Below Deck Recap - It Ain't Easy Being Green

It’s episode two for the greenest crew Below Deck has ever had. As a result, Nico Scholly, Captain Lee Rosbach, and Kate Chastain are barely clinging on to their wits or the task of keeping Valor afloat.

Kate finally decides to turn things over to God. “Yes, I have a moronic crew,” she declares, “but he gave me easy guests.” With the guests safely ensconced on their beach picnic, she uses the time to complain to Captain Lee that she can’t continue doing all the stewarding single-handled and requests additional crew.

Speaking of single-handed, Brianna Adekeye, Valor’s resident heartthrob, wiped out getting on the boat to the beach picnic and has now injured both her wrist and her behind. The men are practically breaking their necks to make sure she’s OK. Kate despairs – Brianna could barely do her job with two hands!

Lee checks Brianna over. He can’t do anything ’bout her derrière (except possibly give it a kick to get into gear), but he wraps her wrist and advises her against giving out any massages. Unless they’re one-handed, of course. “I can’t believe I just said that,” admits the embarrassed Capt. Lee. Is there no man able to resist Bri’s charms?! Does every man become a sexually harassing lurch in her presence?

Kate is definitely NOT under Bri’s spell. At all. Kate is more than willing to get up Bri’s ass after finding an EMPTY WASHING MACHINE. An empty washing machine, people! This is not Bri’s first charter – she should know washer and dryer are always filled. Bri sasses back and questions Kate’s leadership style. Kate’s leadership style is this: do not get in the eye of Hurricane Kate, because the vortex of the spin cycle will be all Bri sees for some long and dreary dark days at sea.

While Kate despises her inept stewardesses, she LOVES her some Matt Burns! He’s organized, efficient, talented, and not bad to look at either. “Its like Canada in the galley, instead of North Korea,” she gushes. Kate also has a new fondness for Nico, as they find themselves saddled with this very inexperienced, and frankly annoying, crew.

Chris Brown celibate

Take Chris Brown, for instance. All that dude does is talk. About himself. Chris Brown loooooves to hear himself rap. Chris Brown looooooves to lay his hands on others (and lay his ass on the counter while Matt cooks – yuck!). Chris Brown needs to send his message in a bottle out to sea and while on board shut it homie! He is literally constantly talking, while he stands there and watches others work.

Even Nico gets ensnared in the trap as Chris Brown regales him with the tale of being a 26-year-old virgin or “celibate” as Chris terms it. After growing up a strict christian, Chris Brown hit his rebellious youth phase at the age of 22. Finally, Chris Brown left the church because he worried his Chrislett would wither off from lack of use. Somehow I don’t think Bri would mind if that thing was rendered useless.

While Nico is dealing with the phenomena that is Chris Brown, Kate has succeeded in convincing Captain Lee that she needs help. After charter he agrees to hire day laborers so she can instruct her on girls Stew 101. It’s Lee & Kate vs. The World, so they better get back-up.

Captain Lee

The only newbie Captain Lee hasn’t lost faith in is Baker Manning, which is sad considering that she declares herself “not the brightest bulb in the chandelier,” but Baker is brighter than Bruno Duarte. Lee doesn’t want Bruno or Chris Brown anywhere near the lines when they dock the next day, and is forced violate the Bravo drama contract to call in the *gasp* non-cast as reinforcements against these inglorious green bastards potentially destroying Valor at the dock.

Bruno wants to do well, dammit, but his brain is all tied up in the knots he can’t make with the ropes. Nico lets Bruno know that his poor performance is affecting the running of the boat and Nico’s ability to achieve Bosun status. Bruno grumbles that Nico is being “unfair” considering that he’s never worked on a yacht before. “Usually I’m a very fast learner, but I’m just not getting it. This makes me feel very uncomfortable.” Poor Bruno – it’s hard nauts life. At least Bruno has a willingness to learn – Chris Brown only cares about angling his shammy into Bri’s pants and accepts that he’ll be “shit on” by everyone. If Chris Brown is the yacht’s bitch, Bruno is its baby.

Bruno is to Nico as Jennifer Howell is to Kate. Kate compares her, with no sarcasm, to a kindergartner or a puppy. “Visual learning is the best way to start,” she proclaims of the path to making Jen “amazing…ish.” I never could’ve imagined Kate as a teacher, but perhaps I was wrong…ish. Kate decides to time Jen while she does basic stew tasks to illustrate how much time she’s wasting traveling back and forth from fantasy land where she is a pirate princess on the high seas, to reality where she is a professional washing machine stoker and toilet paper origami-ist. Jen is like a stupid version of Pippi Longstocking. Watching her make a cup of tea was painful, and how has someone who loves boats so much never encountered hot water?

Nico has more success with Baker. Baker has no attachments, only a love of the open road, the people on it, and her trusty RV. Baker’s father’s death ten years ago really opened her eyes to what is important. She can’t be that dumb considering that she has a degree in business! Maybe our ghetto-bootied mer-creature will turn out to be human, after all. And if not, well, she’s gotta be better than Jen, right?

On the last day of the charter, the guests go through their bucket list and opt to put on the floating sumo suits for a body dive off the boat. Kate is obviously delirious with exhaustion and has surrendered to the inmates running the asylum because she just starts cracking up insanely at everything Jen says. Capt. Lee cannot get this fill-in crew here fast enough or Kate might be going overboard in her own Sumo suit. Nico recognizes, that if the guests “weren’t so amazing, we would’ve been screwed.” True, the guests only cared about having fun and were seriously thrilled to just be there. They weren’t the most high class group, but they were super sweet and grateful for the experience.

Once the guests disembark, Bruno and Chris Brown are forced to stand by and watch as Baker helps dock the boat. “She’s stepping up, she’s got good vibes, she’s got good energy, and she works hard,” praises Nico. Chris Brown doesn’t care, but this gives Bruno the sads and he disappears during lunch to go sulk in his cabin. While washing down the boat, he complains to Chris Brown about how disrespectful everyone is.

Of course Chris tells Nico that Bruno was crying. Just when Nico is considering investigating what crawled up Bruno’s butt, Lee intercepts to distribute the magical tips – the saving grace that make all this hard work and constant shammying and shimmying worth it. Sometimes. Obviously Bruno rouses himself for this!

Lee is seriously unimpressed and he’s making a list, checking it twice, and he knows who’s been lazy and not working up to their full potential – and if these motley messes don’t shape up, they’ll be walking the plank! “I don’t for a second believe that every body in this crew performed up to their potential,” he warned, and if they don’t start earning their keep, “there will be consequences.” In all, each crew member nets $1300, which Kate doesn’t think is fair considering that some people barely did any work, while others did ALL the work.

Before the night out on the town, Kate gives her stewardesses their first Stew School lesson – they have to memorize everything in all the cabinets. Bri and Jen use this opportunity to dissect the hotness of the guys on board. Without a doubt, Matt and Nico are voted the cutest, and Bri gushes that the chemistry she has with Bruno is undeniable. Poor Chris Brown… he’s feeling like the chemistry he has with Jen is undeniable, and she’ll be powerless to his charms on the crew night out.

Jen Howell hidden talent

Instead, Chris Brown gets stuck at the other end of the table while Kate glares at him with disgust. Meanwhile, Nico is sandwiched between Bri, and put on “nip slip” duty, and Sex-Crazed Jen who regales him with her superpower – she can orgasm on demand. Gee, that’s some party trick. I wonder if she can use this to impress charter guests. She can’t make tea, but she can orgasm on command without so much as a human touch. Jen blames it on being a single mom. She’s spent years not even able to look at men. Yet she can disappear for an entire summer somewhere in the high seas. Gentlemen, guard your jewels; there’s a barracuda in your midst.

Jen’s “When Harry Met Sally” moment happened over dinner. It’s a response to Jen thinking it’s cruel to go without touching for as long as she has. She’s practically been celibate as long as Chris Brown (26 years).

Matt Burns lets loose

Going out is a nice diversion from the other cast members who are playing game called Everyone wants Bri. But Bri wants only Nico. After Chemistry, flirting, “nip slip” patrol, it’s Matt who wants to “lick her balloon knot.” Chis Brown wants Bri to participate in the “Chris Brown Project” which hopefully includes dental.

Kate quizzes Nico about Bri

Bruno sulks through partying until Nico strokes his ego about accepting that part of yachting is getting yelled at. Bruno is sufficiently mollycoddled to go party, but it is MATT who lets ‘l-la-la-la-looooose” and sets tongues wagging as he hits the dance floor to raunchily bump and grind. Kate, who would rather clean toilets because at least they can’t talk (or mimic orgasm) than party with the crew, quizzes Nico about just how intimately he knows Bri. Apparently, it didn’t get biblical – yet – cause Nico is no Funky Christian Chris Brown. Or he and Bri were simply too drunk to do the Barcelona.

Everyone is making a big deal about Nico and Bri not remembering if they hooked up years ago. Does it matter? The bigger question is if he’ll step out on Melissa. Bri claims she wouldn’t do anything with Nico out of respect for his girlfriend, but we’ll see!

Chris Brown does not take no for an answer. He’s basically stalking and harassing poor Bri. Chris Brown’s unwanted touching includes stroking her back until she runs away, and at 3am of the night out, he accosts her in the kitchen for a long, close, never-ending hug, crooning, “I never want to leave.” Chris Brown spends all of his time making up for lost time as if he thinks all those years of being Christian were wasted. I mean, instead of drinking the Jesus, he could have been drinking the tequila! And the only thing Chris Brown loves more than women is apparently booze. He has big dreams, y’all, of top shelf liquor and low-class hoochies.

Chris Brown sleeps on the job

The next morning Chris Brown is so hung over he can barely stand. He gives up mid-way through cleaning the boat to go lie down in his bunk and doesn’t respond to any of Nico’s radio prompts until Lee interjects demanding to know WHAT IS UP WITH THAT CHRIS BROWN? Yes, indeed. Maybe he and Jen should just go off together and creepy-eye orgasm each other?

TELL US – ARE KATE AND NICO BEING TOO HARD ON THE ROOKIE CREW? WHO’S CREEPIER: JEN OR CHRIS BROWN?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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