As far as reunions go, The Real Housewives of Potomac are starting off slow. Sure, there was plenty of arguing and we even had a few false accusations and one reference to someone getting their ass beat. But for the most part, the ladies decided to use part one of the reunion as a warm up.
Before we go any further, let’s get to what really matters: rating their outfits from best to worst. I know y’all think I’m too hard on Miss Monique FIVE HOUSES Samuels and tonight will be no exception, but I have to give it to her as the best dressed of the night. Sure, the skirt of her ice skater dress was a tad extra, but the color was beautiful on her and her hair and makeup were flawless. I’m going to give Ashley Darby a close second for beautiful hair and makeup but had to deduct points for that dress that was one structured chest strap short of being found in the Star Trek costume closet.
Next, it’s kind of a toss up between the Mrs. BBG. Karen Huger, and Gizelle Bryant. I am loving Karen’s dress color and her hair finally looks like she actually has that stylist she’s been talking about. But Gizelle always looks pretty, I think I’m just not into her hair being that blonde and she overdid it just a tad on the gold Wonder Woman wrist cuffs. Now the real tie goes to Robyn Dixon and Charrisse Jackson-Jordan for last place. I hate Charrisse’s hair and her dress is not flattering. I thought Cha Cha had turned a style corner this season for a minute but that went south faster than She by Sheree went out of business. Now Robyn….oh, Robyn….what happened tonight? Robyn is a beautiful woman and even better, a natural beauty. But tonight her hair is dyed platinum within an inch of its life and her combination of that ill-fitting prom dress and dream catcher-esque earrings so big they could not only catch dreams, but Juan cheating too, are just not working for her. This was a true reunion look fail.
Now that we have that all out of the way, we can take a stroll down the Grand Dame memory lane of shady housing situations, which is coming perfectly timed on the heels of the report that the BBG owes almost $1.5 million in tax liens. When I saw that story, I almost clapped with glee because of course now we can tie it all together – the quick, midnight move after weeks of Karen’s pickiness over who would actually even be able to view her house, the “all cash” offer that plopped them at a rental outside of Potomac and my favorite, a new rental house that is bigger than the one they just left for two empty nesters. If any of this sounds crazy and convoluted to you, you should hear Karen’s explanation of it all. She goes from saying that her move was a sensitive situation (cue the no tears crying) because she wants to take care of her sick parents, and even though her home in Potomac was spacious enough, it’s in Maryland and her dad won’t live in Maryland, and he won’t live in Maryland because he’s a farmer, so he has to stay in Virginia, but he hasn’t actually moved in yet, he has the option but but but but……what in the hell is Karen talking about? Naturally, none of this makes sense and come on, if Karen was truly moving in a hurry to care for her ailing parents, she would have just said that from the jump. And they would probably also be living with her by now!
Here’s where my Shade of the Day Award is given out and the recipient is none other than Ashley, for asking Karen if the real reason she moved is because of people’s perception of her kitchen. It doesn’t get much better than that and Karen’s wig practically pops off her head trying to answer something so shady.
Before we can move on, Cha Cha gets her digs in by saying that calling Karen the Grand Dame doesn’t mean a dame thing and Gizelle informs us that Karen says she doesn’t have time for them when not filming. So much so that she lied about caring for her mother to avoid Gizelle’s birthday party (even Monique attended!) when she was really having plastic surgery on her face in New York City. For the record, Karen’s plastic surgeon is local, thank you very much. Not sure if she means Great Falls local or Potomac local…..
But let’s get back to why Karen is really mad at Cha Cha right now. Her beef is with the fact that Charrisse called the BBG the Broke Bill Gates instead of the Black Bill Gates. This starts a whole thing about how he got the nickname (at a hair salon), if he deserves the nickname (it’s a stretch), and if Gizelle’s nickname of Uncle Ben would be more fitting (it would).
Finally, before Ashley’s head explodes from all the talking in circles Karen is doing, we get to move onto Gizelle and her life. Word on the streets is that Gizelle is in high demand on the Potomac dating scene. Too bad she’s now off the market and it’s serious. We get to meet Sherman, her current boyfriend of a year, who is standing off to the side watching everything. You know your relationship with the man you’re dating is strong if you would invite him to watch this train wreck. Sherman seems cool, all the ladies have met him and like him, but he’s not what I would have pictured for Gizelle. He confirms he fits the bill with his deep pockets and the fact that he’s errrrr, packing in the right spot so I guess that’s all it takes!
Not that anyone is going to bend over backwards to be happy for Gizelle when she spent the whole season ripping them up hilariously. Monique fires back at the comments Gizelle made about living off her husband’s wealth and said she would rather do that than take 10% of the church offering that Gizelle previously got from being married to a prominent pastor. Charrisse also got her back by slut shaming her by comparing her to Monica Lewinsky (which we find out is also an acquaintance of Charrisse).
Here’s the point where I groan out loud – we have to talk about Robyn and her dumb marriage/not marriage to Juan. I am with her wholeheartedly – can everyone just leave her alone about it? I’m guessing we don’t have the same reasons though. Robyn doesn’t want to make a decision or explain herself while I just can’t stand hearing about this snoozefest anymore. If Robyn wants to sell herself short, live in a land of relationship delusion and keep her ex-husband around for a loveless non marriage, then she can knock herself out! I do think if she’s looking for companionship, it would be much easier to get a dog but whatever, that’s her choice. Since we must cover this for the sake of the recap, here we go.
Andy asks her what the status is with Juan and we gets the same old response: they are “spending more time together” and “growing and getting to a better place.” Did anyone expect anything different than this pre-programmed response? I didn’t but even with having no expectations, it annoyed me. How can one accept so little from an adult relationship? I guess that’s why Robyn is the perfect robot-she doesn’t need to feel things like ummm, feelings.
I finally perk up a tad when Andy asks her how she felt about hearing him say off camera to a producer that he wouldn’t be with her if it weren’t for the kids. True to her robotic form, Robyn doesn’t react and says it’s all stuff they talked about then tries to explain it by saying Juan doesn’t like being filmed. All of that plus Ashley knowing that Juan is cheating because a friend of her good friend’s friend came into Oz one day and said their friend of that friend said she is dating Juan. Since that sounds totally air tight in the facts department, I can understand why Robyn didn’t jump to address it and is pissed at Ashley. But she still doesn’t express anything but anger towards the messengers until a viewer comment is read, ripping Robyn for basically being a doormat. She finally short circuits and snaps at American directly that she is FINE! About as fine as the BBG and that tax lien……
Now ask yourself: what would the Real Housewives of Potomac be if there wasn’t someone on it with REAL money to brag about? Enter Monique. The first question for her is how she could say that a family of four has grown out of a 9,000 square foot house and instead of admitting how ridiculous and pretentious that sounds, Miss Mo doubles down and responds that it’s possible for the Samuels. Is it really any shocker that her mother in law might not care for her? No its not and Monique also wasn’t shocked to see her MIL call her a heifer on national TV. Andy asks when the last time she spoke with her MIL was, Monique can’t resist launching into full detail of how she went through all the trouble of picking out a car, actually clearing her busy schedule of picking out cut out bathing suits to test drive it, and sent it down to her a year ago, only to get a thank you phone call and an “I love you”. That was the last time they spoke.
Mo has more explanations that are pretty grand, like how she would rap at high tea because she has a “musical background” and when you have a musical background, you must perform on the spot when someone asks you because you never want to miss an opportunity….to look like an idiot? I mean, what opportunity? Did she think a record exec was hanging out at high tea or would later watch the show and be blown away by her 30 second rhyme into a tea spoon? Oh god, please tell me some bottom of the barrel record exec wasn’t watching this and will offer her a chance to bring that garbage to a larger stage? I would say no but if the Countess and Melissa Gorga taught us anything, it’s that there is no shortage of housewife recording opportunities.
Of course this leads to Andy asking Miss Mo to perform and she’s happy to oblige but first, Gizelle has to try and save us all from hearing it by interjecting about what she meant by saying she had no class. Gizelle’s explanation of Monique needing to hang back while they worked out their problems is pretty weak, but it did give us a few more minutes of distraction while Monique turns her anger on Robyn. She’s mad that Robyn went back to Gizelle and fed the flames by saying Monique talks too much. The Green Eyed Bandits strike again! Robyn isn’t really having it and look, she just isn’t programmed to care about Monique at this point.
Andy can’t let Monique off the hook too easily though and reads her statement off Bravo TV, talking about what a jealous, bitter and hateful old woman Gizelle is. Gizelle takes it in stride but the part Monique said about Gizelle not being happy for anyone unless they are beneath her gets to Robyn just enough to override her internal system and lash out again. Based on Gizelle’s treatment of Monique, I suppose her statement wasn’t really that off base but I do think Monique leans a little too hard into the idea that everyone must be jealous of her, instead of accepting that she is truly annoying with all of her bragging.
I almost thought we could get away without hearing Mo rap but Robyn orders her to do it so they don’t have to talk anymore and Andy eggs her on. She gives one little protest as she looks for the saved lyrics on her phone and then launches into her rhyme. After she finishes, only Ashley can fill the awkward silence on stage with a few claps and assurance that it was good. Everyone else sits silently and Robyn says she’s not amused while she fans herself with her hand.
It’s Ashley’s turn in the hot seat and she’s on blast for all the pot stirring she’s done this season. Robyn and Charrisse want her to know that she’s too young to understand all they have been through but sorry ladies, Ashley isn’t done and is happy to tell them at least she’s working on her marriage issues instead of staying in an unhappy situation for over 20 years. About that…..Andy asks Ashley the status of her marriage with Michael and for someone so brutally honest about everyone else’s situation, she issues a bland PR-sounding statement that she doesn’t want to be without him but if they aren’t together, they will both be ok.
Thus ends part one of the reunion. Sort of. Even though Andy says they are going to break, the cameras and mics are still going and while everyone checks their phones, Robyn has a final malfunction in her software and goes off to Charrisse about how she would have beat Ashley’s ass back at Oz if it weren’t for the cameras rolling.
Next week looks a little more my speed with accusations of the Grand Dame herself having a (GASP!) boyfriend side piece! Now what would the etiquette books have to say about that?
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON PART 1 OF THE RHOP REUNION?
Photo Credit: Heidi Gutman/Bravo