Readers, I want you all to think back to a simpler time. A time of Even Stevens and Holes. A time when Shia Le Beouf wasn’t starting fights at Broadway shows or wearing a paper bag over his face on the red carpet. Basically, I want you to remember a time when Shia wasn’t scaring the beewhowhatsit out of me in a Sia video. I had nightmares last night, yet I’m strangely drawn to watching said video over and over again. I even bought the song on iTunes. Damn you, VEVO!
When Dance Moms’ protege Maddie Ziegler first appeared in Sia’s “Chandelier” music video, I realized that her ability and raw talent were far more than I ever credited her for on the Lifetime reality hit. It’s weird and terrifying and amazing. However, Maddie is starring in the singer’s new (and equally controversial) video for her single “Elastic Heart”, and it’s every bit as freaky and frightening. The best (worst?) part? She’s dancing with Disney’s fallen method actor Shia. Wearing that creepy wig and nude leotard. In a cage. And Shia is also clad in nude boxer briefs. And he’s dirty. Very dirty. Sadly, Beans is nowhere to be found. Haven’t seen it? Youtube it immediately, but don’t say you weren’t warned/encouraged.
After last week, I wanted to be done with Dance Moms. The way Abby Lee Miller showed her arse talking to (and about) Nia and Kendall about drove me over the edge. However, part of it has to be for the show, right? Granted, I don’t think the girls are acting when we see tears or humiliation, but maybe, just maybe, Abby is all smiles and compliments and kittens and hugs when the cameras aren’t rolling. That’s how I am going to think of it from now on or else I may not make it through the season. Should Jeff Collins and Mona Scott Young get married and become the messiest and most diabolical reality show creating couple ever? I’d totally watch them on Couples Therapy!
After the fight with Abby at the recent competition, Jill and Holly are preparing for the fallout at the ALDC. Holly requests a meeting to clear the air, but the always mature Abby refuses to speak to her. In the pyramid, Abby tells the girls that the mothers questioning her is the same as them doubting her vocation in life. It’s hurtful to her…far more hurtful than the venom she spews at these young girls, of course! Abby congratulates the group on winning the group number and shares that Maddie won’t be competing this week as she’ll be performing at a benefit concert in Los Angeles. She then reveals the girls’ new head shots, and Kendall comes to the conclusion that even though it was incredibly rude of Abby to leave some of photo shoot, she clearly knows what she’s doing. That said, Kendall is on the bottom of the pyramid for crying in the dressing room when Abby screamed at her. Holly reminds Abby that she also cried last week when served with the court papers, but, no surprise, Abby’s tears were totally appropriate given the circumstance. Kalani is next for being beaten by Maddie and a no-named dancer in the solo division. Nia is third with a strong performance in the group number, followed by MacKenzie. Maddie is on top, and Abby praises that even though she didn’t win, losing every once in a while is good for her.
I want to try to have a bit on an introduction for last night’s Dance Moms episode, but I just feel so sick after watching it. Those last five minutes were some of the worst in the show’s history (in my opinion), and both Abby Lee Miller and Lifetime should be utterly ashamed of themselves. Let’s get started, shall we?
So apparently the process server doesn’t want his fifteen minutes of fame because he has his face blurred when he serves Abby with court papers in Paige’s law suit. Abby is tearful that her former students and parents are trying to humiliate her in her place of business. Abby just can’t have this negativity around these kids. She is so good at playing the victim. As she storms out into the parking lot, Holly and Jill show their support for Abby. Abby wants to make a public statement, but everyone (and by everyone, I mean Holly) agrees that given her defensive attitude will only dig her deeper into this mess. They finally get her to quit her dramatics and start class, and Jill and Holly make sure to point out that Kira and daughter Kalani are late once again. Off with their heads! Okay, that may be harsh…no soup solos for you! When the finally arrive, Kira blames the traffic, and Abby totally gives her a pass. Double standard much?
Am I ready for this? That’s my first thought as I settled in last night for the fifth season premiere of Dance Moms. Immediately, I am distracted by Abby Lee Miller’s new hairdo. She looks like my middle school gym teacher circa 1988. She greets her favorites Maddie and Mack Z…oh, and Kendall and Nia as the ALDC pile in and shower her with gifts. I’ll give Abby a little bit of credit because she has lost a lot of weight. Of course, I am anticipating that Lifetime will let me down sooner rather than later. With Chloe missing from practice, Maddie reveals that she and Kendall have both attempted to text and Facetime their friend to no avail. Jill has her fingers crossed that Christi and Chloe will walk in the door. Holly senses a hole in their team, but she hopes the girls can overcome her absence.
In the pyramid, Abby congratulates the ALDC on their fourth Nationals win. Abby screams that Chloe was invited back, but her evil mother is keeping her from being part of the group. Off with her head! Who needs Chloe when you have ALDC: LA? Abby has determined that her troupe will no longer be just dancers. Each week they will focus on singing and acting as well. She will produce triple threats. Is it possible that my ears are already bleeding from her shrillness? The pyramid is more of a square this go-round, but there is a mystery fifth spot on the top. Kendall is on the bottom for coming in ninth overall. Jill is cut off before she can begin to defend her daughter. Oh, wait, Chloe is still on the pyramid, one up from Kendall. Nia is in third, followed by McKenzie. Surprise, Maddie is on the top!
I guess Santa is bypassing all of us this year. We’ve clearly been naughty. There can’t possibly be another reason why we’re being subjected to yet another season of Dance Moms…but we are! And I’ll be watching. I’ll consider my punishment for being so bad. However, no matter how naughty we’ve been, we’ll never ever be as horribly rotten as Lifetime’s cash cow Abby Lee Miller. It’s all an act, right? RIGHT??
For four long and tortuous seasons we’ve watched Abby belittle her young dancers while their mother snarked and plotted and forced us to take sides between bad and worse (I’m still not sure which is which!). Now (most of) the old gang returns thanks to their pesky iron clad contracts. Noticeably absent? Christi and Chloe (I don’t any will miss the former, but I’m so sad for the latter) who bid farewell after Abby’s constant bullying caused Chloe’s love for dance to fade…not to mention Abby making fun of her ocular condition. Returning? A very defeated looking Nia and an equally downtrodden Holly, Mack-Z, golden child Maddie and their mom Melissa, as well as Kendall and Jill, who Abby chastises for being a horrible mother more than once in the thirty second teaser. Good times! The twist? Christi and Kelly plotting to take down the ALDC. The show is back on Lifetime Tuesday, January 6th at 9PM/ET. You know I won’t be able to not watch!
CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON FOR THE 5TH SEASON PREVIEW!