results of their scavenger hunt, Shiva is shocked that Mohamad didn’t even manage to find available women, yet it’s all in vain because Shayan has been quietly seeing someone for the last month. Just in case, though, he’d totally go for one of Shiva’s picks. Hopefully not the one who had fuzzy caterpillars on her eyes instead of eyelashes.
Shiva hopes whatever girl Shayan is seeing meets her approval, or since she’s now a PI of meeting girls she could probably just tail her around L.A. Which is totally what Veronika should’ve done with Michael if only she had the time. Seriously – how does Michael even have the time to have an affair?!
Michael and Veronika meet for a camera-free dinner because he wants to give their marriage another chance. Veronika is even more confused after the dinner and shares with Shiva that Michael wants to get couples counseling. Shiva gushes that this is wonderful news, because Shiva has apparently been sucking on some of Shawna’s weed candy?! Or maybe she thinks counseling will help Veronika find answers? Regardless, eternal optimism from perfectly coiffed gold-digging mind was not the sort of advice Veronika was hoping for. Next time – call Katie for some suitable outrage, copious tea-spiked wine, and plots of poisoned burritos or bombs in the Bentley’s champagne cooler.
Too bad Katie is busy desperately trying to get Hi SocieTea open – and nothing is going right. Days before the final health inspection, there’s a plumbing mishap, then they fail the inspection anyway because they were supposed to have a blender but didn’t. When Katie’s assistant shares the news, Katie loses it. After two years of work, Hi SociTea won’t open on time and Katie has to cancel the grand opening party. Eeks!
Hi SocieTea Climbing is harder than Katie could’ve ever imagined. On a bright note, it looks like her tea room finally open – it has a ton of great reviews on Yelp and looks super cute. Good things come to those who wait – someone pass the memo along to Walter!
TELL US – WOULD YOU LET MOHAMED OR SHIVA SET YOU UP? DID VERONIKA DO THE WRONG THING BY NOT INVITING TANIA TO THE PARTY?
[Photo Credits: E!]