Katie Cazorla - Second Wives Club recap

Last night’s Second Wives Club was all about miscommunication. Like, was the boat supposed to be a yacht? Is owning a nail salon worse than being an Instagram model? Is “junky” a compliment? Does “single” on Facebook mean single in real life? Oh the quandaries to ponder!

Tania Mehra is “busy” “planning” her wedding. Sometimes. No one is sure if this wedding is an actual thing or some sort of figment of Tania’s imagination where pigs fly on wings of diamonds and dinghies sail to Cannes with P. Diddy on  board. To keep up the pretense, Tania invites some of the girls to a tasting of potential wedding food. Katie Cazrola‘s appetite is lost by sitting next to Morisa Surrey‘s constant chatter. Like, can a Pisces eat fish or is that cannibalism? Is a farmed salmon still a real salmon?

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The real question is wherefore out thou Veronika Obeng? She hates Morisa too, and Katie needs an ally amid this sea of crazy. Katie escapes to call Veronica. She gets only a terse answer that everything is fine, but she’s in no mood for fish-tasting. Michael has been doing plenty of that in his spare time! Veronika isn’t ready to tell anyone – not even her close friend Katie that she caught Michael having an affair (again). When Veronika suddenly hangs up, Katie realizes something fishy is going on and she plans to get to the bottom of it!

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Also absent is Shiva Safai, but that’s because Tania didn’t invite her to the wedding. Poor Katie is her own island. So when in Crazytown, might as well do as the crazies do and guzzle thy wine.

So, Shawna Craig is gonna be an actress, come hell or Lorenzo Lamas‘s puppy dog eyes bleeding man-tears of lost nursemaid wives. While Shawna wants to be a working girl, Shiva wants to be a woman of leisure, but she doesn’t have the time. Maybe because it takes so long to get from one side of her house to the other that she’s never actually found the Turkish bath, and by the time she reaches the pool, the sun has set and it’s time to prepare Mohamed’s warm milk and cookies before bed.

Luckily with friends like Katie one has all the reminders they need of what it looks like to use the pool. Mermaid tail or not, Katie dives, dips, and swims into the pristine waters, while an almost fully covered and perfectly coiffed Shiva ‘sunbathes’ on the deck.

Katie has plenty of time for leisure – given that the only thing she does is run that little nail salon and guzzle wine. Tania has a real job. She wears skimpy clothes, attaches a giant balloon to the crown of her head, and then posts photos on Instagram. This is, like, legit, full-time, and very serious. Therefore she is well equipped to advise Shawna on the new head shots her new agent told her to get. Personally I think Shawna needs more help than either Tania or Katie could offer – like how could neither of these so-called friends let a “boo” know how bad her dye job is?

Shawna

Shawna visits Tania for a makeup lesson from her glam squad and admits she kinda hates being done-up. Shawna just wants to dress “junky, like Katie.” I guess “junky” means a $300 bikini instead of the $500 one Shiva wears? Tania, wise old owl of modeling and sage advisor of style, informs Shawna that Katie owns a nail salon and doesn’t need to look hot. I mean an actress must sell herself, which means glam, but Katie can wear whatever to talk about toenails. What I think Tania meant is that being an actress also means looking the part. But Shawna took Tania’s words and ran with them… right to Katie.

Katie diagnosed Shawna’s Tania-ized makeup face as “drag queen” and way too much. Since the shit is being spread – actually spackled on – Shawna goes ahead and reveals [with bad acting] that Tania insulted Katie’s nail salon. Then she insists that Tania didn’t mean it “like that.” Too late! Katie is furious that an Instagram THOT has the nerve to criticize her ‘real business’. I mean Katie has meetings with the owner of the W Hotel, Tania puts on crotch-less panties!

Of course, Katie is also bristling because Shawna referred to her style as “junky,” so to prove she’s anything but, Katie cracks open a bottle of wine and has her stylist over to remake Shawna’s wardrobe. Shawna pretends to love it, but then  she complains to Tania that Katie does indeed have bad taste. And oh, OOPS!, she also accidentally spilled Tania’s comments that nail salon ownership is like so junky too.

Tania is frustrated but decides the best thing to do is invite the girls over for a boat party at her fiance Dean’s house. Since she just moved in, she wants to show off her new residence, and that will get everyone focused on what’s important – her fancy new digs! Meanwhile, Tania also plans to make amends with Shiva by finally sending her a Save The Date!

Veronika Oben

In the meantime, Veronika is wrestling with difficult questions about her marriage. Michael was in Africa so she hasn’t seen him since discovering the affair. Now she is choosing between tearing apart her family or putting up with him but setting a bad example for her children. As Veronika heads to Michael’s office to drop off some paperwork, her sister demands she confront him right then and there. Thankfully, Veronika had her professional antenna on and realized that ruining Michael’s business with unsightly scenes could affect her alimony. Plus, she seemed scared shit-less and shell-shocked, so she just tiptoed around him and then whispered “I love you, too” as she scurried out the door. Apparently Michael has cheated on his other wives too. Eep!

RELATED – Veronika Files For Divorce; Opens Up About Michael’s Cheating!

Knowing that Veronika is going through a tough time and that Katie is always good for a laugh, Shiva has them over for a pool-side massage and lunch. Katie is late, so Shiva uses the time to quiz Veronika about what’s going on with Michael. Veronika still isn’t sure, and although she’s over being embarrassed by Michael’s cheating, she still doesn’t want anyone else to know just yet.

When Katie arrives, massages turn to gossip about Tania and the weird wedding she’s non-planning. Like, where is her mysterious maid-of-honor? Why is she never at any events? Veronika wonders if Tania is running from her past. Is Tania really Tania?!

The next day, Tania meets Shawna for her head shot photo shoot, which takes place in front of someone’s closed garage door in outfits that look like they belong on a high school senior. Actually, the entire thing looks reminiscent of senior class photos. Or Instagram modeling, so I suppose Tania is the perfect advisor! And low and behold, in the middle of the shoot, in walks Katie to crash this junky party!

Tania & Katie

While Shawna is trying to perfect her dead eyed stare, Katie and Tania engage in a whispered argument about whose career is more legit and whether or not Katie knows anything about modeling. I mean Katie did do a photo shoot for a nail magazine – so HA! Tania apparently thinks this is beneath her own esteemed portfolio of snuggling jello cubes in a marabou robe or something. Which she gets PAID for. Katie huffs off, then Tania decides she too needs to leave because she’s too worked up to advise Shawna. (eye roll).

Shawna

Predictably, Shawna’s photos turn out awful. Her agent describes them as “amateur hour” and criticizes her for having no emotion. Keeping with the high school theme, Shawna blames her friends, but the agent isn’t impressed. He wants a re-do! Now! Shawna is upset – every day without a head shot is a day without an audition, which means another day shackled to Lorenzo. Well, Boo, grow up. Stop trying to turn back time to when you were 21, and start acting like the 30-year-old professional you want to be. Which means soliciting advice from Shiva, who just posed for Harpers Bazaar and has a closet bigger than my entire house.

Speaking of Shiva’s closet, Katie visits to plan outfits for Tania’s “yacht” party. Tania said boat, but Shiva and Katie assumed all boats are yachts – such different finances lives they live from Tania! Katie is intent to prove that this junky girl cleans up nicely for the right occasion!Katie

Then, Shiva produces the save the date she just received, and Katie quickly notices that it looks like a photocopied version of the ‘real’ invite. Who’s junky now?! Suddenly, Katie’s phone dings, and it’s a status update from Veronika that reads “single.” Shiva refuses to fess up to what she knows. Katie is hurt – all her friends are turning on her!

Well, the only thing left to do is rock the metaphorical yacht! Tania’s boat is actually more reminiscent of Gilligan’s “Three Hour Tour” or a theme-park ride. Like, it is hardly a boat. When Shiva and Katie arrive, they’re shocked to see Tania is captaining this dinghy herself, and they are very over-dressed. Katie’s mood would be entirely sour if Shawna, dressed appropriately junky, hadn’t handed over a peace-offering bottle of wine. One of Katie’s favorites and it was the lifesaver their friendship needed.

Tania boat

Instead, Katie sinks her teeth into Tania. They are not good! Tania tries to argue that Katie misunderstood her comments, but Katie got it perfectly – she’s not pro enough to model on the IG. Shiva attempts to defend Katie, but Tania shoves her hand in Shiva’s face and cuts her off. If there’s anything less classy than a photocopied wedding invite, it’s a ‘talk to the hand’ according to Shiva. She will not sink to that level!Shiva

Veronika arrives. She nearly slips down the gangplank looking for the ‘real’ boat. Do her eyes deceive her again?! Is the boat like Michael – an apparition of prestige and grander, while actually just a paddle boat with a sign on it that says “yacht in disguise?” Alas, the dingy is their ride, and as Tania putters around the little lake, Katie wonders about that Facebook status. Veronika dismisses it as just something she and Michael are going through and a reaction to an angry moment. Katie doesn’t believe her, and the party which started out in on a life preserver, has officially drown.

On shore, as Katie is distracted thanking Shawna for the wine, Shiva questions Veronika about when she’s planning to tell her so-called close friend the truth about Michael. Shiva praises she’s kept Veronika’s secret, but warns her that Katie knows something is very wrong!

TELL US – DID TANIA MEAN TO INSULT KATIE? WHO SHOULD SHAWNA TAKE STYLE ADVICE FROM? IS VERONIKA MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE IN WAITING TO CONFRONT MICHAEL?

[Photo Credits: E! News]

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