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Last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like a community theater acting troupe doing a play about Real Housewives. The costumes were bad, the over-acting was worse, and no one was winning any Emmys, but damn if Tamra Judge wasn’t trying her hardest!

Can we just stop doing this whole Tamra and Vicki Gunvalson will be friends again thing? RHOC is trying so desperately to insist they both care, with all the fake tears and carrying on and hullabaloo over two women so emotionally divorced from each other they can’t even get angry convincingly. David Beador Lydia McLaughlin crawling on the stairs begging Shannon Beador to just. stop? Yep, that is my reaction to yet another episode of will they? Or won’t they? Can Tamicki ever be put back together again?

The wash, rinse, dry, repeat cycle of these two fighting and making up… Like Eddie, the stains ain’t coming out and it’s literally a wash.

Anyway, where did this mess begin? With a boob mold and Kelly Dodd revealing that she has 36G fake knockers, which she ‘did for Michael,’ who loves big boobs. Ugh. That’s as bad as faking a friendship reconciliation for Bravo. To commemorate her “Gigis,” Kelly is having Michael make a plaster cast of the boobs, which Kelly plans to have the women sign at her Farewell To Boobs party. Oh, such big plans, that one! This party also includes volleyball? Like the guest list, the party is a weird mishmash of things that do not make sense and do not go together. I guess, Vicktim is one slippery eel, and there were buttery nipple cocktails.

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This boob molding happened on Kelly’s outdoor balcony, which looks over a public beach and several other houses, because Kelly Dodd’s booberies are not her property.

Tamra, meanwhile, meets Lydia to talk about Vicki and Ricky (and Gretchen). After the party, the internet is buzzing with the tales of Eddie being caught in bed with another man. Remember that game of telephone you played as a kid … yeah the Real Housewives need a refresher course. My Little Lydia is confused – she thought was Vicki ready to die for her Tamra, now she’s being mean?

Tamra actually cries because her daughter, who doesn’t talk to her, might hear that Eddie is a secret “homosexual.” What is this – 1950? Now the drama is, should Tamra go to Kelly’s party where Vicki will be!? Lydia is more concerned that Shannon will be there, because Shannon is totally self-centered and cannot stop causing trouble with her tantrums. Lydia straight-up admits that she doesn’t like Shannon.

Tamra is shocked! Allegedly. Then, proving that no amount of Jesus can fix her, she shades Shannon by subtly mentioning how Shannon calls like 25x per day because she’s a high-maintenance friend. Oh, Tamra. Once a Tamra; always a Tamra.

At Briana’s for lunch, Vicki bemoans that Tamra believes she tried to set her up with the Ricky mess. “I’m a good friend,” whines Vicki looking at her bullshit sandwich for affirmation.

This show is a system of checks and balances – boobs added (Peggy Sulahian) and boobs taketh away (Kelly), Peggy gets reconstructive spacers.

Next medical drama – Lydia and Doug visit the big scary ball-removal doctor. Doug had a heart-to-heart with Jesus and is OK getting this balls chopped off in exchange for a “snip present.” Actually, Doug compares himself to Jesus dying for sins by telling Lydia, “I’m loving you as if you are my body.” Can I get an a-MEN.

Shannon’s diet makes her permanently hangry and she’s channeling that energy into making sure Tamra keeps her distance from Vicki. Oh, and opening a restaurant. Shannon was also “forced” to get this magical thing called WiFi, which is probably making her fat, but at least she can online stalk David now too!

Does Shannon truly expect us to believe she hasn’t had WiFi? Does Shannon really expect us to believe she’s a restaurateur when she can’t even manage a phone call while opening email? Luckily, Shannon has help – lots of it! Her restaurant is being run by a “dream team” of directors and marketing experts while she sits at home in a mumu, plays fetch with the dog, and approves things by phone. Low-tech, indeed!

“I’m starting this restaurant right now because my relationship cannot be the thing that defines my happiness,” Shannon declares. In Shannon’s case, her relationship is the thing which defines her unhappiness. So now she will have happiness in “Real For Real Kitchen” with a cute logo of lots of lemons, which Shannon will turn into … wet dog tea?

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Then, everyone gathers at Kelly’s for the worst party ever. Well almost everyone – poor little Meghan Edmonds stayed home eating her curds and ways.

Meghan knows she wasn’t invited because Tamra, friend of the century, told her. Meghan didn’t want to go anyway, because she’s not going to let Kelly get away with whatever it is Meghan thinks Kelly did. Meghan was nice to Kelly when no one else liked her, and now can say and do whatever she wants and Kelly has to take it? Meghan, like Girly-Girl is sometimes not very smart, but she is cute!

Tamra “would rather have an enema made of nails than hang out with Vicki Gunvalson,” but she is under this here Bravo contract, so to Kelly’s house she goes, with Shannon in tow! She makes a big production of saying hello – loudly and obviously – to everyone except Vicki. She even sidles over to Diko and Peggy to ask about a “rim job.” Kelly made these #Team t-shirts for everyone, and Vicki is literally, and unironically, #TeamGunvalson. All by herself. Tamra doesn’t wear her shirt in a show of solidarity to Shannon, who can’t fit into it.

Instead, Shannon wore a kaftan from the Kyle by KyleneKantDress Collection with maternity jeans and a gardening club hat.

Well, Shannon can’t fit into her #TeamBeador shirt, but Vicki can’t fit into the group. Vicki complains to Steve, who tells her DUH – “Not everybody’s gonna like you.” Poor Counselor Steve, peer mediator of middle-aged frenemybots. Seriously, all of Vicki’s relationships are about affirming Vicki. Vicki and Shannon should be non-sexual life partners living in co-dependent fake-ness.

On one side of the party, Vicki insists to Kelly that she would NEVER set Tamra up, while Kelly tries to convince her to go ‘exonerate’ herself to Tamra so she doesn’t look bad.

On the other side of the party, Tamra is so desperate for dirt on Vicki she fake-bonds with Peggy to investigate what happened at the birthday. Diko, Peggy’s handler, explains how Peggy “disagrees with everything.” Now Tamra gets it – Peggy’s not a bitch, she’s just contrary.

Tamra and Vicki are essentially fighting for control of the victim card, and by default, who receives the sympathy. Is it Vicki for being duped by a conman and losing all her friends? Or Tamra for being duped by a con woman and then having rumors spread about her marriage? Or are they both assholes who need to stop ruining parties with their histrionics so we can witness more of Kelly’s insanity.

Tamra, again, fake bursts into tears again after Peggy tells her to hear Vicki out. Shannon and Lydia race over to console Tamra and Shannon warns her against being fooled by Vicki again. This game of musical grudges is dumb.

Why is everyone acting like Tamra is enfeebled while she dabs at the Visine in her eyes? Vicki is NOT actually like the devil, here, people. She’s basically a misguided middle-aged woman with poor impulse control and zero self-awareness, but she’s not Jeffrey Dahmer. I’m pretty sure she limits her flesh consumption to whatever Steve is packing and Kelly’s boob cake.

Shannon, the Tamra Whisper-er, was giving me the creeps hissing in Tamra’s ear about being strong enough to withstand Vicki. Since Vicki is in the next room, Lydia reminds them that she can hear all of this and they should probably just talk. “But-but-but-but-buttttt she’s-she-she-she’s-she-she’s just an evil person,” Shannon wails. Now Vicki has given Shannon the stutters?

Lydia is correct, though: Shannon worries that if Tamra and Vicki make up, she’ll find herself the third wheel, and she cannot handle any more abandonment. LOOK WHAT DAVID DID.

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Vicki starts her conversation with Tamra by stomping in and bellowing, “I didn’t have anything to do with Ricky coming – he wasn’t even on my list and you know that.” Kelly escorts them into her bedroom with the padded walls and the gold bars on the window so they can ‘talk.’ Lydia and Peggy get stuck in the kitchen physically stopping Shannon from racing down there to ‘help’ Tamra.  Shannon finally forces herself past Peggy to literally HAVE TAMRA’s BACK. Because if Vicki can have a friend, Tamra needs one, too.

Vicki had Kelly hostage while she ranted at Tamra for spreading rumors and acting like a victim. The yelling was because Tamra needs a taste of her own medicine. Tamra’s ‘tears’ miraculously evaporate, and she is calm as can be and demure.

My stupidest middle school fights weren’t as stupid as Shannon declaring a tit-for-tat friendship face-off by standing directly behind Tamra. Shannon, Warrior Princess of Quinoa. Lydia goes to impose order as the neutral third wheel named “redemption,” and Diko forces Peggy to go too.

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But, eventually, as always, it comes back to cancer, with Vicki denying that she lied and Tamra insisting that she did. Vicki and Tamra’s toxicity is the real cancer. At least Vicki got one thing right: Shannon DOES have a bad husband! The much anticipated Tamra/Vicki reunion went down like a broken colonic tube stuck in your butt, didn’t it? Then Vicki left.

With Vicki gone, Shannon makes it all about how SHE stood up to the Big, Bad Beast Vicktim – and all she got was this 35lbs, which Vicki personally taped to her hips and abdomen, but SHANNON DID NOT let Vicki control the Feng Shui of her thighs! She just cried over her every night until her sadness weighed as much as a Chalupa Grande.

“You’re something else,” Peggy observes. Fearing another storm, Kelly brings out her boob mold, which only makes things worse. Apparently Lydia got a boob job and doesn’t want anyone to know? But Tamra can spot a fake, forcing Lydia to admit it.

Shannon tried to joke with Lydia about being the only two without fake boobs, but Lydia claims Shannon squeezed Tamra’s leg under the table as if making fun of her for the boob job? I think Lydia was looking for a reason to unload after all the Shan-nanigans, so Lydia turned it into a statement about Shannon being a non-stop drama queen, attention-seeking hot mess. No sugar and rainbow coating – Lydia is DONE. SHE IS DONE! Isn’t that Shannon’s phrase?! As she tries to leave because she wants to spare the party drama between her and Shannon (also she has to leave for her kids), Shannon starts bellowing to Tamra for protection. Nobody puts Shannon in a corner!

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The blame game followed: Shannon blames Vicki, then Lydia, then Peggy – because she was actually squeezing Tamra’s leg over Peggy’s comment. Tamra blames Vicki, then David. Lydia blames Shannon, then Satan for being confusing. Kelly blames boobs, and let’s be honest, Shannon is just mad at her weight.

“It’s not about Shannon enough today – it needs to be more about her,” Lydia mocks. “What do you need now? More attention? More drama?” Shannon needs Tamra, but she’s huddled in the stairwell eating cake with Peggy while complaining about Shannon. Oh, Tamra.

This will be the leg squeeze that never ends, it will just go on and on my friends, until someone rips off the leg, not knowing what it is and throws it across a restaurant just because.

Lydia attempts crawling to freedom. Like when I put my kids to bed and they always need just. one. more. thing. A glass of water. A better tuck-in. Their jammies are bunched up, the sock slipped off, a stuffed animal isn’t right – this is literally dealing with Shannon. Nothing is ever right, you can never fix it, and it’s always your fault that she’s not sleepy. Then she finally escapes.

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When Tamra emerges from hiding, she’s suppressing a laugh as Shannon lashes out at her for not coming when beckoned. What is going on with this creepy co-dependent relationship?! Tamra mentions that Peggy said she doesn’t like Shannon, which actually isn’t true, it was LYDIA who said that.

Shannon demands to know if Tamra defended her, which obviously Tamra did not – and that’s Peggy’s fault for not giving Tamra a reason for her disliking. All the stress drives Shannon to a cocktail – as usual she finds a her only friend in the bartender.

TELL US – WTF?

[Photo Credits: Bravo]

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